It's all over now, there's not going to be an us..
I can't hang on anymore. He says to me yesterday regarding our meeting lets play it by ear.. what does that say except he's blowing me off now. When I read that yesterday I had to read it again I could not believe he said that to me after all this time. I was so choked up I couldn't think or breathe. Maybe he didn't mean it like that but this is how I interpret his actions now. What more can I do, I was honest and I told him not elaborately that I liked him and Im attracted to him and I want him. I did everything I could do, I offered him everything I am and now what do I do with all of this that I feel inside. I would rather not meet him now because if he rejected me I would be so devistated. I would rather be friends and meet him when he gets back. It's better for me that way too. It would be different if we met in April and had our summer together and were intimate and knew each other, but it didn't happen and I have to accept that. These months have been so lonely because I opened myself up to love and he never came for me which I don't understand.
I do understand his holding back after talking to my army neighbor yesterday. She made the light come on bright for me. He's a soldier and he doesn't know if he'll be alive in 6 months and he is alone and doing what he has to do and there is no doubt that he wants and cares for me, but this right now is about self preservation. She said I completely understand where he is- they hear stories about their girls back home cheating and cleaning out their bank accounts and it's hard enough to stay together in the military when you are married, and he can't be worried about me when he's over there trying to stay alive.
The things that we have said and shared are true. I know that I am important and special to him . I know that. I can't put my life on hold and be blue and crashed all the time like I am now. I offered him my love and my heart completely and he was receptive to me. If this were 15 months from now and he was coming back after the fact this would be so different and I know it. What can I do except let him go. No matter who I might be with, this torch won't go out. What I feel is real but this is not the time for me and steve. It's not and I had to accept that. All he can offer me is friendship right now and it hurts but I do understand. My heart is broken just knowing that we'll never kiss each other, we'll never have each other. I wanted that so much. I wanted to be close to him and love him and show him how I feel. Keeping that bottled up inside until forever just hurts. And I feel like no matter who I might be with I will always wish it was Steve. Tears are running down my face right now because I feel so much and now what do I do except play it off and hide it and just be friends. I don't want him to go off to a war and never have me. If something happened to him I would always regret not being together because this is where my heart is. I don't know how this will end or if it will. I don't know anything except this is all we can be for right now and it hurts and Im hurting and how could I not love him. Maybe he feels exactly the same way.
I do understand his holding back after talking to my army neighbor yesterday. She made the light come on bright for me. He's a soldier and he doesn't know if he'll be alive in 6 months and he is alone and doing what he has to do and there is no doubt that he wants and cares for me, but this right now is about self preservation. She said I completely understand where he is- they hear stories about their girls back home cheating and cleaning out their bank accounts and it's hard enough to stay together in the military when you are married, and he can't be worried about me when he's over there trying to stay alive.
The things that we have said and shared are true. I know that I am important and special to him . I know that. I can't put my life on hold and be blue and crashed all the time like I am now. I offered him my love and my heart completely and he was receptive to me. If this were 15 months from now and he was coming back after the fact this would be so different and I know it. What can I do except let him go. No matter who I might be with, this torch won't go out. What I feel is real but this is not the time for me and steve. It's not and I had to accept that. All he can offer me is friendship right now and it hurts but I do understand. My heart is broken just knowing that we'll never kiss each other, we'll never have each other. I wanted that so much. I wanted to be close to him and love him and show him how I feel. Keeping that bottled up inside until forever just hurts. And I feel like no matter who I might be with I will always wish it was Steve. Tears are running down my face right now because I feel so much and now what do I do except play it off and hide it and just be friends. I don't want him to go off to a war and never have me. If something happened to him I would always regret not being together because this is where my heart is. I don't know how this will end or if it will. I don't know anything except this is all we can be for right now and it hurts and Im hurting and how could I not love him. Maybe he feels exactly the same way.
posted by Nikki at 6:32 AM
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