Diary of a mad woman- no a bad woman!

I know we had a bridge or an understanding yesterday, but I will never be satisfied being someones friend when I really love them. I need love in my life, I need connection and passion and hugs and tenderness. I can't wait and put my life on hold until Feb of 2007 and then he leaves and I am left with nothing but a broken heart. I can't gamble my future like that. My heart says wait and love him and be patient and see what happens. My head says I can't do it and I shouldn't do it because I don't have a promise, or an i love you please dont love anyone but me. I know how I feel about him, If he asked me to wait I would with no hesitation, but that is not going to happen. Im tired of being negative, Im tired of being down and crying at night time because I want him close to me. Its not fair to me or my kids, none of it to put all my eggs in this basket. I want him more than anything in this world, I would marry him tomorrow and I don't know if that is me just loving him because I can't have him or me loving him because of who he is and his character. It's a strong both. Im in love and he knows it and he is being cautious for me and for himself. He doesnt want me waiting for him expecting him to come back and marry me. So here's my plan. I just want to get this over with as soon as possible in Dec and say my goodbye. I want to have the most wonderful night and plan something special for him. Have our night and say our goodbye and I need closure and then I can be his friend. I want him to come to me and sweep my off my feet and love me forever. That's not going to happen. So I do need to smartly and non chilantly make my move. I need closure for myself and then be friends and do whatever. If he comes home and we pick up that will be great but my common sense says it will be more distant than this because he just wants to go home.

He's leaving on Friday for 3 weekends and that will be a big relief because he knows im hurting and he doesnt like being the one doing it. Im tired of all this drama. I feel like I have banged my head against the wall one time too many and im tired of it now. I just want to say goodbye and move on. I love him but ive done everything I can do. And he needs to worry about his safety and getting home staying alive and safe and not worried about me and whether im having a breakdown. We need to say goodbye and understand that this is it and let him go. I know what I have to do and we will both be better off because of it.

Better get my whip and chair out giggle and plan something so wonderful. It will be. How could it not be, it's me and steve. God heals the world two by two, there is nothing wrong with two people making love and I know this is the right thing to do.