Anniversary today

Yeah one month ago tonight was our wonderful night. I have gone totally off the deep end because we talk all the time but thats all. These next two weeks he's gonna know something is off. I have broken every rule ever made. All of them and I thought I was special enough to pull it off... I am and I know it. I do understand, a year is a long time and right now is not the time to be making promises, but I would make a promise, I would wait forever if he was sincere. Im the one in love and I have to accept that.

I can't go around being blue and trippin every day. I wanted him and he took good care of me and we still talk all the time. Its just not what I planned on, not what he said. But it makes me happy that the person in this world that I am closest to is someone I love and admire from my heart and someone who cares for me. I needed that so much, I just don't want it to be over. Who knows how this story will end. I have had such a crush on him since the first time I saw him on messenger on nye 03. I can't believe that this is the same person, and it went this far and we are cool. But when I saw him walk up to my door to get me my heart stopped and I loved him. OMG so handsome, but not too much or in an arrogant way, he was sensitive and sweet and so attentive to me. Our date was the best one in my whole life and I just want him around. I was me, and I was happy when he was right next to me.

I always want what I can't have. That's not a good thing, and that was learned as a child with an emotionally distant father who I worshipped. I always felt like my dad was ashamed of me because I wasn't short and petite and perfect. Even though he is 6'7. Only as an adult after I had my own kids was he able to really relate to his kids and show us how much he loved us. My dad is the sweetest guy in the world and it just took him a long time to open up and be available to us. This thing with Steve pushes all my buttons and that is about me, not him. Not even something he needs to know about.

I can't be freaked out over him and neglect my kids and be less of a mother to my boys. I was so bummed today I didn't even go to work and that is rediculous. This house is a mess, I am a mess and I have put on some weight, I feel isolated and blue, I don't have any friends except for family because I have trust issues, I am a mess. I can't fall apart when things don't go my way.
I can't wait for everything to be 100% perfect before I allow and agree that I can be happy. I went off the deep end when he didn't spend that first weekend with me. I was truly devistated and off my rocker. Whatever his reasons might be, and it might not be anything more than he drinks way too much and not sure what to do about me, and what does it matter? I have to stay level and grounded every day of my life no matter what is going on because I am a mother to my kids before I am anything else. They aren't going to see a depressed going in circles mother anymore. They already resent him and who wouldn't...

"LIFE WILL DEAL YOU MANY DISAPPOINTMENTS, DON'T LET YOURSELF DOWN TOO"

Those words mean so much to me. To me from my grandmother who I loved more than anything. She had so many heartaches and she always carried herself with grace and class. I strive to be like her but im not her.

These next 30 days are about me getting my ass together. My tummy - can't even feel my hips I have been so sugared up and this is wrong. Im not even worried about overweight- Im worried about heartattacks, blood clots in my legs, diabetes, blurry vision due to the sugar river of glue in my veins. I can't do this anymore. I dont want Steve to go, I want him in my life but until I have a ring, proposal, commitment, promise-- I am single and i need to be out dating and socializing and keeping my options open. I can't risk being 38 and starting from the ground again. I want him but I am living my life and he shouldn't expect anything different...