I hope he understands

I couldn't take anymore of the emotional explosion I have felt these last two weeks so I sent him a page of my journal which was heartfelt and just about what he means to me and I just said I need a little break just for me. I was losing it and crying over little things and this whole reality of me and him was just getting me down. This weekend im going to walk 6 miles, tan, go to the library, get my hair and nails done, back on my normal low carb life, just get myself together and normal because I was off my rocker and that is just no good. I have never been just inside out like that and Im not doing it, I had to put a stop to it because I was driving myself crazy. Cant focus at work, thinking about him 25 hours a day and just feeling rejected and wondering what did I do. Im not up for this at all and I truly just had to remove myself from it and get my head together. This weekend and next week is for me. I have so much sugar in my system right now that my eyesight is bad, I feel awful and sluggish, poofy and yucky. This is no good and I can't stand the way I feel when I have sugar. It's a candy carb od train wreck and Im not flipping out like this over anyone. I just wont do it. I understand the big picture and I know that I am going to be abandoned soon and I just can't deal with it today.

I know I have fallen hard for him, and I didn't mean to but he is so handsome and when I saw him walk up to my door and when he was standing on the sidewalk looking at the highway waiting for me I fell in love. He is my absolute dream come true and he has to leave for Iraq for a year and I dont want to get closer I dont want to get hurt but I couldnt keep my hands off of him. I cant say those words to him, I have a hard time with that anyway, but he knows how much he means to me and even after I said I need some space he still contacted me at work today to check up on me. He understands I know he does, but I cant go through my days falling apart like I was. I have to be stronger and healthy and not cave into comforting myself with bad things whether it be food, porn, the many unhealthy things I resort to sometimes just to hang on. I have to put me first and take good care of me. I have nothing to give when I am drained and feeling empty and tanked over.

I know I did the right thing and this weekend is for me and nothing else. And my baby went to his first high school dance tonight with his girrrrlfriend. Im anxious to hear all about it tomorrow when they get home.

here i go again

I dont know what to do. Im waiting for some sign and act silly and play it off, some sign that he wants me. Im feeling like hes being nice and doesnt want to hurt my feelings but he would rather not talk to me so much. I have never had to wonder if someone cares about me. I have never sat here wondering what is so wrong with me that he doesnt miss me or want to hold me. I feel completely turned inside out and exposed and hurt. He doesn't joke around with me anymore and this vibe is cold. He used to say sweet things and hugs and kisses and now this whole week it was like im talking to the trashman. It's because I told him that my weekend was horrible last weekend and i wanted him with me. No more lovey dovey bs after that he probably thought shes just waiting to get her claws into me and hog all my time. Not true I just want to know that he wants me and that im not wasting my time. My head says fuck him that stupid drunk retard but my heart says please dont drift so far away from me because you are my shining star and im in love and i dont want anyone else. I hate being here alone and he could be here with me right now and tomorrow night too and no such thing. I was making all sorts of excuses to myself for him all summer and he wasn't on the fence at all, he was hosing down other girls. Trust- no. That was one strike that will be hard to never surface.

But I did the worst thing possible - I comforted myself with food every day and ruined all my efforts for all summer in 1 week. I have nursed my little cracked heart and pride and confidence and ego with chocolate and sugar. I won't ever do that again. No matter what, I wont let my own self down and defeat myself like that. Im staying the course and Ill start over and take good care of myself. This shit is rediculous and the worst part is im guessing what he is feeling, he can't flip his feelings a total 360 in a week, and I feel horrible even thinking this way but I was happy when he was gone in august- he wasn't with anyone else- he was working 24-7 and i didn't have to feel rejected when the weekends came and we werent together. I feel horrible saying that i wont have to feel this rejected and lonely when he goes to iraq. It hurts to know that he's 5 miles away from me and could be here with his arms around me and make everything better - and he's not, again every night. I dont want to talk on the stupid computer, I want to be together while hes here. Im in my prime and hes the one I have waited for forever and I just want him here with me.

No More Drama

I think the thing that bothers me the most is how this yoyo's back and forth and I just flat out don't know where I stand. It has really shaken my confidence in myself just being honest and telling him 65% of my feelings. Nothing big or stupid but it seems like when I act like a shit he is very attentive and when Im nice and sweet he doesn't respond to that. Not the way I want him to. I don't need this in my life. I need a man who will stand by me and love my kids and be a part of this. I don't like the high school games because im 36 and I have already been down the bad sad rotten road. Im ready to live on the top of the mountain now and forever. I think im a great catch, all my boyfriends were really handsome, i have a great career and I make more money than anyone I graduated with, i have the whole package and if he would rather kiss this away being drunk every night than invite something good into his world than what is there to do but walk off. If someone was that blind then what good is that to me. I feel defensive like what is so wrong with me that he would rather get drunk then just be with his girl. I don't need this shit and my kids don't need to see me off my rocker because someone wont do what I need them to do. I just want the man to give a care and be my guy. Im tired of this crap and I truly don't deserve to be treated like im less than his dream come true. I put up a good fight and I gave him everything I have and if that isn't enough then fuck it. Someone else certainly will.

