Im Moving On..

You know what. Im gonna get this out today and get it over with now instead of next week or next month because I can't stand this one more minute. I am so angry with you and with me for this whole thing. Are you saying that you were so drunk that you dont remember what you said to me? In my kitchen and wherever else, I can't believe that. Yes people say things thinking from their hearts first and I know you never meant for either one of us to be hurt at all. I know that and you could have just never talked to me again the very next day if thats all it meant to you. I resent just being left alone to figure out that you didn't mean it when you said it was just going to be me and you from now on. I wanted it to be me and you and im sorry if I fell in love a little bit but how could I not because me and you are like two peas in a pod and that was the sweetest date night I ever had too. After all that time waiting and then boom there you were for real and did not disappoint at all. You are so handsome and sweet and ornery but good on the inside and a little bit vulnerable too and that is completely irresistable to me. Just the way it felt to kiss you and me together and how strong but soft and yummi your body is, it was perfect and I was just lost. Im so mad because I was all messed up because of those stupid shots I took and I didn't even get to show you what I really like. I dreamed all summer about you and what I was going to do when I finally got ahold of you and then when it was for real I didn't get to. And now it's like its too late. I dont need some date to say goodbye that would be like an ax right back in my heart. It's just done and im hurt and its like now that youre not leaving theres nothing to do but ignore me. That pisses me off, im trying to be positive but im really mad and its because youre mister easygoing dont give ashit shell get over it.. but i wont because theres no one like you. I maybe not be what you are looking for but you are everything i ever wished for. If I could ask god to make me someone to love he would be exactly like you. And now im so freaking mad at you it doesn't matter because its too late. You and your african boney nose hoochie coochies. Happy fuckin new year

ok sorry

all this time i thought i was going back to iraq and i didnt want to get involved with anyone and now that im not going i dont know what i want

I decided last night that I have had enough. Every holiday this year was spent alone- except for valentines day because we met in March. I watched must love dogs last night for NYE and I am totally normal just like her. I don't want to be miss sophisticated dating 5 people at once. I want someone who is going to be around, someone who wants a relationship, saturday nights and sleep late sunday morning and make breakfast. I want something special and someone who wants the same. Not roping in a confirmed bachelor and hoping he'll stay. This is pointless and a waste of my time. I put on 30 pounds comforting myself devistated and confused. I ate my way through lonliness and that's my fault but who would do that to someone they cared about. I played along in this game all along. I would have done anything in this world for him, and what has he done for me? Nothing. All these wives with their husbands overseas wishing they could be together for christmas and nye, he's 5 minutes away from me and nothing. I feel insulted and humiliated for being so gullible and blind. Im too old to be waiting around for someone who can't make up their mind- after a year Steve don't you have a clue? For me to be so bereft that I lower myself and say cuss words and not be a lady.. I don't feel the same now. At all. I don't want this man, I was wrong and he is not what I need in my life. He makes me question my own value and thats not a person I would ever want around. Its too late and now its just over. He's free to go.