THE WALK OF A GODDESS

"Everything beautiful is expected of me. But I am no longer the woman who was noble. I feel I could kill to defend my only happiness on earth. I have to have a love for myself alone. Never before have I stood at such a crossroad, between my primitive emotions and my noble impulses" -Anais Nin

"There is no doubt that whatever I desire strongly I must do or it kills me" -Anais Nin

I just soak this in like a sponge. A change has come over me and I love it. I walk much slower now and my senses are alive and singing. I close my eyes and my skin is sparkling with life, I can feel him touching me and kissing me and holding me so close. My whole life has been about being pleasing and being a good girl everybody's darling and look at what I have. I have built such a mote of sugar around me I feel sticky and want to cry for fear of not being everyone's darling. I don't care about that anymore. I could leave it all behind to cleave on to something real. It's not that I want a man around me, I want my Steve.

Yes sweet tender passion making love to him forever but I also want to be closer and secure and open to be me. I want a love that is so true that Im not ashamed or afraid to be myself and invite the man I love into my world. I need him to keep up with me. What I love is soft reassuring tender sweet beginnings and I see myself losing all senses and going wild and out of control and I want him to bring that out in me. I want to share that with him because all I have ever done is hold back. Hold back from love, hold back from life, hold back from fear. I don't want to be afraid anymore. I want to love this man so completely that there is no one else in this world but him. I want to give that gift to him. I can't help the way I feel because I love everything about him. Baby heaven is banging down your door. I have never been this way before and he did this. It's about him and it's for him and I am living for the day Im safe and I know in my heart that he loves me and only me.

I like the way my skin feels
I like the way my hips feel when I lay in my bed dreaming about him
I love the way my body aches to join his
I am so in love with this man how will we ever hold back
I love my hair the way it falls on my shoulders and down my back
I love my eyes and mouth and imagine wonderful nights
I can look people in the eye what have I ever done that is so bad?
My bad girl days are here and I can't wait to smother him with naughtiness
I think about sex all day from morning to night and I just want to be close to him
I want to be his every fantasy and leave him faint and breathless
When I am the only thing that will satisfy him, my touch is all he craves
I love you and I want you and I want to make you happy and be the love of your life
I want that I need that this is my only wish to be his forever and ever. I love you Steve
I can't tell you how you have kissed my whole life and made it fun and anxious
and exciting for me. He is the star in my sky baby. I could never love someone and
admire and respect and look up to another man more than my Steve. He is the real
thing and he's mine.

I don't know where my baby is

He might be back in the field for all I know his little happy face isn't on all week. He's not there, he's not partying, he's not sleeping. They might have put him back in the field and no telling when that will be done. It's hot, it's exhausting, it's hell outside now right at 100 degrees and my neighbor is in the service and she leaves at 6 and sometimes not home until 9 at night and she has a little one and she's pregnant. I know the army is tough and that makes me really proud of him - this sucks and it's hard and of course he would rather be with me. I did send him a message today- just hello, Ive been really busy and hurt my wrist.. no begging please come put me out of my misery haha. He's so wonderful and yummy. He's perfect for me and I want a chance. Just the thought of never kissing him or being in his arms, see him look over and wink at me with his dreamy sad sexy eyes. He is a MAN and that shoots me off to the moon. How could you ever not want a soldier after seeing how dedicated and strong they are inside and out. Im so proud of him and scared for him, scared for me, but these guys are the reason, they make it possible to enjoy our lives and live happy and free. No one else is gonna do but him so I just have to have faith and hope he's ready for a wild one haha. It will be a sad day when it's time to go home after our first night out together. Im gonna be a Steve magnet :o)

The only thing that makes sense.........

Im the only one in this love affair. Im not a priority and what else can I do or say. I know he's a soldier and busy and not alot of time. I told him how I felt about this in a good way and not demanding before he left. There is nothing I can say now either he will make time for me or he won't. I now he's back and not on internet at all so he has to be busy and catching up with everything. He said we would have a date at the end of the month when he got back- well Steve that is today. July is Friday. This is so unfair and I just want to cry because I don't want anyone but him. Im not emailing him, Im not calling him, maybe he won't even care and be a relief like maybe I gave up finally. I feel like an idiot being sweet and being myself and he is not giving me anything back to hold on to. I feel so sad inside and Im mad and him and at myself. I've never even met the man how can he be the bad guy. I didn't have to flip all out and be obsessed over him I did that myself. He's so right for me though and now I feel like a total dumbass. He will call me up one of these days Im sure and what Im afraid of the most is that it will be right before he has to leave and then how could I possibly make a decision on whether I would wait for him all the while he is in Iraq. If I did and he turned out to be not for me I would lose the chance to move on. If I didn't wait and he really was the one for me then I would doubly lose. I need to know about him. I need to know alot of things because I already care and Im already involved. Im scared of being left here my heart pounding in love and not enough information either way to know what the hell to do. I don't want to cuss or be mad at him, that's not fair either. Im so confused now and this is not helping at all. I want him to keep his word and come get me because once he does he'll never let me go.

