Hate

Hes gone, and a million miles away
couldnt care less about what Im facing
Hell and the wolf are growling at my door
And I have no one but me.
He was never mine, I was just deluding myself
he's not coming.

Im scared, scared as hell
my kids are turned against me
my children dont want me in their life
They trust you and you deceive them
my children
my whole life

no friend, no shoulder, no man
to say everything is gonna be alright
and I wont let anything happen to you
or I love you
or Im yours no matter what happens

where is the man
where is the knight in shining armour
where is my love story
i feel cold and forgotten and alone
i feel pain so raw

I never felt hate
not like this
not from my heart and wishing someone death
I hate you
I hate the day you were born
I hate the day I saw you
I hate the day I loved you
I hate the day I married your worthless piece of dirt
I hate the day I made you a father
so you could break my heart
into a trillion pieces
you owe every happiness to me
and I got nothing but misery

I hope you rot in the hottest corner of hell
for a hundred years
I hope your eyes melt out and your heart turns black
like mine is now.
You are the most hideous human being
I have ever known and I cursed my whole life the
day I loved you
the thought of you brings vomit to my throat
I hate you I hate the day you were ever conceived
I hate your family
I hate your mother for making such a bastard of a son
Burn in hell for a thousand years and I wouldn't spit on you
I hate you and god please forgive me
I understand hate and I feel it.

Saying goodbye

One of the hardest lessons in life to learn...
Is which bridge to cross and which bridge to burn

It's the hardest thing to do. Your head is going one way and your heart lags behind it just cant let go. God this has been so very painful for me and I just can't believe that he never came back. He's going to go off to war without telling me goodbye in person and so what if we ended up in bed.. Im exhausted. Im truly wiped out from loving someone and fully knowing I may never see him again ever even if he comes out of this absolutely fine, theres no guarantee that he would just have to see me to celebrate. I have visited the depression village too many times and its just rediculous. I dont have an answer, I have nothing. Im heartbroken, Im 37 he's about to turn 38 he'll be 39 when he gets back here. I cant go two years without sex. And the only man on this earth that I want is him. It sucks to be me...

If I close my eyes
here you are
Warm andSafe
and Mine.... again
Your hands
rough
Your lips
soft
Your face
sleepy
relax baby let me care for you
I want to be the whisper
on your lips
I love you
I want to be the air
that you breathe
in and out
as close as I can be
to you
I want to be in your heart
in your mind
missing me, loving me
wanting me.
Please.


I wish I could be
the little loose eyelash
on your cheek
ruffled loose and
on a quiet breeze
everywhere you go
everything you see
buddies you and me
Heavy winds might
blow me away
But here I will stay
close to you
Im drifting down now
to your sweet smile
Little eyelash
stay awhile
I kiss your skin
Im close to you
Invisible and here im safe
Sneak me everywhere
you and I will go
At nighttime
Im drifting down again
onto your pillow
and softly
next to you I shall sleep
and if you
get scared
there I will be
to whisper once again
I love you
and here I will be
as long as you let me.

Last night:

