It's for real

He's leaving this weekend I guess. Everyone seems to know the details but me and that fucking pisses me off to no end. I think he knows that if I knew a date I would beg him like a baby to come here and I guess I probably honestly would. Today is 1 year since our date and doesnt it just figure that he's leaving now. I can't say goodbye, not at all I just put him as my first friend and got the hell off of there. I cant say the words. I don't know what Im going to do my chest is in shreads and I cant tell him, I cant tell anyone because the look at me like im a fucking retard. How can you love someone who did all that and then turned around and walked off. I'll almost feel happy when he's gone so I dont have to feel rejected every minute of the day im awake. I dont even know if it is rejection, I dont have a clue. Im just fucking pissed and hurt and so scared and twisted up inside I could scream until my throat blew up. I called him last Thursday and he never called me back just visited online. Im afraid to hope he will call me on his way out of here. Im afraid to hope for anything. I wanted to marry this guy and I wanted him more than anyone in my life. I can't believe this is it forever. We're not going to be the same people anymore when he does get back here. It wont ever be the same and my pain is so raw right now I dont even know what to do. I know I havent seen him in a year as of today, this year has been miserable and he knew it and did nothing at all. And when I drifted too far away to save myself he reaches out and ropes me back in. I just cant wait for a year and have nothing and no one and then when he does get back we can start all over with his constant drinking and ignoring me. This is retarded and no im not in the game anymore. Even if he does make it back perfectly fine which I will always hope he does, he's not coming back to me. Its time to let go and move on. This is goodbye forever to Steve my future, I know I need to look off in another direction for that. It's just if something happens to him and he never hugged me goodbye I dont know how I could get through that. I hate him for doing this to me. Im so crushed right now bawling I cant hardly breathe. I dont know why he did this to me or why. I dont understand what is the harm in just not leaving me here like a total motherfucker. I'd like to take his combat boot and throw it at his fucking head.