here i go again

I dont know what to do. Im waiting for some sign and act silly and play it off, some sign that he wants me. Im feeling like hes being nice and doesnt want to hurt my feelings but he would rather not talk to me so much. I have never had to wonder if someone cares about me. I have never sat here wondering what is so wrong with me that he doesnt miss me or want to hold me. I feel completely turned inside out and exposed and hurt. He doesn't joke around with me anymore and this vibe is cold. He used to say sweet things and hugs and kisses and now this whole week it was like im talking to the trashman. It's because I told him that my weekend was horrible last weekend and i wanted him with me. No more lovey dovey bs after that he probably thought shes just waiting to get her claws into me and hog all my time. Not true I just want to know that he wants me and that im not wasting my time. My head says fuck him that stupid drunk retard but my heart says please dont drift so far away from me because you are my shining star and im in love and i dont want anyone else. I hate being here alone and he could be here with me right now and tomorrow night too and no such thing. I was making all sorts of excuses to myself for him all summer and he wasn't on the fence at all, he was hosing down other girls. Trust- no. That was one strike that will be hard to never surface.

But I did the worst thing possible - I comforted myself with food every day and ruined all my efforts for all summer in 1 week. I have nursed my little cracked heart and pride and confidence and ego with chocolate and sugar. I won't ever do that again. No matter what, I wont let my own self down and defeat myself like that. Im staying the course and Ill start over and take good care of myself. This shit is rediculous and the worst part is im guessing what he is feeling, he can't flip his feelings a total 360 in a week, and I feel horrible even thinking this way but I was happy when he was gone in august- he wasn't with anyone else- he was working 24-7 and i didn't have to feel rejected when the weekends came and we werent together. I feel horrible saying that i wont have to feel this rejected and lonely when he goes to iraq. It hurts to know that he's 5 miles away from me and could be here with his arms around me and make everything better - and he's not, again every night. I dont want to talk on the stupid computer, I want to be together while hes here. Im in my prime and hes the one I have waited for forever and I just want him here with me.