Everything seems different now

He should be back next weekend and it's Labor day the last weekend of summer love. It's been a relief with him gone because I just felt lonely and sad without feeling slighted too. I just feel like I can't do this anymore and our vibe is going to be really detached and no more love letters at all. I can't get my hopes up so high and come crashing down. He doesn't talk about his feelings at all and once in awhile he'll slip up and I can see how much he likes me. I don't want an internet friend, I want something real, I wanted him here with me and Im just really heartbroken. I see this fizzling away now because Im not going to put my heart out there to be ignored anymore. I feel like Im watching my dream and chance of happiness just float away and if I run after it I will be desperate and he has to come get me. What kind of relationship lasts where the woman holds everything together and the man makes no effort at all. I seem to have gotten my grip back this month and maybe I should just accept the fact that Im never going to have any love in my life. Marty that jackass was my love story and now Im just going to be lonely and all by myself until IM dead. All I know is I would have dropped anything, cancelled any plans, done anything to just meet him and do something fun together, now Im so paraniod and afraid of being rejected that I really don't want to. All it's going to be now is lust between us and I wanted to fall in love and be together forever. I thought I found everything and it turned out to be one tear and lonely night after another and summer is over, we missed our time and if I mattered to him he would have been here months ago. Im just devistated and there isn't going to be a part two of that story. If I don't feed the flame it will go out .. Im certain of it, and I can't do what I was doing anymore. It hurts too much to want someone so bad and end up with nothing like I always do. Im too nice, Im too giving, I love people too much and this seems to be heading down the same road as Mike, settle for crumbs and waste all my time and in the end we won't be together anyway. I can't go through that again, I can't survive another disappointment at that level. I guess hoping for a love story of my own was too far out of the plan. And then I take all my frustration out on Jordy. He, of all people, is the one person who truly loves me more than anyone else in this world. He would be destroyed without me and I treat him like shit, like he can't do anything right, I am abusive to him verbally and I hate myself more everytime I finally shut the fuck up. Im tired of being in this world all by myself, I want someone to stand beside me and take the reins once in awhile, but I just don't see it happening. All I wanted was Steve and this can only hurt me now and I have to let him go. How can I be with someone else, that is the problem, because my heart only wants him. My head is saying let this go you are begging for problems if you dont. No matter who Im with in the future I will always wish it was him and that just hurts more than I knew. What was all this for? All I did was have faith in something that wasn't even real and now all I feel is disappointment.