I want him to leave

Just saying those words makes me feel sick inside. Nothing makes sense at all and I am so lonely. Crying already on my way home from work yesterday just knowing that I would be all alone again and all I want in this world is for him to be near me. All he cares about is getting drunk. How can we be friends like this and be completely in love the one time that I actually saw him face to face- yes we have spent one night together face to face in over 7 months. I would never marry him like this, my happiness is not important, he says im sorry and whatever else nice when I tell him I cant do this anymore, he doesnt ask about my kids, he doesnt care when i tell him how i feel. I feel drug through the mud and humiliated and devistated. I even told him I thought he didnt want me and just didn't want to hurt my feelings. He says im sorry its been so crazy on post and he didn't mean to not give me enough attention. Im like WTF is this. What do i do. Do I wait for a year and end up with nothing. Iam compulsive in nature and when i feel lonely i overeat and shop to feel better. This is toxic because i dont know where i stand. im tired of being friends, im tired of talking on email, thats for when hes a million miles away. not right here. I want to be closer and together and i want him around me and all he cares about is getting drunk every weekend. Thats the focus of his life it seems. This is no good and im heartbroken. I wanted him more than anything. And this is killing me. I have gained 20 pounds i think since our date just feeling abandoned like some little girl crying for her dad to come back. I cant do this and i need to break away and let him go and quit thinking about him as a romantic interest. I dont want to say this whole thing, this whole year, all this stirring of my heart and emotions was a waste of time but im afraid it was. Im still here all alone, hurt and short with my kids, feeling isolated and unwanted and confused, i cant do this anymore. I just want out. I want to be happy again and focused and take good care of myself and a happy clean home and good times again. I have turned myself truly inside out hoping to win his heart and his affection and here i am with nothing. He is an alcoholic and I have to accept that. I would never marry him and its time to let this go and get back to me.

I dont want him to go, if something happened to him in Iraq I would just crumble. But when hes not around to make me feel unwanted, I can be happy. That breaks my heart, wanting him means I have to be alone and miserable. Why cant I just let this go. Because I have to start all over again and this time im almost 37 instead of 27. I have been single and slept alone every night since Oct 22, 1996 and i want my life back. Im a good person and sucessful and strong. I deserve a happy ending and a good guy who would love and cherish me and be good to me. I love everything about Steve but his drinking controls his time, not him, and I cant live with that or accept that. He could never be my husband. I am truly disappointed in myself for letting this go so far, and in him for not having goals and plans of his own. It seems that nothing matters besides being drunk. What about holidays and family events and special things? How could I ever have someone around my kids like this. I couldnt and so i need to let this go. There is no happy future with a man who drinks non stop and I in my heart I know it.