wow my clock is fast right now it's really 5:50 pm and last year right now I was in my purple nightie getting ready for the sweetest date of my life. I watched him walk to my door from my bedroom window and I was scared to open the door because he was soooo cute and then he knocked. I opened the door and smiled and said hi and went straight into his arms and he hugged me and we were both all smiles. He stayed outside at first while I was finishing up and then I went down to get my clothes and asked him do you wanna come in?? He did and then I finished up sat on the stairs putting coconut lime lotion on my legs asking him if my directions were good... Perfect then we were off.. he said to wait stand back because he had a something for me, my rose (which is in the freezer right now), I wanted to put it in a vase and he then drove up to the door to get me. We were off going to Manhattan to Carlos O Kelleys for quesadillas and chicken strips, guacamole, strawberry margeritas, his friends knocked the sign over out in the mall, and were making faces through the windows. I know it was Mike and Marc Cerri, they were sweet and totally wanted him to bring me to their place on 1st street for their house party. I said yes, he said nooooo this is our time, this is our very first date and I see them everyday. They were throwing his beanie across the room he was so cute and I was comfortable. He said I knew you'd be cool.. later in his jeep. We finished up and he took all of our leftovers in his box and said I never waste food I smiled and yeah.. We were off coming back to town to get my jeep so I could show him the lake and then we could go to the club and I could drive... We came in to freshen up before getting in my jeep and that is when I was standing here by the curio cabinet just talking and he moves towards me and I heard him say oh as he grabbed me and kissed me. I remember his hands on my face kissing me and I put my arms up around him and it was sooo sweet and perfect. So we left I was jittery Im sure and nervous about driving and who knows what I said but I wasnt nervous at all. I do remember that, we were going down the forest to the lake and I was joking about bigfoot running out of the woods hey everybody he was laughing we were just having fun, just being together having a good time and silly, being myself. There was no one there at 49 and the full moon was shining on the water and I remember saying well its not the ocean but isn't it beautiful? He says come here and he kissed me for real. I remember how it felt to have his arms around me, warm summer night and leaning our seats back to look at the stars and him leaning over me and the weight of his chest on me kissing me so sweet. It felt like heaven and we were good together. He says do you want to get in the back - no... that stupid cd column was in the way and I know thats what threw his back out haha. We were just making out for a long time and he didnt do anything pushy, just checking out the girls and whispered oh those are nice...nothing was happening youre either going to go for it or not and we werent not right there but it was soo sweet and I kissed him teasing him all sweet like I do. We went to the club and he paid my way in and that was ok, we were just checking each other out at the bar. I will always claim that second and third side seats closest to the door. I stood close to him when he got back from the restroom and he looks at me and says what? I started to laugh and put his arms around my waist and he kissed me long and perfect right there in front of the whole world. So we were going to go to my house and watch a movie yeah haha I dont even have a couch lol. Its 6:11 we're in real time now. Got in the door, locked the door, and it was on. On the floor, making out like two banshees shirts off he was so beautiful, nice chest huge shoulders, not a cut chest but his bigness was soo sexy and little peach fuzz nice and neat and clean. I loved his body like I have never felt before being with anyone. He was just so little boyish charming and a little vulnerable and sex drive was unstoppable. Just the mix of it all was irresistable to me and as much as I tried to say no, all the things he said, I wanted him to spend the night with me and just be close to me, he promised he wouldnt do anything that I didnt ask him to. He kept his word. And in my bed after a long night of everything just perfect he kissed me the way a woman wants to be kissed, tender, vulnerable, scared, honest, surrendering, the right way and those words came out in a whisper,, i want you.. are you sure... yes, baby...and almost frantic wanting each other so bad, finally it happened and he delivered. Omg, I loved every second of it. I loved every moment, every touch, every kiss, every whisper, all the wild yelling this is yours thats mine girl, he was wild the wildest thing I have ever seen in my life. And then he hugged me in my sleep and slept with his arm and his knee around me all night. On both sides. We woke up and made love again and he left. But not before setting up yahoo messenger for me on my computer. I love him. forever


(Ten Reasons he's got to go [plus #11])from July... going nuts...

# 11 And then the big reason.. men have to have sex. It's like breathing. Women expect men to have lots of safe sex because dream man if I have saved myself for only you- you better be able to send me around the world in 30 minutes baby... He has no need for me. He doesnt miss me, he doesnt need to see me, he can take me or leave me apparently. I almost feel nautious when I think of him in bed with another woman. No relationships have happened, I can see that, nothing meaningful, I can see that too.. but is it possible that he has gone almost ten months without sex just like I have missing him every minute. NO. Its not possible. The thought of him kissing another girl, getting her alone, undressing her, having sex with her and doing things that we didnt get to do.. I just cant bear the thought of it. Hes given away what Im dreaming about for all these months. Im guillible but im not stupid. I know that if the opportunity came he would take it in a second. And that is insulting. It's too much for me. It makes me feel like every date went just like ours did. It makes me feel small and cheap and there is no way I could have a one night stand with some man and not cry from the bottom of my heart afterwards because I wanted it to be Steve. That's why hes got to go. Because if I cant be number one then fuck you. Im not going to be anything but number one. Period. Ever. For Anyone. For any reason. Ever.

