Devistated or Determined to do better

I hate dating. I hate putting your heart out there and trusting a stranger and the possiblity of getting rejected. Why can't I just find a good hearted guy who will be good to me and love me and I love him and just get on with my life. Why do I pick evasive players like this. So this is what he meant when he said you know Ive been with other people.. he must have spent the night with someone last night- avoided me all week and not on line since yesterday afternoon. I really know how to pick the good ones. He must sleep around alot and thats why he didn't want pda's out together, just incase one of his "friends" apparently like me saw him. It makes feel nautious. He said I was everything and it was a done deal just to get me and then boom gone never see him again. He emails me and strings me along everyday not to feel bad I guess because I told him no just for this reason. Im heartbroken and he seems sleezy to me and what other impression could I have. I hate the fact that I assume the worst because what other guess makes sense. I thought he was going to be special. I said at least 800 times I didn't want to end up hurt and tell me now if you don't feel the same way about me.. In the end, he just ignores me like a chicken shit when theres nothing left to do. I knew when he left here and hugged me tight and didn't say when he would see me again- I knew something was wrong- I knew he has done this many times before- when he didn't look back and wave to me but just drove off-- I knew I wouldn't see him again. I just couldnt believe it and I hoped that I was wrong. He turned out to be the most hurtful let down that Ive ever known. When we were on our date he was so attentive and sweet to me, I thought I might end up with him for real. The things he said were real and how can you just turn off and on like that and nothing means anything. Im heartbroken and I need to let go and I just don't want to admit that this whole thing was for nothing. I wrote him a letter yesterday but i will never send it. Despite how I feel, im a lady and above dragging behind some guy. Sorry - i'll never do that. He might waste his life and his time on pointless meaningless sex- I just didn't realize I was one of them. Right now I feel almost dirty I never had this happen before. I'll make sure it never happens again.


I have been holding back for a month debating whether or not to tell you how I feel and now It doesnt matter. I am furious with you. How dare you treat me like some shoe in your closet. Really, how can you be irritated and ignore me for having a reaction to the things you said. I am so mad at you for telling me all those sweet things and telling me it didnt matter what happened now or later because from now on it was just me and you. Im sure you will say you don't remember any of that because we were drinking but that is so mean. Thats just great, the one date that meant something special to me was really just a big shovel to my heart. I was so hurt this fall just left all alone to wonder what I did and figure it out on my own that I didn't mean anything. I wouldnt let anyone I cared about feel like that, so I guess there's my answer. So im just one of many friends you have im sure and that pisses me off. Im one of the good ones and you are going to be really sad when you realize that what you are looking all over for was right in front of you. Youre missing out on your life and I have had enough. Why cant you just let someone love you and be happy. I know you have alot on your mind and you work hard and late sometimes and can't get away easily but I would be stupid to think that you haven't been dating. I was too horrified to even ask about it when you told be about something in July and that was my fault. I should have never read more into anything and I could have been out and about just the same but that didn't appeal to me at the time because I wanted only you. Im tired of writing these stupid letters, im tired of missing you, im tired of wishing you would come knock on my door and just hug me and make this quit and nothing. Im tired of looking out my kitchen window and I can see ft riley and youre right there but I can't see you. I have some concerns and maybe this isn't what I thought to start with, all I wanted was to say goodbye in my own sweet way and then just get on with my life and let this go. I can't turn off and on like a light I needed closure and now so much time has passed it would be too weird. Im mad because i took those shots that messed me all up and I didn't even get to show you special things that I had been dreaming about for months and now it's too late. I don't care what your answer is or if you ignore me. Dont talk to me, dont call me, dont look at me, do not ever touch me again. I just want to be left alone and get back to me and being positive and working out and being happy and do constructive things with my time instead of being lonely and feeling like im some beer can thrown out the window. Now im just another one of those psycho girls that you can't stand. I dont need this mess in my life I cannot stand this one more day. I would have done anything for you and all I wanted in this world was you and for you to be happy and be happy with me. And now for what-I just feel like some idiot with the judgement of a monkey. Please just leave me alone now. I am brokenhearted and its cold outside and its christmas and I don't have you and im just very mad because I was so blind and saw only what I wanted to see and thats my own fault.

He's a dickhead anyway. Just a dumb skirt chasing guy with no sense. I can't believe I got caught up in this and I feel like a fool. He should feel like a fool because he just lost the best thing he will ever get. I might feel sad inside and feel let down but he is an idiot for letting me go. And he did. If he was interested in me he would have been here 2 months ago, what I need most is to take good care of me and get out and about and find a nice guy who will give me what I need. There are nice guys out there I know it. I don't need someone in my life who makes me feel inadequate and not slutty enough. He likes the sleezy whores and sorry I couldn't be that on our first date Steve. I really think thats whats wrong I was a nice girl.. but... He doesn't even know me.