I hope he understands

I couldn't take anymore of the emotional explosion I have felt these last two weeks so I sent him a page of my journal which was heartfelt and just about what he means to me and I just said I need a little break just for me. I was losing it and crying over little things and this whole reality of me and him was just getting me down. This weekend im going to walk 6 miles, tan, go to the library, get my hair and nails done, back on my normal low carb life, just get myself together and normal because I was off my rocker and that is just no good. I have never been just inside out like that and Im not doing it, I had to put a stop to it because I was driving myself crazy. Cant focus at work, thinking about him 25 hours a day and just feeling rejected and wondering what did I do. Im not up for this at all and I truly just had to remove myself from it and get my head together. This weekend and next week is for me. I have so much sugar in my system right now that my eyesight is bad, I feel awful and sluggish, poofy and yucky. This is no good and I can't stand the way I feel when I have sugar. It's a candy carb od train wreck and Im not flipping out like this over anyone. I just wont do it. I understand the big picture and I know that I am going to be abandoned soon and I just can't deal with it today.

I know I have fallen hard for him, and I didn't mean to but he is so handsome and when I saw him walk up to my door and when he was standing on the sidewalk looking at the highway waiting for me I fell in love. He is my absolute dream come true and he has to leave for Iraq for a year and I dont want to get closer I dont want to get hurt but I couldnt keep my hands off of him. I cant say those words to him, I have a hard time with that anyway, but he knows how much he means to me and even after I said I need some space he still contacted me at work today to check up on me. He understands I know he does, but I cant go through my days falling apart like I was. I have to be stronger and healthy and not cave into comforting myself with bad things whether it be food, porn, the many unhealthy things I resort to sometimes just to hang on. I have to put me first and take good care of me. I have nothing to give when I am drained and feeling empty and tanked over.

I know I did the right thing and this weekend is for me and nothing else. And my baby went to his first high school dance tonight with his girrrrlfriend. Im anxious to hear all about it tomorrow when they get home.