IM SAD

He's back Im sure of it--on the thing 3 times today. Not a big deal he thinks I think he's in a hurricane and he didnt clarify... I'll say yes to friends next week-fuck it. I had a great day today and work very productive and strong. Our correspondence was ok- I probably read too much into it. I don't know what the future will hold. Im not isolating myself from the world anymore waiting for him here being a good girl. Im going out and he can watch me have a good time. Just keep my options open and whatever happens happens. In my heart I only want him and no one else will do, but being so overt and open with my feelings has been GOOD at times because he cracked and blew me some kisses hee her haw but I want more... I think that we have passed the safety zone and now we're gonna get hurt if this gets passionate before he leaves. I have my doubts whether we'll meet at all and why I don't know. All I know is Im staying on my plan, being a girl, being a flirt, being cool and my page is awesome and he can read all about me--fucker. Im gonna be lookin good and I know everybody and he will be the one staring at me.. I'll smile at him and be nice and look sad a little bit- Im not doing this again- Im not losing my mind over a guy that was freaking hurtful and I had to get a grip this month all alone and realize that if this was going to happen, it would have already. He has to make it back from a war before we can be together be together.. and would I wait for him if he loved me yes a million times yes but this isn't going to happen. Could we be one of those couples that are friends for a long long time and then hook up like Grace and Loren or is this going to break my heart and be all for nothing. I don't want to lose, I don't want to be the have not anymore, I cant make him love me by throwing myself at him and being so there and available.

What image do I want him to see? Cool, confident, secure, fun, smart, sweet, popular.
What is my strategy? Not needy or posessive, be young fun and single..together
Do I need one? Yes because I am too easily hurt and too sensitive.
What kind of man do I really want? Tall, good, integrity, attentive, thoughtful, sexy, into me
What do I need to feel secure and happy? Time, attention, love, tenderness, be there, concern
What are my deal breakers? Violence, excessive drinking or bad habits, cheater
Do I need to flip out and analyze everything? No- what is he supposed to do and what am I supposed to do? He can't come on to me and tell me all these sweet things and then leave- fuck me and leave- he probably doesn't know what to do about us either.

Just chill the fuck out and be cool, breezy, easy to talk to, sweet, do not get mushy or heart to hearts this just isn't the time now. We should have been together months ago, and months ago I would have been rejected and left because Im so heavy and no confidence in myself. I don't feel sexy right now- I quit walking and working out and that is so back on now. For me, for the way I feel about myself. I want to melt his butter and be real, this is a big gamble right now.

Im sure we both have partying on the mind for this weekend and I would prefer not to run into him just yet--maybe manhattan or coyotes.. I want him to come to me, to beg me to love him, and be someone I can love and trust with my heart. I do care, probably way too much, and really - yeah we will meet probably at the club on accident again or in Nov before he leaves. We will meet Im sure, and he is going to fall so totally in love with me and he probably knows it because I am 1000million times what he needs, I just need to be prould of myself and confident. I do need this time for me- so it's all good for now.

The only thing that would turn me off and walk away is if he left without kissing me. I would be so devistated I couldn't communicate with him anymore. I truly don't think that is any part of this story..

I want him so bad

I know Im fucking up and I need to let this be and just focus on being friends.. He's going to leave me for Iraq and I will just fall apart. If we got together now it would be so passionate, so intense, so out of control with lust and fear I just don't think I can handle this. Im scared now, because I will fall madly in love and I know it. I know how we're going to be together when it's face to face, I won't be able to hold back and this is going to turn into a disaster. I just adore him and now Im gonna love him and have him and then he'll be gone in a war. I am going to be devistated with or without him, im panicking now and I don't know what to do. I couldn't help it, I couldn't help myself. He is so wonderful and sweet and good looking. I've done so good on my plan and look nice- I don't think there is a chance that he won't like me. I really don't and it's only going to get better each day because Im sticking to my style. He doesn't have a prayer and if he wants a hot woman all over him he's got it now.

Every night when I lay down I hold my pillow close to me so tight just imagining and wishing that he be there with me. I feel him turn into me and hold me close and kiss me so tender that Im melting. I could never hold back or turn him away like this because Im on fire for him. All I want in this world is his arms around me, his skin warm and soft close to mine, his kisses all over me, his mouth and hands on my body, his weight on me and dreamy and lost making love to me in my bed. I know I like him, I know Im attracted to him, I know that he's good and sweet and I can trust him with my heart, I this to be real, I want to be a couple and be together and be his. That's what I need, he cannot leave me here like this. And how could he do that to himself let alone me. I just keep thinking about Billy in High School and we were together for 4 years and never did the big thing. That's my real regret because he was the one who loved me and waited for me and did anything I needed him to. I regret not sharing that with him, instead it was a negative thing that was hurtful and a bad memory now and I want Steve, I want to be close to him and share something so magical and special. I just have to be patient and see what happens. I know how I feel and he has to be the man and let me be the woman. Im not going after him, he has to want me and come for me. I have to make it safe and quit telling him all those lovey dovey things. He has to feel safe enough and in control enough to make his move. I just have to chill...

