Getting back to me
I have to be more clever, I don't like strategic thinking when it comes to love, but I really do need to save myself from me. Being sweet and available and totally devoted to Steve hasn't brought him to my door to kick it down and be my prince. In fact he was online this morning but didn't send me any message. This is not working out the way I wanted it to. I love being his friend and talking every day but I want more from him. Maybe hes doing his laundry this morning who knows but I feel very neglected. Maybe its just his way and nothing personal towards me. Who knows. All I am certain of is when we were together he was very sweet and sensitive to me and a total gentleman and everything I wished for. He said this was the best night of his life and the best date he had ever been on and that he was done with dating and it was just me and him from now on. We talk everyday but i havent seen him since that night! WTF?? Hes a soldier and drinking and partying every night but dont you want to be with me, dont you miss me? I don't want to ask him those questions, thats weird and sybillish... but its hard to understand. Hes my total price charming, the one I have waited for forever and I love him but i dont know where i fit in and i dont know what is going on. Hell be gone in 60 days and i can hang on and hang in there, i know i will see him again, i know we will have a goodbye together and i just dont want to be mad when that night comes... me and unresolved anger do not go hand in hand and I dont want to spoil our night even if he is spoiling every single day for me right now because im confused and really upset honestly because he slept all sweet and safe next to me after our first real date and I loved every moment.
But now after all the high of it all is wearing off, hes distant from me it seems and im sad because his face and my memory is fading. Im really tired of analyzing every little thing to death and then comforting myself with the wrong things. My house is a mess, I dont have the energy to overhaul everything because im sad and my whole world revolves around him because i can't seem to have him the way i want. This is not good for me and to let myself be so directed internally by outside things. I cant keep doing this and i have to change my strategy.
We have time for a big falling out and a bigger get back together. Its time to get out the ammo and play this game. I love him and I want him to marry me someday, he is my knight in shining armour but my l0ve and affection came simply too easy to him, he didn't have to earn it and that goes against nature. Men are warriors, hunters, and savages. Women like me love them just for being that way. I gave him my heart and soul on a big fluffy pillow saying please love me. Duh! When I told him to go to hell and I really meant it thats when the challenge started and he did everything to get me back. I dont like playing these games, thats not me, I just want to love someone and they love me in return and we are happy and together forever. It doesn't work that way though. How do I capture his heart and affection? By being what he cant have. We have to start over, he has to win the girl. The man picks the girl, loves the girl, courts the girl, marries the girl.. He has to be the man and i loved him before he asked me to. I broke all the rules and somehow it was ok because we talk everyday but I don't want to talk, I want him for my husband because i really love him and i wish i didn't but i do. I could never tell him that or say it out loud but thats how I feel in my heart.
So here is the plan. Get busy, do your own thing, dont email him, dont wait around for him to contact me. Get out in the world and do fun things, go out, have fun, have him see me doing ok without him and when he asks what is wrong because that would be a total 360 from how things are now.. I will just tell him that I didn't feel special to him. I thought we were going to be together and we werent. I was hurt and I thought he wanted me to not care about him and just go away so I did. It was so hard to get over you but I did... Poor little wayward girl with the big broken heart. I just dont know if I could ever get those feelings back.. thats it! Thats the game right there. How could he love me, how could I be the girl of his dreams if he didn't have to fight for me and win the girl. We have to start over. He deserves a love story as much as I do so we have to break off and he be the man and come after me.
No more heart to hearts, no more sweet talking, no more nothing. Im hurt and Im backing away because I thought he didn't want me... And maybe he wont come after me, maybe he really does drink too much and that is the only thing thats important to him, and if so then he is wrong for me and I really do need to do this permanently.
All I know is I can't continue to do this to myself being obsessed with someone who wont love me the way I deserve to be loved. My heart says send him a message and tell him how I feel and how I adore him and how much he means to me. I have already done that though and he has not come running. My head says turn around and start running the other way and if he is the man I think he is he will come after me because he really does care.
But now after all the high of it all is wearing off, hes distant from me it seems and im sad because his face and my memory is fading. Im really tired of analyzing every little thing to death and then comforting myself with the wrong things. My house is a mess, I dont have the energy to overhaul everything because im sad and my whole world revolves around him because i can't seem to have him the way i want. This is not good for me and to let myself be so directed internally by outside things. I cant keep doing this and i have to change my strategy.
We have time for a big falling out and a bigger get back together. Its time to get out the ammo and play this game. I love him and I want him to marry me someday, he is my knight in shining armour but my l0ve and affection came simply too easy to him, he didn't have to earn it and that goes against nature. Men are warriors, hunters, and savages. Women like me love them just for being that way. I gave him my heart and soul on a big fluffy pillow saying please love me. Duh! When I told him to go to hell and I really meant it thats when the challenge started and he did everything to get me back. I dont like playing these games, thats not me, I just want to love someone and they love me in return and we are happy and together forever. It doesn't work that way though. How do I capture his heart and affection? By being what he cant have. We have to start over, he has to win the girl. The man picks the girl, loves the girl, courts the girl, marries the girl.. He has to be the man and i loved him before he asked me to. I broke all the rules and somehow it was ok because we talk everyday but I don't want to talk, I want him for my husband because i really love him and i wish i didn't but i do. I could never tell him that or say it out loud but thats how I feel in my heart.
So here is the plan. Get busy, do your own thing, dont email him, dont wait around for him to contact me. Get out in the world and do fun things, go out, have fun, have him see me doing ok without him and when he asks what is wrong because that would be a total 360 from how things are now.. I will just tell him that I didn't feel special to him. I thought we were going to be together and we werent. I was hurt and I thought he wanted me to not care about him and just go away so I did. It was so hard to get over you but I did... Poor little wayward girl with the big broken heart. I just dont know if I could ever get those feelings back.. thats it! Thats the game right there. How could he love me, how could I be the girl of his dreams if he didn't have to fight for me and win the girl. We have to start over. He deserves a love story as much as I do so we have to break off and he be the man and come after me.
No more heart to hearts, no more sweet talking, no more nothing. Im hurt and Im backing away because I thought he didn't want me... And maybe he wont come after me, maybe he really does drink too much and that is the only thing thats important to him, and if so then he is wrong for me and I really do need to do this permanently.
All I know is I can't continue to do this to myself being obsessed with someone who wont love me the way I deserve to be loved. My heart says send him a message and tell him how I feel and how I adore him and how much he means to me. I have already done that though and he has not come running. My head says turn around and start running the other way and if he is the man I think he is he will come after me because he really does care.
posted by Nikki at 10:11 AM
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