1. His behavior shows me that drinking is the most important thing in his life. This relationship has been so tumultuous longing, waiting, aching, and then it all exploded in a huge wave of love and sparkes on Sept 17th, 2005. Every other day before and after has been literally a living hell. I love you Steve from the trust part of my heart I do but you, your friends, your drinking, your wandering eye, your slutty friends, you all drive me fucking nuts and I do not need this. I will be embarassed later on to explain to a man that the reason I am still single is because I was so hung up on a guy who never even took me on date #2. I dont need this self created drama. I need to feel wonderful about myself and feel on top of the world and go find a normal guy to love me, worship me, completely adore me, and keep this tucked in my heart forever. My italian soldier. That man drives me fuckin nuts.

2. He knows how I feel and he knows how hurt I was that I have never seen him again since our first date. He knows where I live, knows where I work, knows my phone number and has made no attempt to see me.

3. Pride sheltered me from the reality that Im not his dream come true. He would not stay away from me if he had real feelings for me. Drinking was the deal before we met, Drinking was his escape after because he would rather do anything than make me cry or outright reject me. If he was sexually attracted to me, if he wanted a relationship with me he would be here. 280 nights have passed since our date and I have not seen him nor has he asked me when can I see you. He has never seen the real me. That's my only salvation that keeps me from feeling totally rejected is that I am certain that under this weight I am absolutely beautiful inside and out. I want someone I can be proud of so how can it be wrong for a man to want the same thing.

4. Ignoring me on my birthday and going into the field and not telling me goodbye hurt my feelings so bad, it was belittling and made me feel like I was nothing. When people treat me like I am nothing it's very easy to believe it when a person is overweight and unhealthy.

5. There is every chance he is going to leave for Iraq and not say goodbye to me or hug me nothing. Based on his actions so far I think it is 100% chance. I guess thats good because I dont want to wait and end up with nothing and go through all this torture again.

6. Im embarassed of the way I have behaved too a little bit. Just loving someone out of fear that no one else will come along. Tolerating bs out of fear. When we left this house I thought I had met the love of my life and we were together and he would be back the next weekend and the start of something so wonderful. He said all those things to me, and that is what I based it all on. You know you're alright, Tonight is just you and me, this is our very first date, we can see them later on, you are very very pretty, maybe your kids will be in school and I'll take you back east with me, from now on it's just going to be you and me, im done with dating f it, in my kitchen feeling bad about his date in July from tonight forward it's just you and me, it doesnt matter if we get close now or later you're gonna be my girl.. I could just cry because I was like a lamb to a slaughter. I just kept thinking that If I could just see him all his senses would come back and like we never had any distance at all. I dont believe he was lying to me for sex. I just dont. He hugged me and slept all snuggly next to me and I was so happy and then he just took it all away and I dont understand and im so hurt. I feel like he blew out the flicker of light that I had left. That's the good part. That is what kept me hanging on all this time is just little girt trust and hope. Thats all. And he said those things to me, my reaction was based on what he said and then he didnt honor any of it like a cad. He is why girls are afraid to trust guys. And would I do that night all over again. A million times yes so dont blame him entirely. I knew this was a drunk man talking needing love and affection just as much as I did that night. I wouldnt undo that night for ten million dollars no matter what. For one night in my life I was ravaged, loved and adored. That is not wrong. I just didnt want it to end.

7. He looked at other girls when we were in Carlos O Kelleys. His friends were watching me watch him watch those girls sitting at the other table.

8. He drank like a fish in front of me. At the club he drank every last drop of everything.


9. That bartender was acting so weird I think they had something going on. It was really awkward and obvious. And then I stood up to just stand close to him so he could put his arms around my waist and he looks at me and says what? I played it off and thought dude youre fucking crazy. Then he kissed me for real right there. Yum and it was good. That's my lucky barstool from now on.

