I want him so bad

I know Im fucking up and I need to let this be and just focus on being friends.. He's going to leave me for Iraq and I will just fall apart. If we got together now it would be so passionate, so intense, so out of control with lust and fear I just don't think I can handle this. Im scared now, because I will fall madly in love and I know it. I know how we're going to be together when it's face to face, I won't be able to hold back and this is going to turn into a disaster. I just adore him and now Im gonna love him and have him and then he'll be gone in a war. I am going to be devistated with or without him, im panicking now and I don't know what to do. I couldn't help it, I couldn't help myself. He is so wonderful and sweet and good looking. I've done so good on my plan and look nice- I don't think there is a chance that he won't like me. I really don't and it's only going to get better each day because Im sticking to my style. He doesn't have a prayer and if he wants a hot woman all over him he's got it now.

Every night when I lay down I hold my pillow close to me so tight just imagining and wishing that he be there with me. I feel him turn into me and hold me close and kiss me so tender that Im melting. I could never hold back or turn him away like this because Im on fire for him. All I want in this world is his arms around me, his skin warm and soft close to mine, his kisses all over me, his mouth and hands on my body, his weight on me and dreamy and lost making love to me in my bed. I know I like him, I know Im attracted to him, I know that he's good and sweet and I can trust him with my heart, I this to be real, I want to be a couple and be together and be his. That's what I need, he cannot leave me here like this. And how could he do that to himself let alone me. I just keep thinking about Billy in High School and we were together for 4 years and never did the big thing. That's my real regret because he was the one who loved me and waited for me and did anything I needed him to. I regret not sharing that with him, instead it was a negative thing that was hurtful and a bad memory now and I want Steve, I want to be close to him and share something so magical and special. I just have to be patient and see what happens. I know how I feel and he has to be the man and let me be the woman. Im not going after him, he has to want me and come for me. I have to make it safe and quit telling him all those lovey dovey things. He has to feel safe enough and in control enough to make his move. I just have to chill...