Im always sad

Im just wondering what am I doing? I thought we would be together and spend time together but he is drunk every night and it seems like he doesn't need me at all. I have waited so long for a nice guy and I want him around and i feel like I come last. I had a 3 day weekend this past and spend all 3 nights alone I just thought that especially now he would spend some time with me. I can't compete with alcohol and I feel like a gullible idiot because I believed every word he said and we still talk every day and I just wanted more. He doesn't want anything serious it seems and if im mean and back off then he will make his move but being nice just gets me nowhere it seems. I dont want to be nice. I want someone who is going to care about me and be around and here for me and hes not. I feel sad and confused and lonely and I get scared when im here by myself and im afraid to ask him to come over because hell say no. I wanted to bring him some dinner last week to the gate and he didnt want to meet me there for being drunk. I feel like im turning myself inside out for this and for what. We had such a good time together and our date was perfect and I just thought we would be together. I cant compete with drinking and I comfort myself by eating and this whole thing is just no good for me. My goal and all my progress went to dirt last weekend and now I just feel horrible about everything. I have to get a grip on myself and not be so affected by this and fall apart when he doesnt do what i need him to do. I want a husband someday and a friend and a partner and a shoulder to cry on sometimes and someone to be close to on a heart to heart level and as much as I truly sincerly wanted it to be him I really have my doubts now and it hurts and I have already cried enough and I just feel empty and isolated and sad. This sucks and love is defintely equalling pain this year. I need to toughen up and move on because this isn't good for me. I'll act like a shit tomorrow and who knows... I just want the man around me and in love with me and feel cherished and essential and why can't I have that?

Im so in love with this man

Well this is it until he leaves for iraq. Im not a spectator in this anymore and it's for real now. I love him and our date was perfect and he's crazy about me and he said im done with dating from now on it's just you and me. He melted my heart and we are wild over each other and everything is wonderful. So now it's real im not wishing and hoping anymore and it feels odd to get my way and my dream came true and I got what i wanted all this time. him. Thank you Jesus he is my dream come true. No more spilling the beans and wishes and dreams, it's for real now and private.

My mom is so smart

I feel better now after talking to her. I told her what was bothering me without telling her this because I don't want her to have any opinion at all before meeting him later on if it goes good. She laid it on the line that I should have been playing the field too all this time and not get so hung up on one person like this before we actually meet and have an idea of whether we like each other.. she said what he has done up until the time he meets you in person is irrelevant because he's single and no one ever said I couldn't do the same thing. She made so much sense and it's just that Im so crazy about him and we talk every day I just assumed that I was on his mind non stop like he is mine and I was devistated to find out he had a life beyond me... our time will start when we meet and don't judge him on what he has done before then because it's really none of my business and he's with me now and cares obviously. I was the one who had my heart set on him and no one else would do and that just got me unraveled because it was premature and now it looks like everything is going to be ok anyway. What would I do without my mom, and I know he cares for me and we have heart strings but saturday will be the big day to see if there is any chemistry between us. I do feel better and I never realized I have such a jealous streak. Ouch!

WTF AM I DOING

Im trying so hard to not be affected or hurt by the fact that he told me he went on a date in July. But I am and I can't help it and this just changes things for me. I don't know if I want to go through with this now. I feel deceived and I don't know how to not feel that way because while I was saying be superman and how will we ever hold back and dont you feel lonely for me like I do he was really planning a date with someone else letting me go on and knowing how I felt and how I was waiting and assuming it was just me and him. Im just crushed, I dont want to be his second choice, I don't like feeling jealous and ugly and terrorized like this. All this waiting just made me so self conscious like the whole world was going to cave in if he didn't like me and now I don't even want to go, I don't give a hoot because I would have never done that ever to him. Im just gonna cry and be pissed off the whole night and this is our first date. And im so afraid of being rejected that I don't even want to meet him now. I feel really confused and we need to talk about this and how can I fight with someone I never even met yet. I swear to god I will never do some stupid fucking internet dating again. This has been a draining suck my confidence end up nowhere with nothing trip. I made him into some fantasy and he's just a guy looking for who knows what.

WELL IT'S ON!

I'M SO SHIVVERY SPAZZY EXCITED. Oh how I adore this man and we are going on a date woohoo! He's tall and handsome and ornery and fun and a gentleman and sweet and naughty and im dizzy and can't sleep. Im going to try my very hardest to just behave and be cool and just think of us as friends and not go off the deep end. If everything goes good I will just melt like butter the *Next* time. It feels weird to be getting my way when I have been waiting and acting like whatever for so long. I think we should just go out and have fun and enjoy our time we have together now and drink and party down and just worry about forever later on. He doesn't even know how much he's gonna love me because I am the shit! Im gonna leave that boy dizzy and breathless and I am so not kidding!

*G*T*H*!