10. I cant love someone who isnt available. Who isnt willing to be around. Its not love if youre in it all by yourself. He has connection problems. He is so sensitive and emotional too and he dulls everything by drinking. I think there is some truth to not getting involved before going to a war. It saves him from being stressed and worried, it saves me from being obligated to love someone who is seriously injured. I know that is harsh, but there is an advantage to me as well. My problem is that I really truly honestly despite all his faults, love him. And its killing me inside to feel so much and no where for it to go. I also know that his reason is an out for him and rejecting me without really rejecting me. I dont know what to say. I could say hello right now because hes online, he would just say lol, brb, how are you, hug, kiss, and then I feel emptier than I did before. I want someone to love for real. Im so lonely and needing physical connection and trust in my life I can hardly breathe. I cant see him not saying anything to me for too long but what is the point. If he is going to actually leave and not hug me, Im going to let him live with that.

Im not contacting him, not pushing, not suggesting he see me, not doing shit. If we ever meet again it would be on his desire. If we ever talk again it will be on his desire. I feel totally hurt, he knows how much I care and he can just go right ahead and be a dickhead to me now. Im moving on with my life. I know I did everything I could think of to win his heart and he would not give an inch. I did all I could, I tried and I can live with that. Its good and right to let him go. I need to feel wonderful about myself and take good care of myself and be my all time best and know that i am an absolute knockout and then I would never put up with a fraction of this mess. Im just as wrong for taking the bs as he is for dishing it out.

I love you, I will always love you heart and soul, but I have had enough and I have to think of myself and get some relief and happiness and love in my life. Im doing this for me, for myself, because I believe in my heart that I absolutely deserve better than this. I sure do.

It's for real

He's leaving this weekend I guess. Everyone seems to know the details but me and that fucking pisses me off to no end. I think he knows that if I knew a date I would beg him like a baby to come here and I guess I probably honestly would. Today is 1 year since our date and doesnt it just figure that he's leaving now. I can't say goodbye, not at all I just put him as my first friend and got the hell off of there. I cant say the words. I don't know what Im going to do my chest is in shreads and I cant tell him, I cant tell anyone because the look at me like im a fucking retard. How can you love someone who did all that and then turned around and walked off. I'll almost feel happy when he's gone so I dont have to feel rejected every minute of the day im awake. I dont even know if it is rejection, I dont have a clue. Im just fucking pissed and hurt and so scared and twisted up inside I could scream until my throat blew up. I called him last Thursday and he never called me back just visited online. Im afraid to hope he will call me on his way out of here. Im afraid to hope for anything. I wanted to marry this guy and I wanted him more than anyone in my life. I can't believe this is it forever. We're not going to be the same people anymore when he does get back here. It wont ever be the same and my pain is so raw right now I dont even know what to do. I know I havent seen him in a year as of today, this year has been miserable and he knew it and did nothing at all. And when I drifted too far away to save myself he reaches out and ropes me back in. I just cant wait for a year and have nothing and no one and then when he does get back we can start all over with his constant drinking and ignoring me. This is retarded and no im not in the game anymore. Even if he does make it back perfectly fine which I will always hope he does, he's not coming back to me. Its time to let go and move on. This is goodbye forever to Steve my future, I know I need to look off in another direction for that. It's just if something happens to him and he never hugged me goodbye I dont know how I could get through that. I hate him for doing this to me. Im so crushed right now bawling I cant hardly breathe. I dont know why he did this to me or why. I dont understand what is the harm in just not leaving me here like a total motherfucker. I'd like to take his combat boot and throw it at his fucking head.

