Million in one -GET REAL

The chance is one in a million that we are going to have a future together. I had to come to the reality that this is not what I thought it would be. I thought he was going to be with me- and the very next day when he didn't come see me I knew that something was wrong. The man is impulsive, talks from his heart, sweet as can be in person and hates confrontations. This would have gone on forever as long as I didn't put him on the spot. I can't be mad at him because I know he likes me and who knows maybe he is the greatest boyfriend in the world and totally attentive and committed to a girl when he wants to be. I truly dont know and I have no way of knowing.

Im just tired of getting my hopes up and dashed. Im depressed and undeniably downed and sunk over this. Its devistating to want someone so much and they just wont be what you want them to be and still be friends so they dont have to feel bad. I sure am nice and say so many compliments. But what really has this brought to my life. Just another guy that I talk about non stop that has no interest in me, meeting my family and kids, my kids are hurt that he hasn't come to meet them. Its become irritating and disappointing and he shows one little sign of attention and I think omg finally he is going to crash through and love me forever. Im just seeing the negative hurtful side because thats what I feel. IM tired of loving someone that doesnt love me. Hes leaving but how else can I feel except rejected. I hate the fact that Im feeling lonely and hurt all the time and all I wanted was him. Two times now in 9 years did I find someone that I really liked.

God this sob story sucks. The truth is what possiblity is there that he is going to come home from Iraq and suddenly smother me and love me and propose and make all this happen. Hes going to get out, go home, get a job and set up, go out and get together with all his friends, get somewhat established and on his way and settled in.. then hes going to send for me and well be together forever. No.. it will never happen. He'll meet some local girl and young and worship him and forget all about me. I will be 38 1/2 in fall of 2007 when he's back home and no man and not had sex but once in five and a half years. Yeah from Dec 2002 to Sept 2005 no love. How horrible is that 2 years and 8 months with no love. and im in my prime. This is my time and what am I doing loving someone who wont stand by me in a relationship. I have to let him go. I hope we can be friends, im not mad, I understand that he doesnt need this right now before leaving for a year tour but the chances of us having a happy ending are just not realistic. I want to have a nice night together in Dec and then let him go. Just be friends and no romantic ties at all. I need to be dating and having a social life and not depressed and crabby and bitchy everyday because im not receiving what im sending out. This is not what i need in my life. I need a man who will stand by me and love me and be a partner. I want Steve but its not going to happen. I could be wrong and maybe he will totally shock me and sweep me off my feet but Im not willing to take this chance and end up with less than nothing. I just can't do it. I need closure and I need to say goodbye and get on with my life. I love him with all my heart and I would do anything to make this work out but hes not right for me. No one said I have to hold him so high in my heart. I love Billy and no one would ever take his place. He never did anything but love me and I love him right now and he has no bearing on my feelings for Steve. I can keep him close in my heart and tucked away safe, but I need to be out looking for a partner and a love for myself and taking good care of myself and living my life. I know this is the right thing to do. It will be easier to be his friend and be supportive when hes in iraq if im not totally in love with him. The only way to do that is to say goodbye and start looking for a long term love somewhere else because this is not going to turn out the way I dreamed it would.

I need to make this happen when he gets back. I need to make a nice memory and nice dinner and fun night and say goodbye in my heart. He doesn't even need to know about it. I need closure and relief from this because it is killing me to see exactly what I want and need so badly and can't have it.

So lighten up, be cool, be safe to talk to and not so mushy and crazy over him and flat out flirt and shower him with complements, just back off and know that once it's done it's over. I only have so much time because after the first of the year i will be out of whack for 6 weeks while my body gets used to stopping this hideous shot. Its a month from now or not at all so I need to get it together. And I need to get back on Atkins for 30 days so I can be confident and pull this off.