Hot or Not?

Oh hell I don't know. Not. What is confusing is that he was vulnerable. And he said in his profile on the sexy page that being honest is the quality he looks for most. Im everything he ever wanted and he can't go for it. Im finished with this and I truly don't feel the same. I shared a special dream I had with him and he has ignored me ever since. Not a word and that hurts my feelings. I have never in my life been treated this way and just check out like that. If that is going too far then he needs more help than I ever imagined. Im not a nun and to reject me like that is so hurtful. I learned in the 4 agreements not to take things personally, he may just be tired of holding me off knowing he doesn't want a serious relationship. But why, why not take a chance. Why does he see love as something negative and a loss instead of freedom? Why not just test the waters and see that it can be a good thing. Im sad for him because something is clearly wrong when a person deliberately would rather be single. He's soft hearted and I know he never meant to hurt me at all. I know that but I fell in love and now he doesn't know what to do except close down. I know he's drinking non stop and partying. Who would want a lifetime of one night stands and empty animal sex. Maybe now and then, but being in love is so much better. I don't have forever and Im going to leave him behind.

I have thought about sending a message but I just can't make myself do it. His behavior is rude and I am so above that.. I have no place for that treatment in my life at all. I won't take that from anyone.

And then my brother yesterday--opening up those accounts for all the kids. It hurts me to say this but he has nothing material to offer me. He doesn't ask about my kids, he has no interest in being a couple at all and our date once we were alone was all about sex. I loved it and I was just as much into it as him so no regrets. I loved kissing him, I loved every little wink on his body, I loved every minute, every touch, everything was so good. And could have been really awesome if my body wasn't all goofed up over those depo shots. I didn't even get to do my magic and show him my special gifts and I didn't worry about it because I knew it wouldn't be our only night together. That's what im pissed off about because I love him and if your're gonna fuck me and leave me Steve, well then FUCK ME! Woohoo! Giggle!

And then I saw Bub today at the gas station and he said Billy was 80 miles outside of Wichita so he's home tonight. If I could go back in time I would have never let that man go. He was my special someone. He's married with 2 kids now so that's the end of that but we hugged and he was going to tell him hello - I didn't even say it he offered - he knows me. So life goes on. There are good guys out there who value marraige, value togetherness, good ole boys and that's where I belong. I wish more than anything that Steve could be my silver spring but it's not possible. I want the boring traditional plain old marraige and im a firecracker from heaven and make it fun and exciting. I want a man to love me, need me, require me and cherish me. Anything less is not worth the risk of marraige and divorcing if it doesn't work out. I have to have a man like that or I won't marry anyone. And im ready. So-- I do have hope and I do truly believe in love. Even with this sad disappointed little fat heart.

2006 is about ME...

I'll be curious to see how this plays out. Here is my solution because he ignores me now and that pisses me off and I would rather slap him in the fucking face than kiss him. But honey attracts bees not... so I presented my resolution like a lady and I'll be glad to get this over with and on to happy times and not another lonely year like this was. My 6th sense tells me that he has been with other women since me and he would rather just back away than let me down even more. I think he thinks I will judge him like a man slut and he's right. I hope that's not true, and there will be no long night goodbye if that's true. Hopefully he's just drunk all the time and that's the extent of my curse. I must have been retarded to love someone heart and soul like I loved him and got absolutely nothing in return but misery. I want him out of my heart, out of my mind, out of my dreams and open to find a love for myself. I never felt so lonely and loving him brought to surface every single crings I ever had about the absolute fear of being abandoned. Most days this fall I felt like a little girl of 5 waiting and wishing for my dad to please come back home. I realized that it's self destructive to let someone do this to me so he has to GO. I just need a kiss and a hug and that will probably be it. I hope it can be more and we can have a memorable night, but if he's been skirting around there is no way. Im not going to be the recipient of some kooties from god knows where. Im sad that this even crossed my mind but im not stupid and im not blind. He has a strong drive and no need for me so doesn't that say it all.. I don't want some sleezy love story, I want a good guy who is devoted to me and only me and my heart knows it never will be him.

