THIS SITE IS ABOUT MY JOURNEY
Sometimes I believe that I have the lowest self esteem and no confidence in myself. I am 36 now and I feel like a child on the inside. In need of love and acceptance and emotional shelter, I want to share my life with someone. I want my love story. I want something that is precious and all mine. It's not necessarily low self esteem. My problem is I was always a pleaser especially with my dad for fear of being abandoned. That fear drives my personality and I understand that completely. I don't fare well all by myself. I miss having someone on my side no matter what. I feel like Im so wounded on the inside and I can't let myself get close enough to anyone to undo this. I love people heart and soul like a little child does full of trust and seeing only the good and it has not always worked out. I make people my heros and I fluff them up and hope that they will give me what I need. No one ever has yet. I mean the things that I say and I genuinely do love people but I need to save me and love me first. I have spent my entire life in a circle chasing after a mans love and adoration for me to feel good about myself.. First with my dad who left us and was I felt always embarassed of me because he was vain and I was a plain looking child, plump and not petite and perfect. I did everything I could think of to please him to win his love and devotion and I always felt rejected. I had a horrible self image of myself as fat and unlovable because I was identical to my mom and that Is what I heard from them non stop.
My weight was a problem to my dad so I felt and I didn't feel like I deserved to be loved unless I was bone thin and perfect. I still have that sad belief im afraid. I have work to do and I can use my strength to heal myself. I don't feel worthy of love when I look in the mirror and see a plump face and unperfect body. Im afraid he will look at my stretch marks from my babies and think Im already used.... Me loving someone heart and soul and them not reciprocating is normal for me. That is what I seem to be comfortable with and that has to stop. My first love ( my father) rejected me on every level. He was ashamed of me or so I felt my whole life when I needed his approval and love he gave it to a witch. When I was a woman and didn't care anymore he then started being a loyal proud father. This is my perception of it he may have never felt that way but it's how I took his attitude. I remember all the hurtful gestures and comments and I was a young woman in need of security and a safe place to grow up. No one offered me that except for my grampa george and grama lillie and aunt Jan. With them I felt total acceptance I felt perfect and flourished but to this day I reduce back down to a little girl with no confidence or appeal when I get around my dad. I feel like no one knows me, no one cares enough to look beyond my physical shape.
I felt loved with Billy, with Chris Heller, with Mike and with Rob. I felt adored and cherished with them and I am so grateful to have known how it feels to be really truly admired. I felt confident and special and like I could do anything and do it right with them. What I want most is to feel that way with Steve. For him to accept me just the way I am and see inside and love me for me. That's what I need in my life to grow and surpass hurtful times. I need the love of someone good and kind and right. I need that to be complete. You're not supposed to say you feel incomplete without a man, but at the basic level I sincerely do. They gave me what my dad didn't or couldn't and so I felt whole when in love with someone who adored me. I need that from Steve and I just don't know if I am important to him. I don't feel hopeless or damaged or less when I understand how this all works. I am very emotional and I think with my heart first and I don't want to change. I want to be me on purpose and I want to be loved. I want to love him and make his dreams come true. I want what I have never had and that is a safe place to fall and arms catch me and love me no matter what.
This shows me that the defect was not in me. It was in an unsupportive environment and selfish parents. I love my dad and alanna but I don't like them. I dont mean that to be ugly or negative- we just have different values and don't mesh very well.
I love Steve on a sweet honest level, not physical or emotional, I love what he brings to my life possibility of a happy future. He is a good person and I would be so proud to be his. my affection is honest and real and that is a level of love. Not passion or compatiblity but an honest affection and gratitude. I can say that because it's real to me. And it could become all of those things and that tells me that he is worth trying. I love him on a friendship level now not Im going to die without you...
My purpose for this discovery is that I need to become a confident woman now. It's time to drop the school girl disease to please persona and live a healthy and productive life. I shrivel when I get around strong willed people, I hate to quarrel, I am modest, shy, get tired and yawn when confronted as in an escape mechanism, I defer to authority too easy, I am just now learning to be assertive and defend myself when Im attacked and I am alot because people know that is my weakness and prey on it.. yes they certainly do. But it is getting better and I am getting better and I know that I am on the right road. Could I be confident enough to strip in front of my husband or take a bath together? No I would shy away and not do it if I could get out of it. That is honest, that is the old me and I want her OUT. I want to live and experience every wonderful thing and it is me and my lack of confidence, my lack of believing that I am ENOUGH RIGHT NOW that would appeal to me to run if I could...