IM GETTING PRETTY FUCKING TIRED OF THIS

Did he forget Im here? No sign of anything and Im tired of getting my hopes up and come crashing down. I refuse to reach out to him again first this is bullshit. To make me wait 3 months to meet face to face when we live 5 minutes apart. Fuck this and fuck him too. This makes me feel like Im just entertainment. Someone to boost his ego and nothing in it for me. Im not doing this. Im angry and insignificant. I care and I want to be with him and Im tired of not knowing what is going on and being left in the dark and no contact and guessing and analyzing everything. Im tired and I am not playing this game. This is mean and insensitive and maybe Im mad for no reason and how would I know. I already send a complaint and said everything I need to say. It's up to him now and if he doesn't want to be with me then I will have to accept it and move forward. Im a beautiful girl and I deserve someone who will cherish me and protect me and all I want in this world is Steve. Im not going down this road again and loving someone from a distance and no love back to me. I will not do it. Im tired of the bad guys wining I want a love of my own, I want hot steamy love and kisses and make out all night long, I want a shoulder to cry on, I want someone to hang out with and cook for and laugh with everyday. Im lonely and sad and feel ignored and laughed at like Im a joke. Like lets see how much she'll take. No self respecting person would wait around for nothing and feel so blue. Please don't let me down too. I want you and I don't want to get over you too. he better hurry the fuck up because as soon as Crissy gets home I'll never be around anyway.
And all I want in this world is to go to Paris. I'm going but it would be really wonderful to not go alone :o)

This is what has got me spinning...

He is due back here any second now. His little smiley isn't on yet but it will be at midnight Im sure. How can he hold back like this knowing that there is someone who wants him bad. Is it a Libra thing, I know his schedule has been crazy, but Im talking about curiosity and SEX. Yeah that's right. Im baffled and Im wondering what is going on. Is everything ok, of course it is. I can see how big his hands are in those pictures and I am a very much alive and healthy young woman. Here is this huge gorgeous handsome take my breath away and give me goosebumps can't sleep at night hold on to my pillow for dear life in my bed. I want him. I want his hands and his kisses all over me and I want to be close and lost and on fire and together. I don't know if this is wrong or right, I don't know if I am a million miles ahead of him, I don't know if he layed there in his own bed in Rhode Island and wished I was there and dreamed about me too. I dreamed he kissed me that night that we accidently got on the phone together. I am just beside myself with just longing for him I want him. I want his chest touching my chest and his mouth kissing mine, I want his hand holding my hand, I want his arms holding me close and sweeping my hair back to kiss me again and again, I want to be nervous and scared and look in his eyes and know that I can trust him and then love him. He is so perfect for me my bones are on fire for him and my skin is tingly all over just aching for him to hold me close. What am I going to do when it's time to undress me and undress him, when our hearts are pounding so strong and lips quiver and little tears come to my eyes because I found the man of my dreams and I did. And he takes me in his arms and the whole world stops spinning and there is no one else in this whole world but me and him. And to be close to him as close as we can be and lost and warm and satisfied and sleepy. Im living for the night we steal away and make this real. Please God don't let anything go wrong. He is so right for me and I think Im right for him, so far everything seems perfect for us. Please make this happen and let me love the one who loves me. That's my wish and my prayer. Now and always. Nikki and Steve I love the way that sounds.

So what Im gonna do is walk walk walk so my legs are strong strong strong and firm and sexy. Do my toning and low carb which works 6 days a week and on Sunday just like today - it's french for me and lots of chocolate and wine and bread and everything I love to cook in little managable gatherings. Im going to Paris and I only want to go with him. I saw barefoot in Paris and also got the cookbook from the Library I am so alive when it comes to Parisiene and French living and dining. I want that so bad and Im going there no matter what!

