I think we're through

I sent him a sweet letter saying clearly you need to make up your mind and give me a chance because you are more than a friend to me and this is hurtful to be denied something I want. He's not talking to me so much now and I have been sending non romantic emails to offset what I said. I don't take it back and how could I not fall for a big tall handsome soldier who is wild as the wind. He needs to be considerate of my feelings because I have risked everything and told him how special he is to me. Not the big words, I can't say that anyway, but I feel it inside. Im afraid that I went too far when I told him to think it through when he leaves and I am so not kidding. What hurts me is that all of these tender feelings are directed at him and no one else, what do I do because they are there. Meeting someone new doesn't undo them or erase them at all. My baby sister will be home in 3 hours and summer is on starting tomorrow. Im losing the one I love and gaining my sweetest friend all at once. I won't be so lonely especially now and that is probably a relief to him and I don't come across as clingy anyway. Maybe he knows there is no turning back once this gets started because he is going to love the hell out of me. I will never do anything but love him completely. Maybe he's going to reply to my big love letter on his way to the plane and say something sweet- maybe he will say nothing and hope I forget about him. 6 months is long enough to wait for a first date and I can't be just his friend because he is my everything and I think Im in love with him for real.

I just imagine him laying there beside me in my bed. Not doing anything but just sleeping all warm and soft and snuggly. Just close to me and safe and sweet. And when he's so far away I can just escape to my bed and hold my pillow and imagine him right there because he was. I need that to feel connected when he's a million miles away from me. And I dream of his kisses all over me and his hands on me and his sweet sad eyes and how it will feel to be close to him and feel his warm skin on mine and how lost we will be when finally there's no more holding back. I can't breathe when I think about never kissing him or him never making love to me, I can't bear the thought of never getting these emotions out and never showing him how I feel. I'll go crazy. Just melting in his arms and his kisses make me drunk and being together and belonging to him that's all I want. That's all I dream about. And when he's in Iraq and scared and lonely I want him to remember how wonderful it was to be with me and be safe and loved and adored. I want to be that for him if only he would let me in. He just can't leave me here like this I will be so devistated. What I love about this is it will just be me and him. Hand in hand going through the world together. That is my sweetest dream and my only dream. Just Steve, Always.