IM SAD

He's back Im sure of it--on the thing 3 times today. Not a big deal he thinks I think he's in a hurricane and he didnt clarify... I'll say yes to friends next week-fuck it. I had a great day today and work very productive and strong. Our correspondence was ok- I probably read too much into it. I don't know what the future will hold. Im not isolating myself from the world anymore waiting for him here being a good girl. Im going out and he can watch me have a good time. Just keep my options open and whatever happens happens. In my heart I only want him and no one else will do, but being so overt and open with my feelings has been GOOD at times because he cracked and blew me some kisses hee her haw but I want more... I think that we have passed the safety zone and now we're gonna get hurt if this gets passionate before he leaves. I have my doubts whether we'll meet at all and why I don't know. All I know is Im staying on my plan, being a girl, being a flirt, being cool and my page is awesome and he can read all about me--fucker. Im gonna be lookin good and I know everybody and he will be the one staring at me.. I'll smile at him and be nice and look sad a little bit- Im not doing this again- Im not losing my mind over a guy that was freaking hurtful and I had to get a grip this month all alone and realize that if this was going to happen, it would have already. He has to make it back from a war before we can be together be together.. and would I wait for him if he loved me yes a million times yes but this isn't going to happen. Could we be one of those couples that are friends for a long long time and then hook up like Grace and Loren or is this going to break my heart and be all for nothing. I don't want to lose, I don't want to be the have not anymore, I cant make him love me by throwing myself at him and being so there and available.

What image do I want him to see? Cool, confident, secure, fun, smart, sweet, popular.
What is my strategy? Not needy or posessive, be young fun and single..together
Do I need one? Yes because I am too easily hurt and too sensitive.
What kind of man do I really want? Tall, good, integrity, attentive, thoughtful, sexy, into me
What do I need to feel secure and happy? Time, attention, love, tenderness, be there, concern
What are my deal breakers? Violence, excessive drinking or bad habits, cheater
Do I need to flip out and analyze everything? No- what is he supposed to do and what am I supposed to do? He can't come on to me and tell me all these sweet things and then leave- fuck me and leave- he probably doesn't know what to do about us either.

Just chill the fuck out and be cool, breezy, easy to talk to, sweet, do not get mushy or heart to hearts this just isn't the time now. We should have been together months ago, and months ago I would have been rejected and left because Im so heavy and no confidence in myself. I don't feel sexy right now- I quit walking and working out and that is so back on now. For me, for the way I feel about myself. I want to melt his butter and be real, this is a big gamble right now.

Im sure we both have partying on the mind for this weekend and I would prefer not to run into him just yet--maybe manhattan or coyotes.. I want him to come to me, to beg me to love him, and be someone I can love and trust with my heart. I do care, probably way too much, and really - yeah we will meet probably at the club on accident again or in Nov before he leaves. We will meet Im sure, and he is going to fall so totally in love with me and he probably knows it because I am 1000million times what he needs, I just need to be prould of myself and confident. I do need this time for me- so it's all good for now.

The only thing that would turn me off and walk away is if he left without kissing me. I would be so devistated I couldn't communicate with him anymore. I truly don't think that is any part of this story..