Just have to laugh/no more tripping

Im feeling like I need to just completely turn my whole thought process around. He is not the one for me. For one reason. He likes to chat with women all over and for what who knows. I would never want to be married to some man who has a private life away from me on the internet. That's exactly what I would get. He told me today about some woman in England wanting him to send him money and some model in africa wanting him to cash her paycheck. All this time- this week I was really blue and stubborn waiting for him to contact me and nothing. I was wrong this morning just saying hello. I was crushed to hear that he talks to other women although I knew it. Something was off all this time and why would you rather spend your time in front of a computer talking to people you will never see. When he knows how I felt. FELT. Im so turned off. Just cold. He is not what I thought he was. He drinks non stop and totally has this computer passion that I don't understand. He's looking for his dream girl I guess. Arent you a little too old at 37 to be living your life in windows world.

When you love someone you accept them, good and bad and you don't make them change. I could never live my life with someone like this. I just had to step back and laugh. I think that is a waste of time and he's a fool. Im not going to be waiting around anymore. Im done. Im so hurt that we will not have a goodbye. It would be humiliating to me because I know he doesn't really care for me that way. I would just feel used and I didn't the first time because he said we were a sure thing and it didn't matter if we did or didn't that night because it was just me and him from now on. How many times has this been said? How many times has this happened. I feel yucky like he's kinda man hoeish and that is a total turn off.

I want a husband who thinks im the greatest catch in the world. Who loves me from his heart and who misses me. Who can't wait to be near me. That's the way every boyfriend I have ever had in my life felt about me except for him. It hurts and it's confusing and I feel stupid for making this into some love affair when really im just some chick in a long line im sure of one night love you forever bs. He ruined my night, now our date night seems cheap and dirty. Just some handsome insecure drunk soldier running his game. I loved every moment we had but I realize now that im nothing special to him. And even if I was it's too late now.

I saw him on and off the page ignoring me and if I hadn't said hello today I bet he wouldn't have sent me a hello anyway. Im glad I got a huge kick in the face of reality today and put my intuition to rest because I was right all along. If someone came on to him, he would not resist. I don't trust him and I don't think I ever could. Not after all of this. It's just over. I almost have to laugh because he is acting like a 20 year old and this is normal for him. He loves it. What a weird way to be. I guess women = sex and nothing else. He sure doesn't need me.

What have I learned here in this whole little drama. You never put someones needs above your own. You never neglect yourself or the people you love because someone isn't being what you need them to be. You never trust someone before they earn your trust. Don't sleep with a guy on the first date. Just dont do it. Make sure the man always loves you more. Be a bad girl. Be snooty, conceited, nervy, bold, audacious, sweet, feminine, prissy, girly tease. Be yourself and dont ever compensate your self or integrity for what if. If the man isn't taking the bait, move on. Only love people who love you....

Im not mad, I just was wrong. He never asks about my kids. He doesn't ask about me my dreams nothing. Its just lol brb im getting drunk... thats stupid to me and pointless.

I found myself being negative all the time, feeling like what is wrong with me? Nothing is wrong with me. I was in my boat paddling so hard on rocks going nowhere, not even in the water. I do care and I hope he finds what he is looking for, im not wasting another minute of my life on this crap. That's what it is. How would my life be improved if we were together? It wouldn't, not in any way that would be different from any other guy. What I loved about him are qualities I can find in someone else. Back to the Marty thing. I learned alot about myself, I never knew I had a jealous streak. I never had to compete for attention or long for affection. I never knew how compuslive I really was until October when he didn't do what he said but still talked to me everyday to be the good guy. My whole identity and self confidence went away because rejection was the main emotion that I felt day after day nonstop and why? I still don't know. Im beautiful and I really do need a devoted and sincere man who adores me and loves me for real. Someone who feels that my happiness is his happiness. I feel that way. I want to love someone and make him so happy and be his angel and devil too... I want to be closer and intimate on a level that I have never known. I want to be comfortable and free to be uninhibited and wild with my husband. I could never feel safe with Steve now knowing what I know. I wish him happiness but it won't be with me.

The most important lesson I took away from this is knowing that I am the only thing in this world that I really own. No one and nothing should shake me. I am the most important person in my world. I take care of me because there is no guarantee of anything else. I love me and respect me and honor me because I know im a wonderful woman who deserves every good thing. Life will deal you many dissapointments, don't let yourself down too. Those words have never been more true. I love you grama. Nickie