I don't want to be that girl anymore. She will always live in me and that's beautiful, there is a whole adult grown up world that I haven't participated in yet and I want to live the best and fullest life I possibly can. That is why I am drawing out the goddess in myself. She is here, she is hidden and covered up by fear. Fear is what is holding me back - afraid of my own potential and my purpose is to uncover and kill the fear so that the goddess can finally fully come to life.
My weight was a problem to my dad so I felt and I didn't feel like I deserved to be loved unless I was bone thin and perfect. I still have that sad belief im afraid. I have work to do and I can use my strength to heal myself. I don't feel worthy of love when I look in the mirror and see a plump face and unperfect body. Im afraid he will look at my stretch marks from my babies and think Im already used.... Me loving someone heart and soul and them not reciprocating is normal for me. That is what I seem to be comfortable with and that has to stop. My first love ( my father) rejected me on every level. He was ashamed of me or so I felt my whole life when I needed his approval and love he gave it to a witch. When I was a woman and didn't care anymore he then started being a loyal proud father. This is my perception of it he may have never felt that way but it's how I took his attitude. I remember all the hurtful gestures and comments and I was a young woman in need of security and a safe place to grow up. No one offered me that except for my grampa george and grama lillie and aunt Jan. With them I felt total acceptance I felt perfect and flourished but to this day I reduce back down to a little girl with no confidence or appeal when I get around my dad. I feel like no one knows me, no one cares enough to look beyond my physical shape.
I felt loved with Billy, with Chris Heller, with Mike and with Rob. I felt adored and cherished with them and I am so grateful to have known how it feels to be really truly admired. I felt confident and special and like I could do anything and do it right with them. What I want most is to feel that way with Steve. For him to accept me just the way I am and see inside and love me for me. That's what I need in my life to grow and surpass hurtful times. I need the love of someone good and kind and right. I need that to be complete. You're not supposed to say you feel incomplete without a man, but at the basic level I sincerely do. They gave me what my dad didn't or couldn't and so I felt whole when in love with someone who adored me. I need that from Steve and I just don't know if I am important to him. I don't feel hopeless or damaged or less when I understand how this all works. I am very emotional and I think with my heart first and I don't want to change. I want to be me on purpose and I want to be loved. I want to love him and make his dreams come true. I want what I have never had and that is a safe place to fall and arms catch me and love me no matter what.
This shows me that the defect was not in me. It was in an unsupportive environment and selfish parents. I love my dad and alanna but I don't like them. I dont mean that to be ugly or negative- we just have different values and don't mesh very well.
I love Steve on a sweet honest level, not physical or emotional, I love what he brings to my life possibility of a happy future. He is a good person and I would be so proud to be his. my affection is honest and real and that is a level of love. Not passion or compatiblity but an honest affection and gratitude. I can say that because it's real to me. And it could become all of those things and that tells me that he is worth trying. I love him on a friendship level now not Im going to die without you...
My purpose for this discovery is that I need to become a confident woman now. It's time to drop the school girl disease to please persona and live a healthy and productive life. I shrivel when I get around strong willed people, I hate to quarrel, I am modest, shy, get tired and yawn when confronted as in an escape mechanism, I defer to authority too easy, I am just now learning to be assertive and defend myself when Im attacked and I am alot because people know that is my weakness and prey on it.. yes they certainly do. But it is getting better and I am getting better and I know that I am on the right road. Could I be confident enough to strip in front of my husband or take a bath together? No I would shy away and not do it if I could get out of it. That is honest, that is the old me and I want her OUT. I want to live and experience every wonderful thing and it is me and my lack of confidence, my lack of believing that I am ENOUGH RIGHT NOW that would appeal to me to run if I could...
I don't want to be that girl anymore. She will always live in me and that's beautiful, there is a whole adult grown up world that I haven't participated in yet and I want to live the best and fullest life I possibly can. That is why I am drawing out the goddess in myself. She is here, she is hidden and covered up by fear. Fear is what is holding me back - afraid of my own potential and my purpose is to uncover and kill the fear so that the goddess can finally fully come to life.
posted by Nikki at 10:00 PM
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