This is so something. I told him to go to hell on saturday morning and I had just had enough after seeing all that crap. I was honest and told him how it made me feel and now he has been so sweet to me and we're going on a date on Saturday. I just adore this man and I can't help it and it scares me. Im so happy this this is happening now the way I wanted but im scared because what if I fall in love and then hes leaving for so long. I just feel like either way I lose. And I appreciate him being honest and up front in telling me he went on a date in July. Nothing obviously happened but when he told me that last night when he called me my heart just sunk. We got off the phone after an hour of giggling and cutting up and I just held the phone and stared at the wall for the longest time. So while I was telling my family he was just so busy with his job he was really talking to other girls besides me and took one of them out. It's not a huge deal because we arent together, but I was hurt just the same because I would have never said the heartfelt things I said, and I just assumed he was so busy with working and this must have been what he meant when he said lets play it by ear. There was about a two week period in July right before he left and it was kinda cold and odd and this is why. It hurt that he knew how I felt and didn't tell me that I wasn't his only friend when I asked him so many times what is this and he kept saying we were going out.. Hearing that was like a biting aligator going down my throat and I just froze, it hurt, but he obviously is bothered by it enough to tell me the truth and now making certain he is being attentive. There are lots of red flags here and Im old enough to be smart. I can't be so worried about how he feels about me when we are together but pay attention to who this is and could I trust him and could I respect him and love him. I just don't know, but we're gonna have fun and find out. I am so excited and a little scared too.

i cant believe this im so stupid

Why do I see what I want to see in people instead of the truth. Why am I in denial 99% of my waking moments. He's calling girls gorgeous all over that board and I was just shocked almost disbelieving what I saw. Tears running down my face reading this shit. We're not together, I shouldn't be so jealous but I have been waiting for 6 months for him to see me. Dreaming about him and holding my pillow tight imagining him there and for what? I can't believe I did it again. I just have to stop this. I have make myself not think of him as someone for me. I wanted him to love me and make this hell called my life better. Im back to nothing. And yeah we talk everyday and I just act like whatever. Do what you want because I am. I feel stupid and I wish I could take back every nice thing I ever said because it was for nothing - AGAIN. And Im 5 minutes away- he doesn't have to talk to some sleezebag on myspace. Im banging my head against the wall trying to make someone available to me who is clearly not available at all.

Just THINK. What am I going to say? Things aren't the same and I started to go back to the sweet stuff when I sent him that picture of me and him yesterday. Yeah he likes to be flattered but theres nothing in this for ME. That's it. I said everything I could say and all I wanted was him all this time and he just like Marty had time for everything but me. So now I don't think of him as a love interest. Or I won't after today. I am brokenhearted and everyone is going to say I told you to not put so much stock in someone who wouldn't give you the time of day. I can't believe this was all for nothing - 6 months out of my 36th year. And now I have to start all over from zero with someone new. My heart says I love him and my head says Im an idiot because hes drunk every weekend and then flirting with these whores and not hiding it very well or maybe that's my clue that he's not interested in anything real. I want something real. I am just destroyed seeing him flirt and say flattering things to other women. I felt like I could be sick reading that. Im a fool and I want someone who loves me and only me.

YOU MOTHERFUCKER

I DONT BELIEVE THIS SHIT. I gave up a date with Craig fucking Paxton for this idiot and what for. I get on there tonight after being sick all weekend while he didnt contact me at all- he sends some chick from Texas two messages and very very nice-- this is what I have been waiting for since April and wasted all this time. I don't feel anything but pissed off because he shouldn't have let me go on if he had no intention of anything and he knew how I felt and flirting like that. This was a waste of time and I'll have a good cry and walk it off tonight and move on. I don't deserve this from anyone and what in the hell does he think Im dumb and don't read this stuff..Duh. Steve You Dumb Drunk Fuckhead!

Enough..

I can't do this anymore and Im doing it to myself. He's not communicated with me at all since he's been home except whatsup how are you which means he was getting completely anialhated this weekend and no room for me. He has no intention of meeting me until the very last second and part of me does understand and the other part is furious. He should have stopped me early on when he knew I had feelings for him but he let me go on and on - I didn't feel strung along until now because he knew exactly how I felt about him. Now Im angry and I just don't want to communicate at all anymore. He should have told me that he's not looking for anything serious months ago and just been honest because I was. Who's to say he hasn't been all over some skanky females and he could have spent the night with someone last night for all I know. If I ever found out that was true I would be so sick inside I would never talk to him again. That would destroy any feelings I had. I don't feel the same now, I can't explain it but I don't. It seems like anything is more important than me and that's just how I felt when I was married. Im so turned off now this is just done. It made me feel rejected constantly and I constantly questioned what is wrong with me. I don't deserve that and all this waiting was so unfair to me. I feel like Steve is not what Im looking for because I can read between all of this to see that he drinks way too much and he conceals his feelings and can be very insensitive. He didn't miss me or think about me in August. He was relieved as I was to get away. I was happy when he was gone and that bothers me the most.