I'm just gonna do my own thing here.....

He'll be arriving back at Ft Riley sometime tonight I think. Im just making an uninformed guess so I shouldn't worry too much about it I guess. Im excited and counting down the minutes until we can be together and then I think he could have called me at some time during these two weeks and then I want to cry. It seems like this is all one sided and maybe it's not but I honestly would have no way of knowing. My chest hurts and my eyes are teary because I know where I want to be and it hasn't happened for us yet. Im not waiting past next weekend. That's it for me. 3 months is long enough to wait for a first date and I feel like Im building up a person to be my dream and answer to my wish and really I don't have a clue what he is really like. He could be rude and mean for all I know so I think it's best to focus on me instead of him every second. I want to but it seems silly over a person who has never held my hand or had a real conversation together yet.

He'll be surprised to not have messages from me- there are only two. I just couldn't wait around like a puppy like I did in May to be ignored and empty. He has to meet me half way to be with me and Im hoping he will realize how sad I was and frustrated and enough to not do it again. I don't know if he will care or how he will interpret that but hopefully well. I made a promise to myself that I wouldn't contact him first anymore. My emails are going to be replies or nothing. I want him to respect me and love me and maybe more and throwing my heart out there like a silly girl hasn't accomplished anything except I know that he has a genuine fondness for me. But I want more and we deserve more because this is a good thing and I know it. I just have to be smart and cautious.

I watched the Homecoming program on Discovery and realized that I am already involved. Too much to walk away. All those soldiers coming home to their families and emotions were raw and I realized that this is where I want to be. It's a hard life and dangerous, but I want to be a part of his life and he is someone I truly admire and I would love him heart and soul I know I would with no hesitation. So... what can I do but keep busy and believe in this and believe in him that he is a man and he will come for me. I want that more than anything. I can't stay here pacing the floor counting the seconds though. I couldn't stand that myself, I just need to know that I am essential and that he's mine.

My feelings are so strong and real for me. And then I think what do I bring to his life? Stability, kindness, bellydancing, laughs and giggles, hot tender passion only for him, a partner so that he doesn't have to worry about providing everything, Im cool, Im very pretty, Im smart and sensitive, Im every good thing and I know this, sweet and easy to talk to, faithful and strong willed, honest and true. Self sufficient, capable, easygoing, softhearted, love adventure and most of the same things but Im kind of out there and exciting. Romantic and mushy and then wild and full of fury. I like me for the first time in my life I am content with who I am and who I have become all on my own. I have high standards and good morals, no kooties haha, everything is grand and Im 36, a grown woman and not afraid to speak my mind and ask for what I need. He won't have to guess or play games. Im a great mother and friend. I think I am the whole package and we would be happy together. I deserve someone wonderful in my life who will share a happy home, open his heart to me and love me and no one else. I believe I am worthy of something beautiful and my sweetest wish is that it's Steve.