Everything seems different now

He should be back next weekend and it's Labor day the last weekend of summer love. It's been a relief with him gone because I just felt lonely and sad without feeling slighted too. I just feel like I can't do this anymore and our vibe is going to be really detached and no more love letters at all. I can't get my hopes up so high and come crashing down. He doesn't talk about his feelings at all and once in awhile he'll slip up and I can see how much he likes me. I don't want an internet friend, I want something real, I wanted him here with me and Im just really heartbroken. I see this fizzling away now because Im not going to put my heart out there to be ignored anymore. I feel like Im watching my dream and chance of happiness just float away and if I run after it I will be desperate and he has to come get me. What kind of relationship lasts where the woman holds everything together and the man makes no effort at all. I seem to have gotten my grip back this month and maybe I should just accept the fact that Im never going to have any love in my life. Marty that jackass was my love story and now Im just going to be lonely and all by myself until IM dead. All I know is I would have dropped anything, cancelled any plans, done anything to just meet him and do something fun together, now Im so paraniod and afraid of being rejected that I really don't want to. All it's going to be now is lust between us and I wanted to fall in love and be together forever. I thought I found everything and it turned out to be one tear and lonely night after another and summer is over, we missed our time and if I mattered to him he would have been here months ago. Im just devistated and there isn't going to be a part two of that story. If I don't feed the flame it will go out .. Im certain of it, and I can't do what I was doing anymore. It hurts too much to want someone so bad and end up with nothing like I always do. Im too nice, Im too giving, I love people too much and this seems to be heading down the same road as Mike, settle for crumbs and waste all my time and in the end we won't be together anyway. I can't go through that again, I can't survive another disappointment at that level. I guess hoping for a love story of my own was too far out of the plan. And then I take all my frustration out on Jordy. He, of all people, is the one person who truly loves me more than anyone else in this world. He would be destroyed without me and I treat him like shit, like he can't do anything right, I am abusive to him verbally and I hate myself more everytime I finally shut the fuck up. Im tired of being in this world all by myself, I want someone to stand beside me and take the reins once in awhile, but I just don't see it happening. All I wanted was Steve and this can only hurt me now and I have to let him go. How can I be with someone else, that is the problem, because my heart only wants him. My head is saying let this go you are begging for problems if you dont. No matter who Im with in the future I will always wish it was him and that just hurts more than I knew. What was all this for? All I did was have faith in something that wasn't even real and now all I feel is disappointment.

Now I feel better...

So...F*** It! I have some good looking guys as friends too. If he finds my page he might not like it so much either. I tend to stay on the sidewalk and my page is clean and nothing bad, just friends.. I think it's kinda corny to build a network of people you will never see and talk to them like you are friends though. It's addictive and really time consuming and the more good looking friends you have the cooler you feel.... I get it! I would rather spend my time with a person in person, kiss, hug, share, and really be in love.

I really miss talking to Steve every day and just down to the last 10 days now so that makes really exciting. Im going crazy at night time and I would be so turned off if he wasn't too. I want to know that he wants me, that he's thinking about me, and misses me. I feel better and more confident talking to other people and makes me understand that he's not rejecting me, he's holding back. I needed a confidence booster and maybe this was it. Other people have said I was really pretty, it really upset me that he didn't make a fuss when I sent all those pictures. I don't know what his deal is.

