What am I so afraid of?
I don't like being so serious and uptight all the time. Again tonight, nothing, not a word all day. I was smart and had a fun day and didn't worry about it. Im reading a book for the third time what smart women know. Im not in love, that is not realistic, im in an obsession because my needs are not being met at all but when I speak up he sends something reassuring and then its back to the same thing. Im being toyed with, played, manipulated, strung along. For the eleven hours of whatever happiness I felt, there have been months, nights, lonely weekends, misery and self doubt and drained confidence. I want something special in my life that I can count on, that is strong and stable. I want something real, and one minute he offers it and the next takes it away. No one ever said I have to play along with this. To ignore me again tonight and not even a hello, I think is so mean. I think he doesn't know what to do and is just wanting out because im not happy like this and he doesnt want to hear about it or have a relationship together before leaving for a year next month. Or Jan now supposedly.
When he walked out of this door, I had no idea that this was it. I thought we were a couple, that he would be around and go do fun things together. I was wrong. He can't be angry at me for having a reaction to that. My hopes went from heaven to hell and what does he expect? I want him to know that Im totally fine (because I will be) and let this go. No one is worth being so lonely about. We can be friends and thats cool because I know in my heart that Steve is not the guy for me. He's not my type at all and I thought he was. I don't see any future at all for us together and I realized that about two weeks ago. I was just so caught up in the disappointment part of it that I didn't even pay attention to his character. Hes a good guy and loving and sweet and very intelligent and charming. He is a dream. But the drinking, the flirting, the ladies man that I am not going to spend the next 20 yrs of my life trying to make him my man in haste, I can see the writing on the wall. I need someone who would cherish and love only me. Something here just doesn't add up and I would never want to be with someone who picked me because nothing better came along. I am beautiful on the inside and outside, good and strong and special. I know that and no one can shake that out of me. I don't want to be with someone who can't see the real me. He is blocked off for some reason and I don't understand it and I don't care anymore. I can't say that I wasted these 8 months of my life because I made a friend and I do value that. I just know that there is no romantic future here for me and I need to let him know that Im fine and tacitly let this go. Im so over this and Im so thankful he was himself and let me see the things that I question, that I know I could not deal with on a permanent basis, I don't want this instability in my life. I want a guy to hang out with and be boring and stable and normal and cook together and love together and spend our time together just being goofy and silly and having fun. Forever. I want something I can count on to be there, someone to cry to when the day is over, someone to protect me through the night, someone to receive love and tenderness and return it to me with no hesitation. I would never marry someone who made me feel like I have to earn or trick them into sharing their time. That is too selfish and inconsiderate, insensitive. I would never invite that into my life because I have been there before.
I feel like I just got my brain checked back into my head finally. Thinking with my heart only got me devistated. I knew when he was here that something was off. He has just as many emotional issues as I do but he won't talk or give an inch. I can't save someone or help someone who won't let me in. Im tired of waiting, tired of reasoning, tired of crying and feeling like what did I do wrong? Tired of telling him sweet things and playing along in this game. Tired of giving every thing I can and getting absolutely nothing in return. Tired. This is not for me and I have already cried it out. No one deserves to be treated this way especially me and why anyway? I'll always care and hope everything is going good for him. I'll pray for him when he goes away. If he someday marries and is a wonderful husband and is suddenly what I wanted him to be now I will be destroyed but that is a chance I will freely take. I can't make that mistake for a third time. I love people too much and dont protect myself. I thought that if I just showered him with affection and attention that he would need me in his life, that I would be essential, that he would ache for me and be what I needed him to be for me. It was true and I want to love someone like that. I dont want to hold back and play games and act like an evasive bitch so he will chase after me and some crazy on/off chase. This isn't high school, I want a love story, I want my true love, I wanted him but now I realize that I ignored the signs that were there all along. Im curious to know if he has ever been in a long term relationship. Im sensing that something is wrong and just curious to know why and how has he managed to stay single all this time? It doesn't matter I guess. Im not turning myself upside down for a man ever and this is where I stop and walk away. He is not the one I am looking for or need in my life. He's just not and im sad but I will go forward and love someone from my heart still. I deserve every good thing and I believe that down to my core. Im not even close to over yet and it's so wonderful to take good care of myself and walk and tan and eat healthy. I feel so good because every day is a sucess for me. Next year at this time I will be so totally different. Good days are coming and I do cherish my friend. I do love him i guess in a way but Im really certain that this is not a road I want to travel anymore.