Are you a good witch or a bad witch..

~~~Enchanted One~~~

*Dyslexic devil worshippers sell their souls to santa*
*All acts of love and pleasure are my rituals*
*Come out come out where ever you are*
*Eve was framed*
*Harm no one. Do what ye will*
*Here I am! Now what were your other two wishes?*
*Where there's a witch there's a way...*
*Step right up..and risk rejection. Set sail towards your dreams*
*Saw it, wanted it, had a fit, got it!*
*The GODDESS is alive and MAGIC is afoot*

I am such an idiot

I am in love with this man and we have not even met face to face. I am totally inside out aching for this man and all I have seen are his million pictures and talked for 3 months. I feel teased and tortured so much I could just cry and all I want in this whole wide world is for him to take me in his arms and kiss me so that I know everything is ok. I can't believe I have banged my heart out there so far and if he doesn't go crazy over me I will be so devistated. Why did I do this to myself, how did this happen and damn don't you ever learn? And what do I do my heart is completely strung up I couldn't turn back and walk away now if I had to. My imagination is going nuts and I want him with me close to me just safe and warm, nothing even physical, I just want to be near him. He is on his way back here right now and we are planning to meet and I am feeling 80 emotions and I don't know which way is up. I look at him and his eyes are soulful and I see so much more than just a handsome man I don't even know how to explain it. It's more than just attracted. I ache to feel him close to me and to feel his kiss warm on my lips and tingles a million shivers all over. What on earth am I gonna do if he doesn't love me? Everything I have dreamed for is right there and I feel so much more than just a crush. He is offering me my happy ending and something new and beautiful that I want so much. Please be every wonderful thing that I think you are and then love me. Love me like you have never loved any woman before. He really truly is my knight in shining armour.

He brought to life this goddess in me

All the glory of the moon I draw into me
This moon that glistens tonight by the sea
All magic in his kiss
May light the sparkle in my eyes
Awaken the woman in me
She has been aslumber now I realize
This tingle in my skin
As I crave his tender touch
Pull his heart towards me
This passion I feel so very much
He's a man all alone
In this dangerous cruel world
The goddess in me was born through him
A woman is she no longer a girl
Come to me now
I can ease your mind and fears
Peace and love I bring to you
My touch my love my body so near
Touch me with your tender touch
Kiss me tender it's never too much
Your love and affection are my sweetest dream come true
Every beautiful thing I see in only you
I'll take what I want
As you give me your love
The angels are singing for us
In our heaven up above

WHERE BEAUTY LIES a new mother's poem

Where Beauty Lies

Not the whispered wings of butterflies
Nor the golden hues of sweet sunrise
Your lips, your cheeks, your nose, your eyes
This is where true beauty lies

A Prayer For My Steve

My father in heaven
Thank you for this gift
Watch over my Steve this night and always
And keep him safe from harm
This man that I adore
Bring him to me with a pure and open heart
And I will love him evermore

I AM A GODDESS DRAWING DOWN THE MOON

The moon is full tonight against the palest softest shade of blue
It shines it's glory everywhere I see
It shines it's glory inside of me
God, Your creation is beautiful and tonight I give you thanks
For a wonderful life both good times and bad,
And I ask for a happy future
So tonight
My beautiful moon
Shine your magic into me again
Fill my heart, my soul, my body and mind
With light, clarity, truth, courage and goodness
Shine into me, I take in all the glory of this night.
Your magic so strong and lasting I ask this of you now...
God shine your light into me
Fill me with confidence, strength, courage and grace
Let me be whole and good and beautiful from the inside out.
Let my light shine so brightly that Im unaffected by the
dissapointments in my life.
I have found someone to love and I don't know
If he is the one for me
Show me clarity so that I make sound decisions.
I don't want to be afraid of love or being intimate or afraid
to trust someone I care for.
Make me so strong and brave that I may never make someone
new responsible for let downs of the past
Let me l0ve the right man as if my life up until this point has
been an endless summer day.
Make me a good mother,
a good wife able to love someone completely heart body and soul,
a good friend filled with charm, influence and a character to model,
make me a wonderful lover that I can be sensitive trusting and
loving enough to be open, free and devoted completely and
unashamed or modest with my husband
Tonight I take into me all the glory of the moon
Shine your beauty, your mystery and charm into me so brightly
that I become every good and lovely thing I was meant to be
Let me love and live and laugh in the magic of the moon always
Every day of my life. Amen
filled with charm

FULL MOON MAGICK

Red= Passion and Creativity
Blue= Peace Wisdom Integrity
Orange= Career
Brown= Friendship
Green= Healing and money
Violet= Spirituality
Black=Banish Negativity
Yellow=Intellect
Silver=Psychism


All the goodness of the earth, the stars and heaven above
Shine on me and bless my life and bring me my true love
Guide me, show me, teach me Give me spirit strong as steel
Keep me soft and tenderhearted so this beauty I may always feel
That I may fear nothing and no one. That I will have courage
to be anything I want to be. Let the past lay quiet and let the
