A LAP DANCE & A HOOKER FOR ALL I KNOW

There is no telling what went down Saturday night and it's none of my business I guess because we're not together, he's not mine. But if I found out that he has kissed another woman while making me wait for a fucking date for 5 months I would be destroyed and that would be it. Im so disappointed and why is this happening? I don't know what to think. Does he just want a pen pal and string me along until he leaves? Does he have feelings for me that he is running from because of being deployed for 14 months. Im tired of analyzing everything and it's draining my confidence and my spirit having to guess all the time. If I just walk away what if he is the love of my life and I throw it away. I don't know what to do and I have told him too many times that I don't like this- he says *maybe* we can meet... in hell and then I wait after being reassured and the day never comes. I am better than this and I don't deserve this. All I can do is just tell him how I feel and let him go. I want to be together. Why do I have to be lonely now when he's here? I understand not wanting to lose your mind in love before deployment and then risk your safety worrying about what's going on back home.. I understand that. But he doesn't know me, he needs to trust me and come to me. There is no one I would rather be with and no where I want to be except in his embrace. Im ready for something real and my heart tells me I would marry him tomorrow. My husband proposed after 5 weeks and that was a disaster- that's not the answer. He doesn't want any surprises-- I already took care of it when he was in the field in May. There's nothing to worry about and Im going to tell him I WANT to see him when he gets back from reservist at the end of Aug.. I have to tell him how I feel and good or bad this is it. I really do understand his hesitancy and going back and forth, but Im sucessful on my own, it's his heart that I want and nothing else. It's a chance that I want to see if he is right for me. Do I want to put my life on hold waiting 14 months for a promise that's not there. NO. I want him and I have to know he loves me before I would do something like that. I'll wait for you if you ask me to and that's the only way. I have a life to live and I want a husband someday and I want the real thing and a happy home and a man who loves me and only me.. I deserve that and I have to have it. Im guessing how he feels and trying to make sense out of why in the hell arent we together? Maybe im right and maybe Im totally wrong and making a fool out of myself throwing my heart out there to be kicked right back to me. I would rather lose and get over something than miss it entirely and I want to be able to respect the people I care about because they are honest even when it is hurtful to me. Don't play with me like this, I want the truth.. I want him and I want him in my bed and beside me in every way. I think Im in love now and if he leaves me without showing me how he feels I won't get over it. That will be the end for me and Steve. I can be patient but this is worrysome to me now and I wonder if he is an alcoholic. Even if he was 14 months & 10 months before would fix itself. I just don't understand this. The time to be lonely and blue is when he's gone, not when he is here and could make it better.

What he doesn't understand is I am the greatest woman in the world. I believe that. I have every talent, every skill, and what I didn't know I sought information and learned it. I can do anything for him and fulfill all his wants and needs. I have to love someone though and know that I am loved completely before I can open up to him that way. Heaven is whispering in his ear and he won't hear me. And when he sees me Im going to blow him away. Im beautiful, Im every good thing and no reason in the world not to love me like I want him to. Maybe that's what's wrong because he feels like when he makes his move it will all be over and no turning back. He's afraid to surrender because there's no going back. That could be it. He's afraid of falling in love and being vulnerable and open to devistation while he is dodging bullets in Iraq. I would sooner believe that and that makes me feel like things could have gotten way out of hand on Sat night because his needs are not filled.

I love this guy, enough to just let him go and see what he does. I have told him openly how much I like him. Im not going to contact him, he will email me and I will keep it short and to the point. I m going to focus on me and take care of me so that when we do meet and I really do feel like it will be in Sept I will be ready and I will have him on his knees. I want him to be so smitten with me that it's all over now and nothing more to say he's mine. He has to trust me and let me in. Quit running Steve and I know he needs some reassurance. Im going to call him late Thursday night because Im going to make him realize that I am real and he will hear my emotion in my voice. I want him and I think he needs a little shove and then some love :o)