Wicked Game

Well it's almost been 10 months since I have seen his face. Exactly 9 months and 20 days tonight since I saw him which was the first and only time ever being face to face. How can a guy say all those things and then just turn away. Going to Iraq.. Something tells me that this is just a minor part in it and that he just isnt into me at all. We dont really talk at all anymore, in fact the middle part of June 20th he put a flower on my page late at night for a prayer I sent out in a message... I have never been so blue in my life over anyone. I know this is wrong to torment myself over a love lost, and I have irritated him to death with my carrying on I think so I just dont say much anymore. Its wrong to give such control over your happiness over to another person. Im just too old for this now, at 37 I dont have time to play around and I need more than he will give me. He is intelligent and sweet, everything I ever wanted and seeing my brother drink non stop for a week and he is still 100% sucessful and just being a guy.. Its not like Steve is some fall down drunk, he just didnt want me I guess and Im devistated. There is just this space in my chest that no one is going to fill up again because I close my eyes and I see him sitting there across from me driving through Manhattan saying this is our very first date and you know youre alright, and kissing me and the moon shining on him through the window. I thought that this was it and you know those jitters you get when you meet someone that you really like and hey all that waiting was for this and I was right to wait because he's so worth it...Im so sad inside I dont know what to do with myself sometimes. I cant believe that all this time went by. That was before midnight- after midnight the chase was over so it's just as much my fault. I cant blame him entirely, I know how the chase works and I gave in to a guy being a guy. Im just as much to blame. I turned myself from future to someone in his past on our first date and Its just as much my fault. I just wanted to kiss him one more time and make a memory- a real one. We'll see. I just wish I had gone with the food mover and been able to get a grip so I would be 40pounds less now instead of the opposite. I want to tell him goodbye for Iraq but who knows if that is even on his mind... I wanted to be his wife not his bootie call so Im not sure if that is even a good idea anyway. I do feel better knowing that he had no intention of letting anyone be his wife so its not all me. Maybe he was afraid of his own feelings anyway and felt safer backing off. Maybe I will never know. I just know I really fell hard for Mr B and I wish more than anything for one more night with the man I believe he is.