little girl live forever who resides inside of me. Awaken the goddess
the woman in me give her strength boldness and integrity, that I
will be all I was meant to be. Let me live free and blessed and loved
all the days of my life. So shall it be.. Sept 2000

LOVE YOURSELF BECAUSE I MADE YOU

Love yourself because I made you and I did not put you here to suffer....

Those words came to me when I was praying for an answer this morning. I feel like the only way I can have peace and not be affected by what that hideous excuse of a human being did behind my back is to walk away from my family and have no connection with my dad. I can't do that, I would break my Grama and Grampa's hearts and they would be disappointed in me for letting her win. I hate her, I hate what she did, and she never said Im sorry so how does forgiveness play out here. She turned it around to make me look like the bad one for holding a grudge. I think that this grudge is so valid I can only laugh. I don't have problems with anyone in my life at all, only people who violate my trust and I can't accept this and just let it go. I don't want her in my life, I could never trust her for a second, I don't want to trust her or give her a chance to meddle and stir the water ever again. She does any hurtful thing she wants to to all of us and then gives my dad some big song and dance and he believes her because he is weak and she is the breadwinner. I never thought I would say that but I feel disappointed in my dad for not ripping her apart for hurting me like this. He stood there and let her terrorize our entire family and make everyone miserable just looking out for himself. I will never say those words again because I love my dad, but I see him as a man with weakness in this situation and that makes me sad. My dad was always my biggest hero, he had the answers to everything and he was sweet and good, but she makes him look like a fool and what is he supposed to do throw away his security and whole life because she is dishonest? I see my dad as a man and not a God in this situation and that makes me really sad because I love him so much. And he did fight medusa for me many times. He always was a dad first and a husband second. I know my dad loves me and that's why I carry on. I won't make him pay for the deceitful ugly things she did. But it kills me inside to play her game and come around. Therein lies the problem that I just can't resolve by myself. I needed God to give me an answer because I don't know what to do. I don't know how to let this go and move forward. I will never trust her again, and yesterday proved me right once more. All she has is a fist full of lies and I just don't have any place for her in my life or my future. Not beyond good manners and peacekeeping for my dad's sake. I have a mom who loves me and understands me and she is the biggest gift of my life. For my children and my mother I am grateful beyond measure.

God gave me my answer this morning. LOVE YOURSELF BECAUSE YOU CAME FROM ME.
There is nothing wrong with standing up for yourself. Tina showed me that, even if she was wrong and made a mistake, "Im not going to take that from anyone". She may get on my nerves sometimes and I question her ethics but I respect her as a person and I respect her strength and courage. I think one of the reasons God put another strong nasty woman figure in my life is to show me another example of humanity. She's wrong, rotten at times and stubborn, but she does alot of things right too and she makes time for her faith and her heart is good. Sometimes I don't like Tina but I value the lessons I have learned from her. Alanna I just plain can't stand. She is the truest example of someone who feels cheated so it's ok to go around being a holy terror to everyone and her fat paycheck buys everything and everyone - except for me.

God gave me clarity I was desperate for this morning. Stand up for yourself, be honest and good and trustworthy. *Be* the change you desperately need in the world. It starts with you and you can more than do it because you are everything good and beautiful because you came from GOD. We'll never be close again, not enough to give her a chance to hurt me. But Im a grown woman and I have everything I need on my side, I can set boundaries, I can have self respect and honor, I can be strong and assertive when I need to be. And if need be, I will go down fighting because I believe in this cause. Im not going to let someone get the best of me again. In this relationship I can't let my guard down, we can't be friends, we can't be close. I can get along and be civil and good because I love my dad and it's the right thing to do.

Right now in this moment I know Im a child of God. I believe with no hesitation that he hears every word I say and every thought that passes. Thank you for helping me and loving me because I know that you do. I have something dear to my heart right now thanks to you and I want to protect it and cherish it and you above all understand. Amen and thank you.

He Kissed Me in my Dream

We were sitting close to each other, he was sitting kind of on a coffeetable and I was on the sofa next to him and we were facing each other and just talking and laughing and giggly & giddy. He would look at me and I would look up at him and smile and sparks were flying and both of us were wanting to and holding back. I was talking and he just leaned over gently and I knew what was happening and softly he kissed me. He was tender and sweet and I couldn't remember what we were talking about all I could do was put my arms up around him and pull him closer to me. It was sweet and Im so happy that I remembered my dream. I want this so much and I want him. I can't wait until it's the real thing :o)

