This is so over
I havent spoken to him since Friday night- its monday morning. Same thing every weekend. Steve is not the one for me and I would not be surprised at all if he has a girlfriend. Football was on yesterday so thats probably where he was but no message for me even this morning. And I told him thursday night that I missed him and I wished he was here with me. I cant to this anymore and I need to get him out of my heart and my mind. I tell him how I feel and he either says nothing or he says lol like its funny. Its not funny? I would have never said anything, or slept with him if I had known this was how it would be. He said everything under the sun to reassure me that we were for real and now im really hurt. He was just being a guy I guess and I bought it, its my fault too. But after 6 months of talking first I was in love with him and I wanted him with me, just close to me. And that was our plan, just to be together and dont let anything happen.
I don't think he is the one for me. He ignored my son when he said hello on messenger. He is drunk constantly and he honestly probably doesn't even remember all the things he said. That would be his excuse Im sure. Its just that i dont want to start over and have nothing and no one. Im 36 and I dont have all the time in the world anymore. I want something real that I can get some happiness from and as much as I want steve, I realise that all I am getting is hurt and frustration and constantly wondering what is so wrong with me that he would rather do anything than just come and see me. What is the big deal? But he won't have any part of it. I cant let a drunk control how I feel about myself and cause me to have such self doubt. I thought that we would bring so much happiness to each other, I really thought when this all started that he was the one for me. My heart says he is, but my head and common sense says no way. When we were together I saw a little boy who has done without a lot of love, it tears him up that his dad let him go. I could see the pain on his face, and maybe that has a lot to do with his drinking. I can't rescue him and love him so much and fill the emptiness in him and hope he will do the same for me. I need someone to count on just as bad. I don't know--something in me says just give him some space and dont let go, and then the other part says dont waste your time on someone like this because even if you win you'll lose.
I still think that backing completely off is my best solution. Its not even strategy, I need more than this and more than he is willing to give to me. Hes going to miss me on that long plane ride over the ocean when his mind is clear and his heart is hurting because he had something wonderful and promising in his hands and he messed it all up. Im starting to come back around now and I know that there is nothing wrong with me and I dont deserve to be treated this way. There is nothing else to do except just walk away so that is what I have to do.
Even if we did spend time together now, what would that mean. Feel like this all over again when tomorrow comes. No thanks. He left me alone too long and now Im done with this.
I don't think he is the one for me. He ignored my son when he said hello on messenger. He is drunk constantly and he honestly probably doesn't even remember all the things he said. That would be his excuse Im sure. Its just that i dont want to start over and have nothing and no one. Im 36 and I dont have all the time in the world anymore. I want something real that I can get some happiness from and as much as I want steve, I realise that all I am getting is hurt and frustration and constantly wondering what is so wrong with me that he would rather do anything than just come and see me. What is the big deal? But he won't have any part of it. I cant let a drunk control how I feel about myself and cause me to have such self doubt. I thought that we would bring so much happiness to each other, I really thought when this all started that he was the one for me. My heart says he is, but my head and common sense says no way. When we were together I saw a little boy who has done without a lot of love, it tears him up that his dad let him go. I could see the pain on his face, and maybe that has a lot to do with his drinking. I can't rescue him and love him so much and fill the emptiness in him and hope he will do the same for me. I need someone to count on just as bad. I don't know--something in me says just give him some space and dont let go, and then the other part says dont waste your time on someone like this because even if you win you'll lose.
I still think that backing completely off is my best solution. Its not even strategy, I need more than this and more than he is willing to give to me. Hes going to miss me on that long plane ride over the ocean when his mind is clear and his heart is hurting because he had something wonderful and promising in his hands and he messed it all up. Im starting to come back around now and I know that there is nothing wrong with me and I dont deserve to be treated this way. There is nothing else to do except just walk away so that is what I have to do.
Even if we did spend time together now, what would that mean. Feel like this all over again when tomorrow comes. No thanks. He left me alone too long and now Im done with this.
posted by Nikki at 6:58 AM
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