The long goodbye

It's coming and I could barely breathe today. Im looking forward to this little break for the next 3 weekends I need time to myself and get to my goal by the end of the month. Too much pressure I know he is relieved to get away from here too and probably me as well because I say what I think and it's flattering sometimes and it's awkward sometimes.. Im a big girl now and my common sense tells me that there's a good chance that this is it. The day I have wished for imagining us together always may honestly never come. He won't want to start anything serious when he gets back here because he is leaving and not coming back. I have to look out for me. Keep my options open and date and be a single young woman. I have to take good care of myself and put me first. Ill feel guilty im sure having fun and being safe when he is off in this war, but he had every night to come to me and he didn't. I have to see that for what it is. He behaved exactly this way before he ever saw my face, so it's not personal. Its saving himself from drama and heartache. But hard as he tries, he can't do without me too long. It will be easier to talk when he is gone and that makes me sad. I won't feel so blue because he couldnt be with me if he wanted to. I will see to it that we have our goodbye night and I will talk a good talk and get him where I want him. I will have my closure and send him off with the sweetest thoughts of me and my kiss on his lips.

That's why he's stayed away because he's helpless around me. I didn't do anything or really come on to me and he was all over me and saying the sweetest things. He was sincere and that was his heart talking and that is precious to me. I will look so pretty he will flip out. Im looking more like me everyday. Its going to be fine. Maybe we can pick up when he gets home but I really doubt it. What I do see though is him going home and getting settled in and him flying me up there to see him. I can see him picking me up at the airport and im tan long gorgeous hair, long sexy legs, my baby blue bib shorts on and a white t with lots of skin and just the way he likes it. He would melt. And thats the normal me.

But that is a long long time away from now. He has to make it home from a war first. My poor sweet baby. I can't bug him anymore about oh god im so flippin broke down why cant i see you?? I can't do it anymore because he said for the first time that what he is most concerned with is getting home in one piece. So that's the end of my boo boo pleazzze come love on me!! When he's back hopefully the weekend of the 15th of Dec 16th after my concert I want to make the nicest dinner. IM off that day, I will spend the whole day getting beautiful and making something so yummy for him. That will be our night and that will be it. I want him to be having the time of his life and partying every night and being wild and living it up before they send them off on that plane. We get on the messenger and im hurt, thats my vibe because i wanted us to be for real before he left but it didn't happen. I don't want to be a downer, make him feel bad or awkward. I need to say goodbye and have my way and get this out of my heart and distance myself and back away. I need to get out of the loop and let him be a soldier. I need him to do that for me and then leave me be for awhile and get over this. I need that from him and Im certain I will convince him of the same. He can't be worried about me and whats going on here. He needs to be thinking only of himself and being safe and alert and conscious of everything around him and just self protect and get home. I need closure and a stopping point so I can be what I need to be for him too and that's just a good friend that he can count on but whos not in it for self serving reasons.. I know he will understand me. I would rather have him be alive and not with me than cloud his thoughts and cause something awful. I can't even think about that but the focus has to be on him now and he has no room for a boo boo baby girl back home. I know that and Im cool with it. Just need some love.