My Future Is Mine and Invitation Only --Period

I did so good today and I know that Im mature and thinking straight. Just sharing something soecial with my dad telling them a little bit about someone I like. Immedialtely she chimes in with her big hook snout fatass and says something about leave the past in the past... I come back with the truth - I of all people have got that one down. I don't want or need a god damn word from her and she knows it. My life and whomever I chose to be with is mine. My family is not even relevant to my personal life. Any thing that Steve and I might have together is between us and that's all. That is true for anyone I end up with because honestly I have no idea if this is going to be something we both want. How could I know. My dad is concerned and wants me to be happy and that's why I told him. I should be able to share little things with them. But the truth is IM 37 years old and I can do whatever the hell I want to, I don't explain myself to anyone and If I make one mistake after another it's only my own fault. She will never get a chance to interfere in my life again. I won't let that happen. Ever. And Steve or No Steve I want my own life away from my leechy nosey meddling family more than anything. I love them to death and I cherish all the good times we have had but I want my own life far away from here where I can come home once in awhile and visit and leave all the BS behind right here. I hope Steve and I end up on the sweetest silver lined cloud, but that's a wish. I don't know if we will hit it off, get along, be dying for each other that way. That's what I want, I want to marry my knight in shining armour, the love of my life, the one that I just cannot live without, and then I want a life that's just us. He knows how I love my kids and we're a package deal for right now, but even those days are limited. And then it would just be us and that's what I want. I want the love of my life, I want my love story, I want to marry my best friend, the flame in my fire, the one who I can be myself with 100% and be accepted and loved. I want to be everything to him and spoil him rotten and I'm going to marry the one that I love with every beat of my heart with eyes open and and thinking strong and clear. That's the only way for me. To love someone heart body and soul. I can't have it any other way.

He Has To Realize It Was Me By Now! :o) Yeah!

I want so much to call him and tell him all about it. But Im scared and nervous and it was an honest mistake. I had two post it's with cell numbers for Steve on my desk and I called the wrong one! And it was my baby! Think! Think! Think! I have to be cool and when he asks me why I didn't just call him back I'll tell him I was kinda scared to because I didn't want him to think I was playing games. If I was going to call him it would have been late at night when I had a nightmare, not when he was a zillion miles away and couldn't come to me. He has to remember by now that he did give me his cell when we planned our date that time and he just has to know it was me. He will. And I will be sweet and shy and melt his heart. This is his time for family and here I have him all to myself and 5 minutes away so no I don't want to call up there. I just don't want to and he may not appreciate it anyway. So, Im glad it happened because I wanted to hear what his voice sounded like. He was kind of shitty and irritable and it made me happy to hear him. I thought well this explains alot! Steve doesn't do a damn thing he doesn't want to... He's not a softie all the time, that told me if he fell in love with me he would defend me and protect me. He's solid and no bs just like me. That conversation told me alot- even how brief it was. And even though I was my sweet talking self, he didn't flirt with me, but when he said my name his whole tone changed and he was sweet. I know he likes me alot, and everything is cool. So don't act like an idiot, explain what happened and charm him. It's not the end of the world, it's the beginning of the world if he loves me. And Im happy that I crossed his mind at home in a good way. That told me all I need to know. Thanks fairy godmother for making this happen somehow. I love my baby. I just want a chance and he will be adored and loved from my heart.

OMG I TALKED TO MY MAN TODAY

He didn't even know it was me! He likes me I can tell by the way he said my name. And he didn't flirt with a sweet talkin woman behind me.... I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU A MILLION TIMES I LOVE YOU

The Dimming Of The Day

Your love I so ache for
your touch on my shivery skin
Your kiss fills my soul
with sweetness, I long to feel
you hold me close my Steve
I pray this will never end

Tonight Im missing you
I watch the fireflies
dance and sing their song
Under this moon tonight
In my arms is where
you'll always belong

I wish and dream
you'll come crash through
and hush my sadness
my affection is so true
we should be together
In my heart there's only you

You pull me like the moon
pulls on the tide
I sing this song from
my heart to you
You know just where I
keep my better side

Come the night you're
the only one I want
The night is so long
without you near me
Why don't you come
ease your mind with me

Im living for the night
we steal away
I need you
at the dimming of the day
I need you
at the dimming of the day

Nicole

CHERRY CHERRY!