He doesnt need some big notification or explanation. Just be friendly and aloof and nothing implying that we are romantic at all. Just friends. Move on. Go out. Talk about it. And Im busy.. If he asks me point blank what happened like I have so many times, tell him I tried everything and just realized that this was not for me...
When he walked out of this door, I had no idea that this was it. I thought we were a couple, that he would be around and go do fun things together. I was wrong. He can't be angry at me for having a reaction to that. My hopes went from heaven to hell and what does he expect? I want him to know that Im totally fine (because I will be) and let this go. No one is worth being so lonely about. We can be friends and thats cool because I know in my heart that Steve is not the guy for me. He's not my type at all and I thought he was. I don't see any future at all for us together and I realized that about two weeks ago. I was just so caught up in the disappointment part of it that I didn't even pay attention to his character. Hes a good guy and loving and sweet and very intelligent and charming. He is a dream. But the drinking, the flirting, the ladies man that I am not going to spend the next 20 yrs of my life trying to make him my man in haste, I can see the writing on the wall. I need someone who would cherish and love only me. Something here just doesn't add up and I would never want to be with someone who picked me because nothing better came along. I am beautiful on the inside and outside, good and strong and special. I know that and no one can shake that out of me. I don't want to be with someone who can't see the real me. He is blocked off for some reason and I don't understand it and I don't care anymore. I can't say that I wasted these 8 months of my life because I made a friend and I do value that. I just know that there is no romantic future here for me and I need to let him know that Im fine and tacitly let this go. Im so over this and Im so thankful he was himself and let me see the things that I question, that I know I could not deal with on a permanent basis, I don't want this instability in my life. I want a guy to hang out with and be boring and stable and normal and cook together and love together and spend our time together just being goofy and silly and having fun. Forever. I want something I can count on to be there, someone to cry to when the day is over, someone to protect me through the night, someone to receive love and tenderness and return it to me with no hesitation. I would never marry someone who made me feel like I have to earn or trick them into sharing their time. That is too selfish and inconsiderate, insensitive. I would never invite that into my life because I have been there before.
I feel like I just got my brain checked back into my head finally. Thinking with my heart only got me devistated. I knew when he was here that something was off. He has just as many emotional issues as I do but he won't talk or give an inch. I can't save someone or help someone who won't let me in. Im tired of waiting, tired of reasoning, tired of crying and feeling like what did I do wrong? Tired of telling him sweet things and playing along in this game. Tired of giving every thing I can and getting absolutely nothing in return. Tired. This is not for me and I have already cried it out. No one deserves to be treated this way especially me and why anyway? I'll always care and hope everything is going good for him. I'll pray for him when he goes away. If he someday marries and is a wonderful husband and is suddenly what I wanted him to be now I will be destroyed but that is a chance I will freely take. I can't make that mistake for a third time. I love people too much and dont protect myself. I thought that if I just showered him with affection and attention that he would need me in his life, that I would be essential, that he would ache for me and be what I needed him to be for me. It was true and I want to love someone like that. I dont want to hold back and play games and act like an evasive bitch so he will chase after me and some crazy on/off chase. This isn't high school, I want a love story, I want my true love, I wanted him but now I realize that I ignored the signs that were there all along. Im curious to know if he has ever been in a long term relationship. Im sensing that something is wrong and just curious to know why and how has he managed to stay single all this time? It doesn't matter I guess. Im not turning myself upside down for a man ever and this is where I stop and walk away. He is not the one I am looking for or need in my life. He's just not and im sad but I will go forward and love someone from my heart still. I deserve every good thing and I believe that down to my core. Im not even close to over yet and it's so wonderful to take good care of myself and walk and tan and eat healthy. I feel so good because every day is a sucess for me. Next year at this time I will be so totally different. Good days are coming and I do cherish my friend. I do love him i guess in a way but Im really certain that this is not a road I want to travel anymore.
He doesnt need some big notification or explanation. Just be friendly and aloof and nothing implying that we are romantic at all. Just friends. Move on. Go out. Talk about it. And Im busy.. If he asks me point blank what happened like I have so many times, tell him I tried everything and just realized that this was not for me...
posted by Nikki at 8:09 PM
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