Got my heart stomped on a little today

July 25th was the Sunday - No it was Monday at 6pm so he must have sent a friend request on Sunday... after we met at the club and he stayed in all day and recovered. We emailed back and forth all day and I was just elated because we had talked on the phone the night before. I stumbled across a message he sent to a pretty girl in Italy today and it was nothing big, just your pictures are very nice--and he said hello and goodbye in italian. It hurt my feelings to know that I was off on some other planet so happy and excited and he was looking up other friends on the internet. He was a perfect gentleman and he even sent me this website that day to show me. It's just that he was sweet to someone besides me and I just got a lump in my throat and wanted to cry my feelings were crushed. And she's pretty, not some skanky sleez like the other ones she was gorgeous and I imagine he was awestruck. If that's what he likes I can't compete. I sent him all those pictures of me and he didn't say I was pretty. He didn't say anything except Nice on the header. I felt stupid and like I have been fooling my self all along- he won't think Im gorgeous and I realized that he's not mine at all. He's not thinking about me or dreaming about me, it's just attention. It was not a big deal but it really hurt. If he had said something filthy or beligerant I could laugh it off and be angry or hateful, but he was sugary sweet and it in italian being his charming self. He's never said caio bella to me- he didn't say it to her he said buon jiourno and ciao. I said bon jour to him and this is after I said wanna kiss you and sent him that loan approval. This is what I get.. I didn't like it and I wish he never sent me that stupid thing. I would have rather gone around with my head in the sand thinking Im the only one. If he knew this would have devistated me like this would he have sent me that website? No comments after that and nothing to anyone since my sweet letter. Im probably just green monster tripping but I have to be the only one. It''s so impossible for me to trust anyone and when I saw his picture there I was afraid to read his comment and I could just hear doors slamming in my head. I was devistated. And if he knew I was so upset like this he would run for sure... Im a girl and I don't want to compete with anyone, I want to be everything to him and im clearly not if he's checking out other girls for his collection. It made me feel small and insignificant and like nothing I have said really mattered. Im the only one in this romance and I just cried. I think that he has cooled off and Im upside down in love again. This is just going to be some huge disappointment and I can't handle it. I just can't get my hopes all up like this to come crashing down. Im not anything like her and he was smitten I guess. I just want to bawl this is just another let down except I have to wait for more than a year- summer 2007 I guess to get the big blow off. I can't handle another disappointment. I feel like sometimes just wanting to be loved is asking too much. Im always going to be alone and getting older the window for a sweet guy just closes more every day.

I have to stop this because he is driving me crazy. I am completely over the moon and he's not interested in something serious and that's all I can think about. I have to find someone else who wants to be with me and thinks Im wonderful. I am and what is happening? This whole thing has made me 90% lonely and miserable and 10% happy when he promises something that eventually never happens. I have to get out of this and let him go. I can't compete with all these internet hookers and I don't want to. I want a nice man who loves me and no one else and a happy home and life together- I have to see him to be together- imagine that concept- and a boat to be on the water together when the moon and stars are out. What am I doing? Why did I fall so hard for him? And when we get together suddenly Im not going to be attracted to him and want him so bad I can't breathe?? Yeah- and then deal with this shit when Im in love with him. No. I can't do it. I have to let this go.

I really didn't need to see that Steve. You have some great looking photos. He didn't say that to Me.