"So are you gonna take me out on my birthday in Feb? Its on a saturday night with a full moon and I want you to it would be so perfect. I decided when you were home for thanksgiving that what would be best for me is if we could go do something fun together as a goodbye so we can close this door and move forward. I need to say goodbye in my own way meaning closure and something good to remember so this is a positive thing in my life. I really need that from you very much. This is supposed to be the best time of your life and celebrating every weekend becuase you guys dont have to go risk your life and youre all gonna live to be old men. I don't want to be some girl that makes you feel bad and I know I do and I don't want to be that at all. I chose to make this whole year all about you, I could have been out running around like normal but I only wanted you. I thought that things were going to be different between us so how could I not be disappointed. This fall was hurtful because although you were always sweet and we talked everyday I still felt like an empty beercan thrown out your window. That hurt and really what reaction did you think I would have, what did you expect? I want just one man whos going to be around every weekend and take up all my time and be close and have wild nights and be emotionally close enough to be intimate that way. You made me realize how much I missed having that in my life and I wanted him to be you more than I wanted air. So don't be mad at me if I drove you crazy and went off the deepend because you woke up that side of me that forgot all the things that were missing for me. I have to have it like that just to feel secure and comfortable and know im the only one before I could have a sexual relationship with someone. Im ready for that now I want that kind of relationship and you don't.. so there it is. I don't understand why you don't need me that way, why you don't let someone love you and why can't it be me because im one of the good ones duh! :o) But that isn't a priority or a strong need you have right now so I can accept that. I can't move forward and meet someone new if I have feelings for you and wish it was you anyway so I need to say goodbye for real and then we can just be plain old friends and everything will be cool and it won't bug me not to talk everyday because my heart won't be in it.. I need you to do that for me ok?

I want you to be happy and have a great time while you are here doing your time in Ks and I want to be a good memory, not someone who drove you banannas ok? Remember when you said some girl you liked turned psycho on you and I laughed and said in the end were all psychos haha. Am I that way too now?? giggle. See what effect you have on women ;) Well my living room is full of stuff to wrap and I did find Jordon his compact refrigerator at home depot in topeka from santa so he will be so happy. He can have his mountain dew in his room now and we found the bigger gold hoops I have been looking for for 2 years and my favorite-- cool water-- gift set in the mall so I got lucky yesterday. That's the best part of being single is I go get exactly what I want and wrap it up to me from one of my kids haha. Thats kind of breaking the rules huh? :o)"

Fingers crossed so he'll take the bait. I'll look so good and kiss him and then kick his goofy ass to the curb. Then I'll cry an ocean of tears for us both missing our sweetest love story and then I'll get on with my life and 2006 will be a good year.

I need a man in my life

It's cold outside and Im alone with no friends at all. I don't have one friend to confide in. I have Steve. I don't understand him at all, perfectly content being alone and why did this happen. I thought he was ignoring me last week when he had no internet access for 5 days and then I was wrong and relieved. I sent him the sweetest note this morning about a dream I had and I felt good to tell him how I think about him. I love this man and he won't give an inch. I want him in my life and I want him to love me and it's not going to happen. I don't want to let go but I have to because it's driving me crazy. I feel so much and there is no way to get it out at all and it takes up every thought of every day because I want him close to me and he won't. Im so frustrated and I know I melted his heart and im proud of myself for going outside my safety zone and telling him that I have needs. I need him and I can't take more of this. I want someone to love and my vision doesnt go past him. I don't want anyone else. My baby got in a wreck tonight and here I am alone. He should be here with me and that is so rediculous of a thought. I said all sorts of things like if someone else was around I wouldn't care but it's not true. Im obsessed and I can't help it because hes hanging everything i want in my face and then taking it away. I don't know if hes trying not to hurt me or just doesn't like dating. He would rather have meaningless sex with strangers. I have no clue. All I know is im really hurting and I don't know what to do now.