Wicked Game

Well it's almost been 10 months since I have seen his face. Exactly 9 months and 20 days tonight since I saw him which was the first and only time ever being face to face. How can a guy say all those things and then just turn away. Going to Iraq.. Something tells me that this is just a minor part in it and that he just isnt into me at all. We dont really talk at all anymore, in fact the middle part of June 20th he put a flower on my page late at night for a prayer I sent out in a message... I have never been so blue in my life over anyone. I know this is wrong to torment myself over a love lost, and I have irritated him to death with my carrying on I think so I just dont say much anymore. Its wrong to give such control over your happiness over to another person. Im just too old for this now, at 37 I dont have time to play around and I need more than he will give me. He is intelligent and sweet, everything I ever wanted and seeing my brother drink non stop for a week and he is still 100% sucessful and just being a guy.. Its not like Steve is some fall down drunk, he just didnt want me I guess and Im devistated. There is just this space in my chest that no one is going to fill up again because I close my eyes and I see him sitting there across from me driving through Manhattan saying this is our very first date and you know youre alright, and kissing me and the moon shining on him through the window. I thought that this was it and you know those jitters you get when you meet someone that you really like and hey all that waiting was for this and I was right to wait because he's so worth it...Im so sad inside I dont know what to do with myself sometimes. I cant believe that all this time went by. That was before midnight- after midnight the chase was over so it's just as much my fault. I cant blame him entirely, I know how the chase works and I gave in to a guy being a guy. Im just as much to blame. I turned myself from future to someone in his past on our first date and Its just as much my fault. I just wanted to kiss him one more time and make a memory- a real one. We'll see. I just wish I had gone with the food mover and been able to get a grip so I would be 40pounds less now instead of the opposite. I want to tell him goodbye for Iraq but who knows if that is even on his mind... I wanted to be his wife not his bootie call so Im not sure if that is even a good idea anyway. I do feel better knowing that he had no intention of letting anyone be his wife so its not all me. Maybe he was afraid of his own feelings anyway and felt safer backing off. Maybe I will never know. I just know I really fell hard for Mr B and I wish more than anything for one more night with the man I believe he is.

Turned over a new leaf

Steve thank you for saying that so I know that it wasnt that I did something wrong. I have so much that I want to accomplish this year and I want to jump into it being positive and happy. It felt better getting my feelings out but then it bothers me when I say ugly things and dont act like a lady because thats not my way and attacking you wasn't what I meant to do. Its just been confusing and all that. I really sincerely need to be doing my own thing for awhile and get more grounded and focused. It must be frustrating to you too after all that training and hot horrible month in August and being in the field all those times to just not go at all. I was happy, I am happy that you don't have to, but at least you knew what to expect because you were there before. Now you could get assigned to anything and just the uncertainty of it all. That's probably alot to sort through and get comfortable with after preparing for war all that time. You know if you need to talk im right here but im focusing 800% on getting really healthy and strong this year especially. I have the anniversary from hell in Oct so that's propelled me into gear in the biggest way of my whole life and im excited & this is gonna be so wonderful.

Ok! Be good & chat later xo nicole
happy new year

so how was your new years? i was passed out by 11pm thanks to jagger

So what does that mean? Im done with him and the reason is that Im out of hope. I did everything I could think of to make him want me and love me and he wouldn't take the bait. Im not into disfunctional relationships and I have ended every one that didn't work for me. It's just that we never got that far. I was there feeling like what is wrong with you that you don't love me because I have everything going for me, im someone who could actually make you happy and have a great life with. If im not your angel then I should be. As this ends and I come back to earth from all the reacting- im more comfortable with what's wrong with you than what did I do wrong.

This isn't a joke. Im 36 and I want a husband and a happy home and stablity and a best friend. The man I dream about worships the ground I walk on, he would never hurt me or neglect me. If he did, I would let him go and move on. Life is for being happy and not wasted away on people who don't appreciate you. I need a man to see my heart, to love my heart and what im all about. To cherish me and think im the greatest catch in this world. Because I am. I think he's stupid.

Rather than having something real, a real woman to touch and love and confide in and trust and support him and take care of him. He would rather get drunk, live with a bunch of guys like in a frat house, surf the internet for porn girls and women he will never meet. That's stupid and a waste of time. Why is it my job to convince him what's good for him. If he won't see me for what I really am, I can't make him. And what made me put so much stock in someone who drinks so much. It impairs his whole life. Why did I see only what I wanted and not what was real. I love his heighth, his body, his kiss, his eyes, his ears and devil chin, I love his hands and the way he leaned over and kissed me, the way he was a total male and not holding back, I felt like a hot woman, I felt beautiful, He's smart and well mannered and very boyish and immature at times, very sweet and sensitive, he was everything I ever wanted at first glance.

