Turned over a new leaf

Steve thank you for saying that so I know that it wasnt that I did something wrong. I have so much that I want to accomplish this year and I want to jump into it being positive and happy. It felt better getting my feelings out but then it bothers me when I say ugly things and dont act like a lady because thats not my way and attacking you wasn't what I meant to do. Its just been confusing and all that. I really sincerely need to be doing my own thing for awhile and get more grounded and focused. It must be frustrating to you too after all that training and hot horrible month in August and being in the field all those times to just not go at all. I was happy, I am happy that you don't have to, but at least you knew what to expect because you were there before. Now you could get assigned to anything and just the uncertainty of it all. That's probably alot to sort through and get comfortable with after preparing for war all that time. You know if you need to talk im right here but im focusing 800% on getting really healthy and strong this year especially. I have the anniversary from hell in Oct so that's propelled me into gear in the biggest way of my whole life and im excited & this is gonna be so wonderful.

Ok! Be good & chat later xo nicole
happy new year

so how was your new years? i was passed out by 11pm thanks to jagger

So what does that mean? Im done with him and the reason is that Im out of hope. I did everything I could think of to make him want me and love me and he wouldn't take the bait. Im not into disfunctional relationships and I have ended every one that didn't work for me. It's just that we never got that far. I was there feeling like what is wrong with you that you don't love me because I have everything going for me, im someone who could actually make you happy and have a great life with. If im not your angel then I should be. As this ends and I come back to earth from all the reacting- im more comfortable with what's wrong with you than what did I do wrong.

This isn't a joke. Im 36 and I want a husband and a happy home and stablity and a best friend. The man I dream about worships the ground I walk on, he would never hurt me or neglect me. If he did, I would let him go and move on. Life is for being happy and not wasted away on people who don't appreciate you. I need a man to see my heart, to love my heart and what im all about. To cherish me and think im the greatest catch in this world. Because I am. I think he's stupid.

Rather than having something real, a real woman to touch and love and confide in and trust and support him and take care of him. He would rather get drunk, live with a bunch of guys like in a frat house, surf the internet for porn girls and women he will never meet. That's stupid and a waste of time. Why is it my job to convince him what's good for him. If he won't see me for what I really am, I can't make him. And what made me put so much stock in someone who drinks so much. It impairs his whole life. Why did I see only what I wanted and not what was real. I love his heighth, his body, his kiss, his eyes, his ears and devil chin, I love his hands and the way he leaned over and kissed me, the way he was a total male and not holding back, I felt like a hot woman, I felt beautiful, He's smart and well mannered and very boyish and immature at times, very sweet and sensitive, he was everything I ever wanted at first glance.

On the other hand, he hardly talks about his feelings, he hides his emotions and I found myself interpreting and analyzing everything, he wouldn't be rude or mean ever and so I took that as a sincere interest in me, he drinks and blacks out, he ignored my son on messenger, he ignored me many times and things that I went out on a limb for he said nothing. That made me feel rejected. He's never been married, he has not had a girlfriend since who knows when, he said he has dated since last Oct but nothing serious... so he does not value a one on one monogamous relationship at all. I know that im the closest he's been to anyone in a very long time but he's not into it. He was relieved to get away and he's relieved now that I stood up and said cut the ties.

Im not into casual dating. I picked someone I thought was a perfect match and we are on alot of levels. He's good on the inside and poor or different judgement on some things. I want to be in love, I want to know that there is someone waiting for me and can't wait until I get there. I miss my husband, I wish we could have been more compatable on the big issues. The good times were so good and the bad times were horrible. I miss having someone there when the day is all done. I miss having and being somebodys baby.