Devistated or Determined to do better

I hate dating. I hate putting your heart out there and trusting a stranger and the possiblity of getting rejected. Why can't I just find a good hearted guy who will be good to me and love me and I love him and just get on with my life. Why do I pick evasive players like this. So this is what he meant when he said you know Ive been with other people.. he must have spent the night with someone last night- avoided me all week and not on line since yesterday afternoon. I really know how to pick the good ones. He must sleep around alot and thats why he didn't want pda's out together, just incase one of his "friends" apparently like me saw him. It makes feel nautious. He said I was everything and it was a done deal just to get me and then boom gone never see him again. He emails me and strings me along everyday not to feel bad I guess because I told him no just for this reason. Im heartbroken and he seems sleezy to me and what other impression could I have. I hate the fact that I assume the worst because what other guess makes sense. I thought he was going to be special. I said at least 800 times I didn't want to end up hurt and tell me now if you don't feel the same way about me.. In the end, he just ignores me like a chicken shit when theres nothing left to do. I knew when he left here and hugged me tight and didn't say when he would see me again- I knew something was wrong- I knew he has done this many times before- when he didn't look back and wave to me but just drove off-- I knew I wouldn't see him again. I just couldnt believe it and I hoped that I was wrong. He turned out to be the most hurtful let down that Ive ever known. When we were on our date he was so attentive and sweet to me, I thought I might end up with him for real. The things he said were real and how can you just turn off and on like that and nothing means anything. Im heartbroken and I need to let go and I just don't want to admit that this whole thing was for nothing. I wrote him a letter yesterday but i will never send it. Despite how I feel, im a lady and above dragging behind some guy. Sorry - i'll never do that. He might waste his life and his time on pointless meaningless sex- I just didn't realize I was one of them. Right now I feel almost dirty I never had this happen before. I'll make sure it never happens again.


I have been holding back for a month debating whether or not to tell you how I feel and now It doesnt matter. I am furious with you. How dare you treat me like some shoe in your closet. Really, how can you be irritated and ignore me for having a reaction to the things you said. I am so mad at you for telling me all those sweet things and telling me it didnt matter what happened now or later because from now on it was just me and you. Im sure you will say you don't remember any of that because we were drinking but that is so mean. Thats just great, the one date that meant something special to me was really just a big shovel to my heart. I was so hurt this fall just left all alone to wonder what I did and figure it out on my own that I didn't mean anything. I wouldnt let anyone I cared about feel like that, so I guess there's my answer. So im just one of many friends you have im sure and that pisses me off. Im one of the good ones and you are going to be really sad when you realize that what you are looking all over for was right in front of you. Youre missing out on your life and I have had enough. Why cant you just let someone love you and be happy. I know you have alot on your mind and you work hard and late sometimes and can't get away easily but I would be stupid to think that you haven't been dating. I was too horrified to even ask about it when you told be about something in July and that was my fault. I should have never read more into anything and I could have been out and about just the same but that didn't appeal to me at the time because I wanted only you. Im tired of writing these stupid letters, im tired of missing you, im tired of wishing you would come knock on my door and just hug me and make this quit and nothing. Im tired of looking out my kitchen window and I can see ft riley and youre right there but I can't see you. I have some concerns and maybe this isn't what I thought to start with, all I wanted was to say goodbye in my own sweet way and then just get on with my life and let this go. I can't turn off and on like a light I needed closure and now so much time has passed it would be too weird. Im mad because i took those shots that messed me all up and I didn't even get to show you special things that I had been dreaming about for months and now it's too late. I don't care what your answer is or if you ignore me. Dont talk to me, dont call me, dont look at me, do not ever touch me again. I just want to be left alone and get back to me and being positive and working out and being happy and do constructive things with my time instead of being lonely and feeling like im some beer can thrown out the window. Now im just another one of those psycho girls that you can't stand. I dont need this mess in my life I cannot stand this one more day. I would have done anything for you and all I wanted in this world was you and for you to be happy and be happy with me. And now for what-I just feel like some idiot with the judgement of a monkey. Please just leave me alone now. I am brokenhearted and its cold outside and its christmas and I don't have you and im just very mad because I was so blind and saw only what I wanted to see and thats my own fault.

He's a dickhead anyway. Just a dumb skirt chasing guy with no sense. I can't believe I got caught up in this and I feel like a fool. He should feel like a fool because he just lost the best thing he will ever get. I might feel sad inside and feel let down but he is an idiot for letting me go. And he did. If he was interested in me he would have been here 2 months ago, what I need most is to take good care of me and get out and about and find a nice guy who will give me what I need. There are nice guys out there I know it. I don't need someone in my life who makes me feel inadequate and not slutty enough. He likes the sleezy whores and sorry I couldn't be that on our first date Steve. I really think thats whats wrong I was a nice girl.. but... He doesn't even know me.