It was only 6 months...

Me and Steve are done and I know that in my heart. This whole thing seems so disfunctional and now I am past the point of no return. I don't like being ignored. I made it too easy and now Im taken for granted. The only time he was really attentive to me was when I was nasty to him. That's weird. This whole thing has not been good for me. Im embarassed when everyone asks me have I seen him and the answer is no. What is this costing me? My self esteem, confidence, image, happiness and good spirits, direction and peace. He is looking for the woman of his dreams apparently and that is not me. Im so compulsive, if someone teases me and strings me along I take the bait every time. Except for now. Im not going through another Mike and ending up devistated because he is indecisive. If a guy is not sure about me he is history.

Last night under the full moon we were walking along the witchy trail and I was irritated seeing husbands and wives holding hands with their kids doing something fun as a family. That's when I knew enough was enough. I don't like being toyed with, I have told him how I miss him and it bothers me being away, I didn't shove all the things he said back in his face but I think that is really not cool to make it seem so certain that I was the girl for him and then I havent seen his face in a month tomorrow. I killed my diet comforting myself in total despair. How mean and selfish to say those things and then nothing. I know he is leaving for Iraq in Dec for a year. Part of me understands that not wanting to get involved. Part of me feels rejected because if I was in his heart he would be here regardless. I feel ugly and abandoned like a girl left on the side of the road. This is no good and I need to get out of it. My heart and head are going in opposite directions and I just don't think that he is the one for me.

Good:
Tall and very attractive to me
No Kids
Handsome
A gentleman with good manners, brought up well
Sensitive and Emotional
Sensual and very attentive and sweet
Works Hard and doesn't complain
Loves books, museums, travel, learning, adventurous like me
Cares about his family
Tenderhearted
Vulnerable and hides his hurt about his dad
College, educated, smart, honest, goodhearted
I fell in love with him because of these qualities


Questionable
Never married
Excessive Drinking
Doesn't open up about his feelings at all
Doesn't answer or divulge any committal questions
Do you miss me...
Ok to be causal and non committal
Im not casual at all- its all or nothing for me and I resent wasting my time
I have an extreme personality- I dont like things half way or up in the air
I give 100% and I can't respond to someone who won't do the same
No effort to reassure me or calm my questions
He didn't answer Jordy on messenger or ask about Austin this weekend after his fall
He was looking at other girls at CO'K
Ladies man and its ok to him to let me stir and be unhappy
At 37 it seems weird to not want something serious, to not want something true
My biggest fear is that I would wait for him in Iraq and he comes home and leaves and we arent together after all. I would be almost 38 years old then and starting over from zero.
That is too big of a gamble and I need to be dating and going out and being sociable and keeping my options open, my heart says I don't want anyone but him.

I have to get over that and not love someones potential- love people for the way they are now-

distant-alone- drunk-casual-not attentive or concerned- Im hurting and its not an issue with him. This is over. Im ashamed of the way he has treated me and more ashamed of what I have allowed. I deserve something real and a good guy who will adore me and be my friend. I am heartbroken right now because I wanted it to be him more than anything else in this world but if he was the one for me he would be here. I will get over this and I know how to be positive and constructive. I won't let myself end up emptyhanded at 40. I just really wanted him to love me and all this could be finally over. I didn't want to be a casualty of my first husband and I sort of feel that way now. Im tired of seeing the bad guys win, being nice, being for other people what I need them to be for me has gotten me no where. I want a nice guy who will let me love him and be sweet and happy together without taking me for granted and treating me like crap because he can. I want a guy who will appreciate something special and thinks im an angel and would never hurt me. The blinders have to come off because that guy is not Steve and it hurts. I feel like someone took a shovel to my chest. This is our time and he is throwing it all away and its not fair and I dont deserve to be treated like that.