Got my heart stomped on a little today

July 25th was the Sunday - No it was Monday at 6pm so he must have sent a friend request on Sunday... after we met at the club and he stayed in all day and recovered. We emailed back and forth all day and I was just elated because we had talked on the phone the night before. I stumbled across a message he sent to a pretty girl in Italy today and it was nothing big, just your pictures are very nice--and he said hello and goodbye in italian. It hurt my feelings to know that I was off on some other planet so happy and excited and he was looking up other friends on the internet. He was a perfect gentleman and he even sent me this website that day to show me. It's just that he was sweet to someone besides me and I just got a lump in my throat and wanted to cry my feelings were crushed. And she's pretty, not some skanky sleez like the other ones she was gorgeous and I imagine he was awestruck. If that's what he likes I can't compete. I sent him all those pictures of me and he didn't say I was pretty. He didn't say anything except Nice on the header. I felt stupid and like I have been fooling my self all along- he won't think Im gorgeous and I realized that he's not mine at all. He's not thinking about me or dreaming about me, it's just attention. It was not a big deal but it really hurt. If he had said something filthy or beligerant I could laugh it off and be angry or hateful, but he was sugary sweet and it in italian being his charming self. He's never said caio bella to me- he didn't say it to her he said buon jiourno and ciao. I said bon jour to him and this is after I said wanna kiss you and sent him that loan approval. This is what I get.. I didn't like it and I wish he never sent me that stupid thing. I would have rather gone around with my head in the sand thinking Im the only one. If he knew this would have devistated me like this would he have sent me that website? No comments after that and nothing to anyone since my sweet letter. Im probably just green monster tripping but I have to be the only one. It''s so impossible for me to trust anyone and when I saw his picture there I was afraid to read his comment and I could just hear doors slamming in my head. I was devistated. And if he knew I was so upset like this he would run for sure... Im a girl and I don't want to compete with anyone, I want to be everything to him and im clearly not if he's checking out other girls for his collection. It made me feel small and insignificant and like nothing I have said really mattered. Im the only one in this romance and I just cried. I think that he has cooled off and Im upside down in love again. This is just going to be some huge disappointment and I can't handle it. I just can't get my hopes all up like this to come crashing down. Im not anything like her and he was smitten I guess. I just want to bawl this is just another let down except I have to wait for more than a year- summer 2007 I guess to get the big blow off. I can't handle another disappointment. I feel like sometimes just wanting to be loved is asking too much. Im always going to be alone and getting older the window for a sweet guy just closes more every day.

I have to stop this because he is driving me crazy. I am completely over the moon and he's not interested in something serious and that's all I can think about. I have to find someone else who wants to be with me and thinks Im wonderful. I am and what is happening? This whole thing has made me 90% lonely and miserable and 10% happy when he promises something that eventually never happens. I have to get out of this and let him go. I can't compete with all these internet hookers and I don't want to. I want a nice man who loves me and no one else and a happy home and life together- I have to see him to be together- imagine that concept- and a boat to be on the water together when the moon and stars are out. What am I doing? Why did I fall so hard for him? And when we get together suddenly Im not going to be attracted to him and want him so bad I can't breathe?? Yeah- and then deal with this shit when Im in love with him. No. I can't do it. I have to let this go.

I really didn't need to see that Steve. You have some great looking photos. He didn't say that to Me.

He's Tall..

He's Tall and sweet and SEXY
with his shades and stare and smile
He's far away in training
and I won't see him for awhile
We talk on the phone and send notes
to each other every day
Over four months of hi and bye and
now Im ready to play
I see his smile, his handsome face
his grin from ear to ear
I knew that naughty look in his eye
I saw him when he came near
Wild and crazy at the club all night
I thought he was wild and really funny
I saw him with my eyes this time
And then on the phone later he called me honey!

It's in the back of my mind that what if Im just all freaked out over nothing and this is not going anywhere. I want a man who is insane over me and can't keep his hands off of me and thinks Im the groovies chick in this world. Im so used to being let down and disappointed and it seems like nothing good will work out for me. I want this- I want a chance - I want a love of my own- I want him. No one I have ever dated at all is like him. He is on one hand wilder and his drinking concerns me- I want to proceed with my eyes open and think about is he right for me. Is he good for me. Do our personalities complement each other or do they clash? Does he compete with me or cheer me on? Is he sensitive and attentive to me or is he more interested in partying? I just want to have the control to get the stars out of my eyes for a second and see him for real. Can I love and respect this person? Does he turn me on? Do I feel comfortable and confident with him? Do I feel like Im cherished and protected? Is he on my side and could he be the one? I want the love of my life, my lover, my friend, my hearts desire. I want my love story and I just need the blinders off long enough to know if he is right for me..

In the office at Midnight...

OMG I called him last night. Just to say good luck because I couldn't sleep. He was very sweet and asked me a ton of questions and I was flustered a little bit because I had everything I was going to say all thought out and couldn't get a word in. Yeah who knows what the future holds. It makes me feel funny because normally the guy is totally flipped out over me and all crazy and I can just tell that he really really likes me. I havn't met steve face to face yet so I have no idea how or what he feels. And he doesn't give an inch. I just adore this man and who knows.. Maybe yes - maybe no- he better come get me when he gets back from this training. He was online for some reason tonight and they were supposed to leave this morning. I wonder what's up with that but no way in hell Im calling him or sending him a message for a month. August is mine to totally focus on me and get rocking. Steve or no Steve I am the one and I have been hidden for too long. I got off the phone last night thinking to myself oh how I love you and it will be absolutely electric when we hook up. The chemistry is there and even just talking and joking around it was thick as theives. It will be a sad day when it's time to go home on our first date.... good times are ahead Im certain. And he is precious and polite and I love his voice with his New England accent. I could listen to him talk all night just cuddled up with the lights low I would never get tired of that.