2006 is about ME...

I'll be curious to see how this plays out. Here is my solution because he ignores me now and that pisses me off and I would rather slap him in the fucking face than kiss him. But honey attracts bees not... so I presented my resolution like a lady and I'll be glad to get this over with and on to happy times and not another lonely year like this was. My 6th sense tells me that he has been with other women since me and he would rather just back away than let me down even more. I think he thinks I will judge him like a man slut and he's right. I hope that's not true, and there will be no long night goodbye if that's true. Hopefully he's just drunk all the time and that's the extent of my curse. I must have been retarded to love someone heart and soul like I loved him and got absolutely nothing in return but misery. I want him out of my heart, out of my mind, out of my dreams and open to find a love for myself. I never felt so lonely and loving him brought to surface every single crings I ever had about the absolute fear of being abandoned. Most days this fall I felt like a little girl of 5 waiting and wishing for my dad to please come back home. I realized that it's self destructive to let someone do this to me so he has to GO. I just need a kiss and a hug and that will probably be it. I hope it can be more and we can have a memorable night, but if he's been skirting around there is no way. Im not going to be the recipient of some kooties from god knows where. Im sad that this even crossed my mind but im not stupid and im not blind. He has a strong drive and no need for me so doesn't that say it all.. I don't want some sleezy love story, I want a good guy who is devoted to me and only me and my heart knows it never will be him.

"So are you gonna take me out on my birthday in Feb? Its on a saturday night with a full moon and I want you to it would be so perfect. I decided when you were home for thanksgiving that what would be best for me is if we could go do something fun together as a goodbye so we can close this door and move forward. I need to say goodbye in my own way meaning closure and something good to remember so this is a positive thing in my life. I really need that from you very much. This is supposed to be the best time of your life and celebrating every weekend becuase you guys dont have to go risk your life and youre all gonna live to be old men. I don't want to be some girl that makes you feel bad and I know I do and I don't want to be that at all. I chose to make this whole year all about you, I could have been out running around like normal but I only wanted you. I thought that things were going to be different between us so how could I not be disappointed. This fall was hurtful because although you were always sweet and we talked everyday I still felt like an empty beercan thrown out your window. That hurt and really what reaction did you think I would have, what did you expect? I want just one man whos going to be around every weekend and take up all my time and be close and have wild nights and be emotionally close enough to be intimate that way. You made me realize how much I missed having that in my life and I wanted him to be you more than I wanted air. So don't be mad at me if I drove you crazy and went off the deepend because you woke up that side of me that forgot all the things that were missing for me. I have to have it like that just to feel secure and comfortable and know im the only one before I could have a sexual relationship with someone. Im ready for that now I want that kind of relationship and you don't.. so there it is. I don't understand why you don't need me that way, why you don't let someone love you and why can't it be me because im one of the good ones duh! :o) But that isn't a priority or a strong need you have right now so I can accept that. I can't move forward and meet someone new if I have feelings for you and wish it was you anyway so I need to say goodbye for real and then we can just be plain old friends and everything will be cool and it won't bug me not to talk everyday because my heart won't be in it.. I need you to do that for me ok?

I want you to be happy and have a great time while you are here doing your time in Ks and I want to be a good memory, not someone who drove you banannas ok? Remember when you said some girl you liked turned psycho on you and I laughed and said in the end were all psychos haha. Am I that way too now?? giggle. See what effect you have on women ;) Well my living room is full of stuff to wrap and I did find Jordon his compact refrigerator at home depot in topeka from santa so he will be so happy. He can have his mountain dew in his room now and we found the bigger gold hoops I have been looking for for 2 years and my favorite-- cool water-- gift set in the mall so I got lucky yesterday. That's the best part of being single is I go get exactly what I want and wrap it up to me from one of my kids haha. Thats kind of breaking the rules huh? :o)"

Fingers crossed so he'll take the bait. I'll look so good and kiss him and then kick his goofy ass to the curb. Then I'll cry an ocean of tears for us both missing our sweetest love story and then I'll get on with my life and 2006 will be a good year.