On the other hand, he hardly talks about his feelings, he hides his emotions and I found myself interpreting and analyzing everything, he wouldn't be rude or mean ever and so I took that as a sincere interest in me, he drinks and blacks out, he ignored my son on messenger, he ignored me many times and things that I went out on a limb for he said nothing. That made me feel rejected. He's never been married, he has not had a girlfriend since who knows when, he said he has dated since last Oct but nothing serious... so he does not value a one on one monogamous relationship at all. I know that im the closest he's been to anyone in a very long time but he's not into it. He was relieved to get away and he's relieved now that I stood up and said cut the ties.

Im not into casual dating. I picked someone I thought was a perfect match and we are on alot of levels. He's good on the inside and poor or different judgement on some things. I want to be in love, I want to know that there is someone waiting for me and can't wait until I get there. I miss my husband, I wish we could have been more compatable on the big issues. The good times were so good and the bad times were horrible. I miss having someone there when the day is all done. I miss having and being somebodys baby.

I looked on his page today and now im not the number one friend. He might as well delete me then because i don't do number 2. Period. That did it because what has to happen to get me back in his heart. Was I ever there anyway. I feel like I love too much I made him so comfortable and confident by my reassurances and then he takes his huge ego and goes and loves someone else. That's my jealous streak and that's not true. I want to love someone and I want to tell them all the special things, I wouldn't do it any other way. I will do this all over again with someone new and there is no reason why it can't work out for me. Im a sweet girl, im a sexy beast, smart, cool, beautiful and i can bring it. When he sees me he'll be sorry and feel like a freak. Unless he's too drunk to notice me which is 98% likely.

Is this really worth any more of my time? No. Not as a love interest. It's just done and it's too late now.

12/7 Thurs night nicolem872000: well now I have some privacy so I can tell you what I dreamed. what if you heard a noise in the middle of the night and opened your eyes and there I was mmmm all warm and soft and wanting you. You said comehere baby and made a place for me under your covers next to you. I was kissing you all over and it was so tingly and real and good it was the sweetest dream and what if I said we got down and dirty baby. I like that. And then when I did wake up it was like oh... sigh I was just dreaming... see what you do to me!

Who ever loved him like I did? Idiot.

Im Moving On..

You know what. Im gonna get this out today and get it over with now instead of next week or next month because I can't stand this one more minute. I am so angry with you and with me for this whole thing. Are you saying that you were so drunk that you dont remember what you said to me? In my kitchen and wherever else, I can't believe that. Yes people say things thinking from their hearts first and I know you never meant for either one of us to be hurt at all. I know that and you could have just never talked to me again the very next day if thats all it meant to you. I resent just being left alone to figure out that you didn't mean it when you said it was just going to be me and you from now on. I wanted it to be me and you and im sorry if I fell in love a little bit but how could I not because me and you are like two peas in a pod and that was the sweetest date night I ever had too. After all that time waiting and then boom there you were for real and did not disappoint at all. You are so handsome and sweet and ornery but good on the inside and a little bit vulnerable too and that is completely irresistable to me. Just the way it felt to kiss you and me together and how strong but soft and yummi your body is, it was perfect and I was just lost. Im so mad because I was all messed up because of those stupid shots I took and I didn't even get to show you what I really like. I dreamed all summer about you and what I was going to do when I finally got ahold of you and then when it was for real I didn't get to. And now it's like its too late. I dont need some date to say goodbye that would be like an ax right back in my heart. It's just done and im hurt and its like now that youre not leaving theres nothing to do but ignore me. That pisses me off, im trying to be positive but im really mad and its because youre mister easygoing dont give ashit shell get over it.. but i wont because theres no one like you. I maybe not be what you are looking for but you are everything i ever wished for. If I could ask god to make me someone to love he would be exactly like you. And now im so freaking mad at you it doesn't matter because its too late. You and your african boney nose hoochie coochies. Happy fuckin new year

ok sorry

all this time i thought i was going back to iraq and i didnt want to get involved with anyone and now that im not going i dont know what i want