He should be there by now and I am so happy that there is no message from me. This is his time to spend with his family and relax. We are 5 minutes apart and they are a thousand miles + apart so that I can be happy for him. I'll be here when he gets back and that makes me feel lucky and sweet. I have done so good doing my own thing and just chilling out. I can be honest here because this is only mine. He needs to get himself in gear and make this happen. I can't
take any more waiting when he is a wink away from me and not here. I am so ready to give up
because I just don't think he wants to be with me in person. Or anyone. Im tired of guessing and
analyzing everything to death because I've done this before and for nothing. I mean it- If I don't
know how he feels about me by the end of the month then I am out of this and I mean it. I need
a life and I want something special with him but if he isn't receptive to me then what can I do but back away. Im not going to make myself out to be a fool over someone who won't give me the time of day so this is it. Jeff emailed me from Vegas with his laptop so Im sure Steve took his
along. I can't wait to hear from him but what if I don't. I'll do what I have to do and that's it. He
should be sending me a hello because he said he would. Im doing atkins for the summer and going to lose 58 pounds by end of summer no matter what. Im excited about that and I will be
looking good any way this breeze might blow. Im not going to turn myself inside out for someone
who doesn't know how they feel about me ever again. I came up empty handed with a heart smooshed into nothing and it hurt. It hurt me at such a level I won't do it again. I will not love
someone who doesn't love me. I will not do it so please Steve be every wonderful thing that I
believe you to be and make everything right. Make this happen for me because I want it to and I want you.

I THANK MY LUCKY STARS FOR MY STEVE

I never thought this would happen. When my little romance with MW fell apart when he went to Emporia I just knew that my life was over and I would grow old and never find someone to love from my heart. I was so sad because I didn't believe there could be anyone out there for me. I thought I had missed my chance and it was just a big let down for the rest of my life. And all the while he was in Iraq. He was the one that I wanted all along, he caught my attention enough to sign up and send a hello a year earlier. One day out of the blue, I saw that he was back and my heart pounded- and I cheered out loud HEY OH MY GOD! THERE'S MY MAN!! I sent him a little hello for the second time and he came right back asking for my picture. It sounds silly meeting someone on online dating but he was the only one I ever wanted. I thought he was the sexiest thing I had ever seen and it was his big huge neck in that picture that looked so manly and hunky and yummy in that blue shirt. I thought he was gorgeous and I never thought he would like me back as in seriously and available... This has been a breath of fresh air and new life that I needed so desperately. He proved to me that it's never too late. Something absolutely wonderful can be just around the corner no matter how blue things may have been in the past. It's never hopeless, the show is never over until we say it is.

Most of all Im thankful for finding someone who could awaken my senses from such a slumber. I was asleep, life was passing me by and I felt unworthy of something good or special. I just accepted that I missed the boat and life would be tolerable but suck until I was 88 and dying. And here comes my beautiful gorgeous Steve setting my heart on fire, making me feel alive like a woman for the first time, I realized that a whole side of life was missing from me. He awoke the woman in me, the one who will admit she needs and wants a man. Im not shy or afraid to say that I want him in every way. And it's him. If this were any other person I wouldn't be excited like this and burning down the house every minute until we can be together. I've come down with the vapors I can't sleep at night I hug my pillow tight and imagine him there with me. No one else could ever do because he is offering me my love story. He has to go off all alone and fight a war and that makes me want to protect him and cherish him and spoil him and love him with every bit of affection I can give. I have never in my life wanted a man this way, in my heart, in my life, and romantically as well. I want to make him happy and yes I have my hopes up high. My wish is that he comes home from this war and we are together again forever. It's just not possible that I found a man 6'3, smart and cool, respectable occupation, handsome, no kids yet, nice friends and family from what I can tell, gentleman, sensitive, full of pride and not wanting to let me down, a libra and aquarius are the best love match in the whole zodiac. He is absolutely perfect for me and he's older than I am by just a wink so he's even still the boss. I couldn't ask for more in a man and I don't mean to be so overt and starry eyed but I know a good thing when I see it. He is everything I have ever wanted in a man, in someone to love, in someone to share my life with and I want to be my very best so he is proud of me. I know we need to take it slow and if we are meant to be together it will work out for us. I believe in fate and true love. I really really do. Because we found our way somehow even this far... Im all smiles. I feel so alive, so jittery and magical just dreaming about our first kiss. When he looks in my eyes and smiles and Im so shy and he puts his arms around me and all I can do is close my eyes and let heaven come in. I ordered books and all kinds of stuff, lengerie, flicks, everything I need to make up for time lost so that I can make him happy and it's my touch that he aches for. I want to make sure that I know what to do and how to take care of