Lived and Learned for the LAST TIME

I don't have names or dirty words to say. I have a wound on my heart. To wait for months to meet someone and finally face to face and everything was more than good. I feel like im 13 again and broken hearted over some boy who said all the right things and then left cold. I feel dumb for buying such a load of crap. Take you back east with me, from now on its just you and me, will I see you again hell yes... and as the days pass peeling away from me backing up on his words and taking my secret wish and watching it fall away like the leaves on the trees did at the same time. I see bare branches and I see my raw emotions. Left all alone to cry like some little girl with wounds running so deep that I can't share but hoped to. I wanted someone to turn to, to show me that I wasn't damaged or unlovable. That I wasn't just some faded little flower in the dim light. I can't think of words to explain how I feel. To be ignored flat out and time for anything but me. I have never been treated this badly by anyone. I must be crazy to have gone along with it and bought it all, read into it and my radar must be off the chart, searching for some little clue some little hint that I am important and nothing matters but getting drunk, flirting with any girl who looks his way and soaking up all the adoration from some idiot like me. I feel like a total fool. Throwing my heart out like some schoolgirl just to get it tossed right back no thanks. But tell me how much you love me first... Yes it bothers me very much, he was in my bed, I was the one that took care of him and this is what I get, to have to witness all this and apparently its not a reflection on me, harmless innocent flirting. I must be not worth the hassle, the love of one girl isn't worth giving up all his pointless hobbies. Who would rather sit behind a computer screen than be in person. Thats weird like emotionally crippled weird. Im done with this. I need this man like I need a bag of stones to pull behind me every where I go.

I offered him my love, my heart, my trust, my friendship, my adoration, my life, my kids, my family, everything I had was up for a chance and he would rather walk away. I feel insulted and humiliated and after seven and a half months of talking everyday yes I sure did think it was safe to tell him how I was feeling. By some minute chance that Im taking this all wrong, is it even worth hoping for? NO. Seeing him in person one time in all those months. He lives 5 minutes from me. He makes Rob look like the greatest guy in the world. Driving 3 hours one way every week to see me and then turn around and go back. The gas it must have cost to get here and just the effort. I knew that I was precious to him. It wasn't right for me, but he made me feel normal and not destroyed by divorce. He was open to me and he tried, even if it was in the wrong way and I didn't trust him, he tried.

Im done with this now. Im back to me- and only me- 100%. I have no one in my life, no ones love do I possess at all and Im open to every magical thing that is possible. Im free and available and I won't sit there and cry and wish it was Steve. Steve had every possible opportunity to crash through and be the love of my life and as much as it kills me to realize and say I was so so so wrong, he never gave me the time of day. Im just another one night stand that meant absolutely nothing. Hes cold and empty and that is not what I want or need. I wanted to rescue him and love all his hurts away and he would not let me in so here Nov 1st is where I got totally off. It's over and it doesn't matter if he comes around or not. I dont want to be friends with someone I slept with, someone I wanted to love me and rejected me, I don't want to be friends and secretly wish I was his instead of who im with. It's time to walk away. I have said everything possible, I did everything to please him because I wanted to, I wanted him close to me, I loved him and I loved his body and I adored him and he left me just like every disappointment before.. Im done I can't handle this and Im better than this.

I have kids who need me, I need me, my family needs me, my job needs me, my body and health need me, my dreams need me, my goals need me. Steve doesn't need me at all so this is where I say goodbye. In my heart I know this is over, he jerked me around too long, and now im not warm to it anymore. I don't feel the same and he smashed my affection down until it was dying on the floor and now its no longer there.

The one person in this world that I really love is married with a new baby now. Im not going to be left emptyhanded again. This is not going to happen to me again. I love too much and I give too much and look what has happened. Where do I say enough, Im not going to deal with this. Im not a doormat, Im not something to take for granted. My love is worth gold, my love is worth heaven, my affection and trust are not given freely, it's a gift. I loved his potential, I fell in love with what I needed him to be for me. I ignored all the signs,drinking non stop, secretive, went on a date when i was waiting for months, im sick in side I wouldnt see the truth because I wanted him to be everything. My concerns were all validated last month and I will never let myself be so destroyed over some guy again. And we didn't even have good sex. It was just a moment of passion unplanned and avioded until the last second. Thats what makes me mad. Dude I dont want to marry you I just want some sex. I can't even sleep with him now to say goodbye because who the hell knows where hes been. I saw first hand how he goes and every encounter probably goes like that. He took my sweetest date of my life and made it dirty by ignoring me and treating me like a piece of trash and I hate him for that. I do, my love has turned cold and ugly and now I just want peace and move forward.