Same old bs

I cannot stand this anymore. I sent him an honest letter not too heavy but it said what I feel and how important he is to me. That I wasn't sure what to do now and do I wait or what? This man doesn't give an inch. He is cold one minute and then sending hugs and we can talk and email and call on the phone while he is gone. He might as well be gone now because its the same thing. I hate the fact that I will feel relieved when he is not here because I wont have to feel rejected. I dont even know if I am being rejected because we talk everyday and he sends hugs and this is so fucking annoying. I wish I could jump through this screen and smack him- if he says lol one more time I am going to throw something. I told him I missed him and I wished he was near me he says lol. Thats not funny. And hes not dating anyone. I dont think hes talking to anyone- well yes I do. He was cold like this in July and then I found out he was on some date and I was too horrified to even ask about that. Im literally sick to my stomach when I eat anything and all I do is comfort myself with the wrong things. Im so afraid that Im going to give up and walk away and lose something I wanted so bad. But how could someone that cared about me let me go around feeling like this? Hes not stupid or from some other planet. He knows this is hurtful to me and yet does nothing. And he throws some little flake of kindness to me and I go off the deep end and act like nothing at all is wrong. I am so foolish and gullible. I dont want to be looking for a husband when im 40 and right now im too dejected to take care of myself. I need to go out and just feel good and attractive. He makes me feel ugly when im begging just for a little glimmer of anything and nothing. This is so toxic to me and its just like my dad. I idolize someone to death and when im not quite enough and always seeking affection and love and turned away. Its a horrible cycle and never in my life have I gone in circles like this and just felt so empty inside. He has made no effort at all to come crashing through and make it better and I dont understand why. I dont want a friend, be in love with someone and get my hopes up and end up with nothing. I need to let this go. It is killing my spirit and I cant because I love him and I want him to be everything I need. At times he seems so sensitive and easy to talk to and normal, but this isn't enough. Im tired of watching the bad guys win and being alone and sleeping alone and no happiness in my life at all except for my family and kids. I want it all a home and husband and fun career and high heels to work everyday and look good and happy and healthy. I can't even remember the last time I felt really content with my life. And what bothers me is the night that he left here I thought to myself damn there are some screws missing but he is so attractive and turned me so on. When we were face to face I didnt think he was husband material, but now that he hasnt come beating down my door he is my whole world... thats me that has some screws loose. I don't want to rock the boat, I need to but he only has 6 weeks left before they take off. I can hold on and just see what happens. And my negative feelings about him and not even founded any more than good things- I don't even know him. Just stupid little chats everyday and once in awhile we talk about something insightful. He seems like he was raised to be very decent and good manners and very gentlemanly and polite. But he turns into a wildman when hes drinking which is anytime after 5. I honestly dont know what to do. I dont want to lose him but he is driving me crazy holding on.