i cant believe this im so stupid
Why do I see what I want to see in people instead of the truth. Why am I in denial 99% of my waking moments. He's calling girls gorgeous all over that board and I was just shocked almost disbelieving what I saw. Tears running down my face reading this shit. We're not together, I shouldn't be so jealous but I have been waiting for 6 months for him to see me. Dreaming about him and holding my pillow tight imagining him there and for what? I can't believe I did it again. I just have to stop this. I have make myself not think of him as someone for me. I wanted him to love me and make this hell called my life better. Im back to nothing. And yeah we talk everyday and I just act like whatever. Do what you want because I am. I feel stupid and I wish I could take back every nice thing I ever said because it was for nothing - AGAIN. And Im 5 minutes away- he doesn't have to talk to some sleezebag on myspace. Im banging my head against the wall trying to make someone available to me who is clearly not available at all.
Just THINK. What am I going to say? Things aren't the same and I started to go back to the sweet stuff when I sent him that picture of me and him yesterday. Yeah he likes to be flattered but theres nothing in this for ME. That's it. I said everything I could say and all I wanted was him all this time and he just like Marty had time for everything but me. So now I don't think of him as a love interest. Or I won't after today. I am brokenhearted and everyone is going to say I told you to not put so much stock in someone who wouldn't give you the time of day. I can't believe this was all for nothing - 6 months out of my 36th year. And now I have to start all over from zero with someone new. My heart says I love him and my head says Im an idiot because hes drunk every weekend and then flirting with these whores and not hiding it very well or maybe that's my clue that he's not interested in anything real. I want something real. I am just destroyed seeing him flirt and say flattering things to other women. I felt like I could be sick reading that. Im a fool and I want someone who loves me and only me.
Just THINK. What am I going to say? Things aren't the same and I started to go back to the sweet stuff when I sent him that picture of me and him yesterday. Yeah he likes to be flattered but theres nothing in this for ME. That's it. I said everything I could say and all I wanted was him all this time and he just like Marty had time for everything but me. So now I don't think of him as a love interest. Or I won't after today. I am brokenhearted and everyone is going to say I told you to not put so much stock in someone who wouldn't give you the time of day. I can't believe this was all for nothing - 6 months out of my 36th year. And now I have to start all over from zero with someone new. My heart says I love him and my head says Im an idiot because hes drunk every weekend and then flirting with these whores and not hiding it very well or maybe that's my clue that he's not interested in anything real. I want something real. I am just destroyed seeing him flirt and say flattering things to other women. I felt like I could be sick reading that. Im a fool and I want someone who loves me and only me.
posted by Nikki at 9:15 PM
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