HURT vs HAPPY
I just had to make up my mind how am I going to process this??
Im really mad because had I known that he had no intention of seeing me again I sure as hell wouldn't have put myself through so much torture. I cried like a baby wondering what was wrong with me and missing him at night because I thought -- no he told me we were going to be together. 3 times a week and more if he could get away. Why didn't he just tell me the truth instead of dangling me along letting me go on like that. He did it this summer too and said nothing when he went on a date with someone else stringing me along. Im mad because im mad at him. I wanted him to be special and something to believe in. It's not. I am brokenhearted - again- because I made him out to be some gift from god and he was just a guy rolling along with life playing the field. Im humiliated to be just another sock in his drawer and nothing special and lasting. No one ever made me feel unvalued like this. He didn't- we talk everyday when he was here and I know we're good friends but I wanted more. In my life right now I need a man. I needed him to be that for me. I needed someone to show me that I was a woman, desirable, special, dreamable, lovable. That is such a void in my life and has been for so long and I needed him to be that for me and here i am once again with nothing. I drove him up the wall with my emails and finally broke his shell and he cracked and said what he should have said 2 months ago. My confidence, self esteem, self image, all of it was devistated by this because I ended up with nothing and he told me to my face that we were a done deal. You cant get to know someone unless you spend time with them in person and I will never have that chance because he is totally comfortable hiding behind a computer. Who would rather chat and get drunk on line than be in the arms of a girl. Makes me think he's weird. Im tired of all of this and I would never want someone so unattached in my life permanently. I hate the fact that im making all these assumptions based on one date and 8 months of online friendship, but I can't put myself through this anymore. I wish I could take back all the things I said. I wish I could go back to March and not even go down this road because I ended up devistated with my hopes stabbed and killed dead. I resent being led on and I feel laughed at and like im amusing. Just keep her around because she makes me feel good but I get nothing out of this at all. Thats not fair. And he was relieved to get out of KS and no messages for me thats for sure. Not since last Saturday. Im hurt that he shows no interest in my kids, im hurt that he seemed to be the greatest boyfriend and attentive and everything I wished for and can turn cold as ice just like that, that scares me because ive been frozen off before, im hurt that he doesnt miss me or call me just to hear me, im hurt that we had such a sweet time and it really was the best date of my life too and then just like that he bricked himself off from me and why? im hurt that he said any and everything to get my guard down and then he turned his back on me. Feel like I was tossed aside like trash and hey how are you doing? IM not casual, I don't think he has any clue that this was so hurtful to me. I dont think it was his intention to hurt me at all. But I am hurt. And I turned on myself and now I weigh 12+ pounds more just eating to comfort myself. Thats us I eat to feel better and he drinks to feel nothing. Together we'd be a fat drunk nightmare so I just have to laugh. I know this is not right for me. I just wanted to have a little love affair together with the one guy that I really love, just something sweet to tuck away in my heart forever. I didn't want to marry him, I just wanted to love him before he went off to Iraq. I wanted to be the one that he missed and dreamed about. The one that kept him going and spirits high. Im not going to get that chance and it really hurts. Who knows what he does. He could be having sex with anyone and not thinking about me at all. I cant even say goodbye to him the way I wanted to because who knows what he has been up to. Im angry because we didnt get to share everything that I wanted to anyway because my body was all goofed up and the thought of him being with someone else and doing things that he didnt get to do to me makes me cringe. If he wanted to totally get rid of me forever, let me find out about him bagging some girl while I cheered him on and luuuved him to pieces. That would do it. That would creep me out so bad I wouldn't even be mad, I would be disgusted. Like sex is meaningless workout for a monkey in the jungle. Please let me be so so so wrong about him. Please do something to change my doubtful and fearing mind. Please don't be what my 6th sense tells me you really are. Please make me be totally wrong. Why can't I just let go? I didn't hang on like this with my own husband? He keeps me at arms length it seems just to have around for an ego fix, but far away enough to not be obligated to me in any way. No phone, no weekends, no dates, no sweet hello's, no flowers, no poems, no miss you, no massage my shoulders, let me kiss your worries away, absolutely nothing that is meaningful and good for me. Nothing. Hurt doesn't even describe how I feel. He was everything I waited for and hes not going to be what I needed him to be. Devistated. And I told him if I saw him and girls were all over him and why wouldnt they be- I would be destroyed. Thats when I knew it was time to back off and walk the other way. I need someone real in my life, someone who will love me and I have to stop and love me and turn this all around first. Turning it around means getting him out of my heart so that I can love someone back when my chance comes again. I tried everything I could think of to turn his affection to me and he rather got drunk everynight and left me here cold. All I can do is turn away and walk. Save myself before I end up hating him and saying ugly cold things. Its time to let go and just walk away with no romantic hopes at all. Thats all I can do.
