Total Halloween Breakdown
My life is a trainwreck. My kids ignore me I am not the center of their life anymore, im in the way. Especially Austin. My life is so empty I find myself irritated that he has a girlfriend. He has someone to love and spend time with and here I am alone still. Something is wrong with me. No one is divorced for 9 years with one real relationship that was off anyway. I feel like I should have an R stamped on my forhead. This crap with Steve doesnt help. I kept telling myself that he is so drunk half the time that I dont need to take it personal, but I really think he is talking to more people than just me and im not even as important to him. I would never let someone I really cared about go around feeling like I do. He knows how much this hurts me and says nothing, does nothing, ciao later peace. I would like to jump through this screen and kick him right in his brb fucking head.
He is cold hot cold and he is driving me crazy. No one said I have to care. No one said I have to stay home everyweekend wishing he would magically appear. What if he's not a drunk. What if hes got a good mind and smart and he just doesn't want me. Really why am I even worrying about that. I gained 25 pounds in October well since our date. I was at*92 and now im at *17. No wonder I fucking lost it tonight. I have not cried that hard since i got divorced. I cant go on doing this. I am losing myself. Im not even visable. I dont look or feel like myself. Im negative and hateful and it pisses me off to see people happy because I deserve mine and where is it. I dont want to be searching for someone to love me. I dont want to be alone anymore. I dont want to sleep alone anymore. My life is so empty and the void is like a dinosour sitting here because i want someone and hes not coming through. Hes teasing me and playing with me and im going along with it. I dont want my life to be this way. My mom said she was surprised that he came to get me she thought he would stand me up. Thanks mom. I have been alone so long that its shocking for someone to be seen with me. Im a freak. I am a freak. My body looks like a freak. My mental state is fucking whacked too because I have been alone too long. I expect people to be nasty. Deep down maybe im just not meant for any love in my life. Maybe its my story to go without my basic needs. What is holding me back from telling him to not talk to me anymore. Why can't I just tell him to leave me alone. This is killing me and I get nothing but hurt all the time because Im too needy. He is a - I dont even know him well enough to know what he is. I dont have a clue what the fuck he is like because email is so cold and impersonal. Fuck this I am tired of being jerked around. If he told me the morning of Sept 18th that psyche I wont be coming to see you and its not just you and me I would have had respect for him for at least being straight.Is there any possibility that im the love of his life and his dream girl. I dont know. I dont feel like it. I think i am and I think he is stupid for not being with me. But I said that about MIke and he went on to have a life of his own and here i still am. Pining over the love of a seeming alcoholic. I must have no self esteem or value at all to put myself through this day after day. I need to let this completely go and focus on me. I feel so bad for feeling the way I do I will almost be relieved when he leaves because although he will be gone and out of my hopes for a true love for me, I will be getting my sanity back. Why doesnt he miss me. Why doesnt he want me. What is wrong with me that i am still all alone after all this time. I have yet to even cry on someones shoulders for getting divorced. This was not supposed to happen to me. I have sealed my fate and sealed myself in mud like I always belonged here because instead of focusing on my strengths and developing myself and getting fit and strong, I ate my way through hell and look at me now. It is a pitiful sight. I am a disaster. I have to move forward and leave him behind. Quit thinking about him as a romantic and just let him go. He is killing my spirit, Im letting him because im so vulnerable and sensitive. I need him in my life so badly and he wont come to me. He wont and i dont know why and it hurts like I never knew it could. I dont want to feel this way anymore. I need to let him go and come back to me.
He is cold hot cold and he is driving me crazy. No one said I have to care. No one said I have to stay home everyweekend wishing he would magically appear. What if he's not a drunk. What if hes got a good mind and smart and he just doesn't want me. Really why am I even worrying about that. I gained 25 pounds in October well since our date. I was at*92 and now im at *17. No wonder I fucking lost it tonight. I have not cried that hard since i got divorced. I cant go on doing this. I am losing myself. Im not even visable. I dont look or feel like myself. Im negative and hateful and it pisses me off to see people happy because I deserve mine and where is it. I dont want to be searching for someone to love me. I dont want to be alone anymore. I dont want to sleep alone anymore. My life is so empty and the void is like a dinosour sitting here because i want someone and hes not coming through. Hes teasing me and playing with me and im going along with it. I dont want my life to be this way. My mom said she was surprised that he came to get me she thought he would stand me up. Thanks mom. I have been alone so long that its shocking for someone to be seen with me. Im a freak. I am a freak. My body looks like a freak. My mental state is fucking whacked too because I have been alone too long. I expect people to be nasty. Deep down maybe im just not meant for any love in my life. Maybe its my story to go without my basic needs. What is holding me back from telling him to not talk to me anymore. Why can't I just tell him to leave me alone. This is killing me and I get nothing but hurt all the time because Im too needy. He is a - I dont even know him well enough to know what he is. I dont have a clue what the fuck he is like because email is so cold and impersonal. Fuck this I am tired of being jerked around. If he told me the morning of Sept 18th that psyche I wont be coming to see you and its not just you and me I would have had respect for him for at least being straight.Is there any possibility that im the love of his life and his dream girl. I dont know. I dont feel like it. I think i am and I think he is stupid for not being with me. But I said that about MIke and he went on to have a life of his own and here i still am. Pining over the love of a seeming alcoholic. I must have no self esteem or value at all to put myself through this day after day. I need to let this completely go and focus on me. I feel so bad for feeling the way I do I will almost be relieved when he leaves because although he will be gone and out of my hopes for a true love for me, I will be getting my sanity back. Why doesnt he miss me. Why doesnt he want me. What is wrong with me that i am still all alone after all this time. I have yet to even cry on someones shoulders for getting divorced. This was not supposed to happen to me. I have sealed my fate and sealed myself in mud like I always belonged here because instead of focusing on my strengths and developing myself and getting fit and strong, I ate my way through hell and look at me now. It is a pitiful sight. I am a disaster. I have to move forward and leave him behind. Quit thinking about him as a romantic and just let him go. He is killing my spirit, Im letting him because im so vulnerable and sensitive. I need him in my life so badly and he wont come to me. He wont and i dont know why and it hurts like I never knew it could. I dont want to feel this way anymore. I need to let him go and come back to me.
posted by Nikki at 8:19 PM
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