I looked on his page today and now im not the number one friend. He might as well delete me then because i don't do number 2. Period. That did it because what has to happen to get me back in his heart. Was I ever there anyway. I feel like I love too much I made him so comfortable and confident by my reassurances and then he takes his huge ego and goes and loves someone else. That's my jealous streak and that's not true. I want to love someone and I want to tell them all the special things, I wouldn't do it any other way. I will do this all over again with someone new and there is no reason why it can't work out for me. Im a sweet girl, im a sexy beast, smart, cool, beautiful and i can bring it. When he sees me he'll be sorry and feel like a freak. Unless he's too drunk to notice me which is 98% likely.

Is this really worth any more of my time? No. Not as a love interest. It's just done and it's too late now.

12/7 Thurs night nicolem872000: well now I have some privacy so I can tell you what I dreamed. what if you heard a noise in the middle of the night and opened your eyes and there I was mmmm all warm and soft and wanting you. You said comehere baby and made a place for me under your covers next to you. I was kissing you all over and it was so tingly and real and good it was the sweetest dream and what if I said we got down and dirty baby. I like that. And then when I did wake up it was like oh... sigh I was just dreaming... see what you do to me!

Who ever loved him like I did? Idiot.

Im Moving On..

You know what. Im gonna get this out today and get it over with now instead of next week or next month because I can't stand this one more minute. I am so angry with you and with me for this whole thing. Are you saying that you were so drunk that you dont remember what you said to me? In my kitchen and wherever else, I can't believe that. Yes people say things thinking from their hearts first and I know you never meant for either one of us to be hurt at all. I know that and you could have just never talked to me again the very next day if thats all it meant to you. I resent just being left alone to figure out that you didn't mean it when you said it was just going to be me and you from now on. I wanted it to be me and you and im sorry if I fell in love a little bit but how could I not because me and you are like two peas in a pod and that was the sweetest date night I ever had too. After all that time waiting and then boom there you were for real and did not disappoint at all. You are so handsome and sweet and ornery but good on the inside and a little bit vulnerable too and that is completely irresistable to me. Just the way it felt to kiss you and me together and how strong but soft and yummi your body is, it was perfect and I was just lost. Im so mad because I was all messed up because of those stupid shots I took and I didn't even get to show you what I really like. I dreamed all summer about you and what I was going to do when I finally got ahold of you and then when it was for real I didn't get to. And now it's like its too late. I dont need some date to say goodbye that would be like an ax right back in my heart. It's just done and im hurt and its like now that youre not leaving theres nothing to do but ignore me. That pisses me off, im trying to be positive but im really mad and its because youre mister easygoing dont give ashit shell get over it.. but i wont because theres no one like you. I maybe not be what you are looking for but you are everything i ever wished for. If I could ask god to make me someone to love he would be exactly like you. And now im so freaking mad at you it doesn't matter because its too late. You and your african boney nose hoochie coochies. Happy fuckin new year

ok sorry

all this time i thought i was going back to iraq and i didnt want to get involved with anyone and now that im not going i dont know what i want

I decided last night that I have had enough. Every holiday this year was spent alone- except for valentines day because we met in March. I watched must love dogs last night for NYE and I am totally normal just like her. I don't want to be miss sophisticated dating 5 people at once. I want someone who is going to be around, someone who wants a relationship, saturday nights and sleep late sunday morning and make breakfast. I want something special and someone who wants the same. Not roping in a confirmed bachelor and hoping he'll stay. This is pointless and a waste of my time. I put on 30 pounds comforting myself devistated and confused. I ate my way through lonliness and that's my fault but who would do that to someone they cared about. I played along in this game all along. I would have done anything in this world for him, and what has he done for me? Nothing. All these wives with their husbands overseas wishing they could be together for christmas and nye, he's 5 minutes away from me and nothing. I feel insulted and humiliated for being so gullible and blind. Im too old to be waiting around for someone who can't make up their mind- after a year Steve don't you have a clue? For me to be so bereft that I lower myself and say cuss words and not be a lady.. I don't feel the same now. At all. I don't want this man, I was wrong and he is not what I need in my life. He makes me question my own value and thats not a person I would ever want around. Its too late and now its just over. He's free to go.