Im really mad because had I known that he had no intention of seeing me again I sure as hell wouldn't have put myself through so much torture. I cried like a baby wondering what was wrong with me and missing him at night because I thought -- no he told me we were going to be together. 3 times a week and more if he could get away. Why didn't he just tell me the truth instead of dangling me along letting me go on like that. He did it this summer too and said nothing when he went on a date with someone else stringing me along. Im mad because im mad at him. I wanted him to be special and something to believe in. It's not. I am brokenhearted - again- because I made him out to be some gift from god and he was just a guy rolling along with life playing the field. Im humiliated to be just another sock in his drawer and nothing special and lasting. No one ever made me feel unvalued like this. He didn't- we talk everyday when he was here and I know we're good friends but I wanted more. In my life right now I need a man. I needed him to be that for me. I needed someone to show me that I was a woman, desirable, special, dreamable, lovable. That is such a void in my life and has been for so long and I needed him to be that for me and here i am once again with nothing. I drove him up the wall with my emails and finally broke his shell and he cracked and said what he should have said 2 months ago. My confidence, self esteem, self image, all of it was devistated by this because I ended up with nothing and he told me to my face that we were a done deal. You cant get to know someone unless you spend time with them in person and I will never have that chance because he is totally comfortable hiding behind a computer. Who would rather chat and get drunk on line than be in the arms of a girl. Makes me think he's weird. Im tired of all of this and I would never want someone so unattached in my life permanently. I hate the fact that im making all these assumptions based on one date and 8 months of online friendship, but I can't put myself through this anymore. I wish I could take back all the things I said. I wish I could go back to March and not even go down this road because I ended up devistated with my hopes stabbed and killed dead. I resent being led on and I feel laughed at and like im amusing. Just keep her around because she makes me feel good but I get nothing out of this at all. Thats not fair. And he was relieved to get out of KS and no messages for me thats for sure. Not since last Saturday. Im hurt that he shows no interest in my kids, im hurt that he seemed to be the greatest boyfriend and attentive and everything I wished for and can turn cold as ice just like that, that scares me because ive been frozen off before, im hurt that he doesnt miss me or call me just to hear me, im hurt that we had such a sweet time and it really was the best date of my life too and then just like that he bricked himself off from me and why? im hurt that he said any and everything to get my guard down and then he turned his back on me. Feel like I was tossed aside like trash and hey how are you doing? IM not casual, I don't think he has any clue that this was so hurtful to me. I dont think it was his intention to hurt me at all. But I am hurt. And I turned on myself and now I weigh 12+ pounds more just eating to comfort myself. Thats us I eat to feel better and he drinks to feel nothing. Together we'd be a fat drunk nightmare so I just have to laugh. I know this is not right for me. I just wanted to have a little love affair together with the one guy that I really love, just something sweet to tuck away in my heart forever. I didn't want to marry him, I just wanted to love him before he went off to Iraq. I wanted to be the one that he missed and dreamed about. The one that kept him going and spirits high. Im not going to get that chance and it really hurts. Who knows what he does. He could be having sex with anyone and not thinking about me at all. I cant even say goodbye to him the way I wanted to because who knows what he has been up to. Im angry because we didnt get to share everything that I wanted to anyway because my body was all goofed up and the thought of him being with someone else and doing things that he didnt get to do to me makes me cringe. If he wanted to totally get rid of me forever, let me find out about him bagging some girl while I cheered him on and luuuved him to pieces. That would do it. That would creep me out so bad I wouldn't even be mad, I would be disgusted. Like sex is meaningless workout for a monkey in the jungle. Please let me be so so so wrong about him. Please do something to change my doubtful and fearing mind. Please don't be what my 6th sense tells me you really are. Please make me be totally wrong. Why can't I just let go? I didn't hang on like this with my own husband? He keeps me at arms length it seems just to have around for an ego fix, but far away enough to not be obligated to me in any way. No phone, no weekends, no dates, no sweet hello's, no flowers, no poems, no miss you, no massage my shoulders, let me kiss your worries away, absolutely nothing that is meaningful and good for me. Nothing. Hurt doesn't even describe how I feel. He was everything I waited for and hes not going to be what I needed him to be. Devistated. And I told him if I saw him and girls were all over him and why wouldnt they be- I would be destroyed. Thats when I knew it was time to back off and walk the other way. I need someone real in my life, someone who will love me and I have to stop and love me and turn this all around first. Turning it around means getting him out of my heart so that I can love someone back when my chance comes again. I tried everything I could think of to turn his affection to me and he rather got drunk everynight and left me here cold. All I can do is turn away and walk. Save myself before I end up hating him and saying ugly cold things. Its time to let go and just walk away with no romantic hopes at all. Thats all I can do.
posted by Nikki at 10:42 AM
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