I decided last night that I have had enough. Every holiday this year was spent alone- except for valentines day because we met in March. I watched must love dogs last night for NYE and I am totally normal just like her. I don't want to be miss sophisticated dating 5 people at once. I want someone who is going to be around, someone who wants a relationship, saturday nights and sleep late sunday morning and make breakfast. I want something special and someone who wants the same. Not roping in a confirmed bachelor and hoping he'll stay. This is pointless and a waste of my time. I put on 30 pounds comforting myself devistated and confused. I ate my way through lonliness and that's my fault but who would do that to someone they cared about. I played along in this game all along. I would have done anything in this world for him, and what has he done for me? Nothing. All these wives with their husbands overseas wishing they could be together for christmas and nye, he's 5 minutes away from me and nothing. I feel insulted and humiliated for being so gullible and blind. Im too old to be waiting around for someone who can't make up their mind- after a year Steve don't you have a clue? For me to be so bereft that I lower myself and say cuss words and not be a lady.. I don't feel the same now. At all. I don't want this man, I was wrong and he is not what I need in my life. He makes me question my own value and thats not a person I would ever want around. Its too late and now its just over. He's free to go.

Hot or Not?

Oh hell I don't know. Not. What is confusing is that he was vulnerable. And he said in his profile on the sexy page that being honest is the quality he looks for most. Im everything he ever wanted and he can't go for it. Im finished with this and I truly don't feel the same. I shared a special dream I had with him and he has ignored me ever since. Not a word and that hurts my feelings. I have never in my life been treated this way and just check out like that. If that is going too far then he needs more help than I ever imagined. Im not a nun and to reject me like that is so hurtful. I learned in the 4 agreements not to take things personally, he may just be tired of holding me off knowing he doesn't want a serious relationship. But why, why not take a chance. Why does he see love as something negative and a loss instead of freedom? Why not just test the waters and see that it can be a good thing. Im sad for him because something is clearly wrong when a person deliberately would rather be single. He's soft hearted and I know he never meant to hurt me at all. I know that but I fell in love and now he doesn't know what to do except close down. I know he's drinking non stop and partying. Who would want a lifetime of one night stands and empty animal sex. Maybe now and then, but being in love is so much better. I don't have forever and Im going to leave him behind.

I have thought about sending a message but I just can't make myself do it. His behavior is rude and I am so above that.. I have no place for that treatment in my life at all. I won't take that from anyone.

And then my brother yesterday--opening up those accounts for all the kids. It hurts me to say this but he has nothing material to offer me. He doesn't ask about my kids, he has no interest in being a couple at all and our date once we were alone was all about sex. I loved it and I was just as much into it as him so no regrets. I loved kissing him, I loved every little wink on his body, I loved every minute, every touch, everything was so good. And could have been really awesome if my body wasn't all goofed up over those depo shots. I didn't even get to do my magic and show him my special gifts and I didn't worry about it because I knew it wouldn't be our only night together. That's what im pissed off about because I love him and if your're gonna fuck me and leave me Steve, well then FUCK ME! Woohoo! Giggle!

And then I saw Bub today at the gas station and he said Billy was 80 miles outside of Wichita so he's home tonight. If I could go back in time I would have never let that man go. He was my special someone. He's married with 2 kids now so that's the end of that but we hugged and he was going to tell him hello - I didn't even say it he offered - he knows me. So life goes on. There are good guys out there who value marraige, value togetherness, good ole boys and that's where I belong. I wish more than anything that Steve could be my silver spring but it's not possible. I want the boring traditional plain old marraige and im a firecracker from heaven and make it fun and exciting. I want a man to love me, need me, require me and cherish me. Anything less is not worth the risk of marraige and divorcing if it doesn't work out. I have to have a man like that or I won't marry anyone. And im ready. So-- I do have hope and I do truly believe in love. Even with this sad disappointed little fat heart.