him because he matters to me, his love and affection matter to me, his happiness matters to me. Thank you God. grama, whoever for bringing us together. He's my dream come true and no matter how this turns out happy or sad I am elated to feel this way anticipating something wonderful in my life that's real for the very first time. Im so happy that I didn't sleep all around, my boys have never once seen a man with me overnight, because it never happened. I don't have kooties, I don't have a bad reputation except for fighting and that one fireman, Im a partier, and cool and wild and sexy and everyone knows that Im the bomb and just waiting for a nice guy. I have tons of men friends but no one I was interested in romantically until now. Im so glad that I kept the faith and took the higher road. Im brand new and shiny and golden and there is someone that I could really love and he will be proud of me that Im not a big mess and been through everyone in town. That never was me and now it was all worth it. Thank you for this shiny chance, this dream is coming to life before my eyes and Im so happy and enchanted. Yeah that's the word Im looking for ..enchanted becuase this is my fairy tale with all the magic I could ever wish for.

Nikki and Steve - yes that's very sweet!

Tingles all over

Touch my tingly skin with your velvet hands
and softly brush over my quivering lips with
your tender kiss.
Your strong arms around me, I feel your strength
all through me, there is no where in this world I
would rather be.
This man who I adore, his sweet smile, his gentle
touch, his confident stagger that makes me weak.
Love me forever.
The sparkle in my eyes is for you, the pounding in my
heart is for you, you are everything I ever wanted my
sweetest dream come true.
My love story, my everything is all wrapped up in
you. for my steve :o)

Now he's gone again...

When are you ever gonna kiss me
When will you hold me tight
When will you look into my eyes
and say I want to be close to you tonight
My heart is so full
I want to know you care
Everything I have ever wanted
Is standing... right there
You make me smile
You make me cry
I don't like being so distant
And all I can wonder is why
What is it that's holding you back
I don't understand your delay
Why did you leave again
And not a word to say
You left this morning without
saying goodbye
My heart hurts on the inside
but I do understand why
You won't let me down
You won't create an ache
You want me too and I know it
And sooner than later we'll have our day
Please don't make me sad
All I want is to be in your arms
Hold me tight and kiss me softly
Make me melt wrapped up in your charms
I've waited so long here
But I just can't give up
And when you knock on my door
and you will because heaven is knocking
on yours...That dreamy perfect night
and all the magic in my eyes
will capture you heart I know
and we'll be lost in the moonlight
I know you will love me forever
All I can do is stand here and smile
So go far away home on your long trip
and miss me with every mile
I'll love you and I'll be here
Awaiting your safe return
For you I'd wait forever
It's only for you that my heart and
senses yearn.

Inside Out

I want to feel you
caress the small of my back
Take me in your arms
and love me tonight
Kiss my eyes closed and tell me
those beautiful words
My heart is so full
I know this could only be right
I've waited forever
for someone like you
Your sweetness, your gentleness
your power over me
I want you and no other
Tell me Im the only one for you
Kiss me until I melt
Love me until I die
Make love to me and don't hold back
And then smile at me
with your dreamy blue eyes
Im drowning forever in you.
Touch me with your magic hands
Take me to all your foreign lands
Hold me high and love me strong
With you is where I'll always belong
I love you and I want you
I need you beside me
Let me grow into a woman
In your arms forever
There is no one like you
in this whole wide world.
There was never anyone for me
but you.

The New Agreement

If you don't like something, change it. If you can't change it, change your attitude about it. Don't complain.. Maya Angelou

I don't care for this g rated thing we have going. I don't want to talk to a computer anymore. I want to talk to a person, I want to see his expressions, see him smile at me, hear him laugh, feel his arms around me tight and I want him next to me now.

I can't do this anymore. I let him know that I liked him and I have waited 6 weeks now for a first date. I know he can't control his schedule and yet another weekend has passed us by and no Steve. My heart is crushed and I can't walk around with tears in my eyes and a frog in my throat anymore. I have been far too tolerant and understanding and now I feel like a fool... He's leaving tomorrow on leave for 2 weeks and Im so crushed, maybe he will come crashing through and everything will be great when he gets back but I have my doubts now.. Im not doing this anymore, I can't because my hopes are up so high and I have set myself up to get my heart ripped out. I know who Im talking to and it's real for me, and he doesn't and I won't do this to myself any longer. He's going to feel like a jerk when he see's how pretty I am and all this time we have wasted when we could have been in love and getting so down. Night and day I dream about this man and I want him so bad.

*I want this man for real. I want him forever, all over me and through me, in my heart, in my soul, in my dreams, in my bed. I just ache for his tender touch, his kiss, his arms around me and safe and warm. He's so wonderful and Im way in over my head. I have never seen someone who was more right for me and I have to play a better game. I have been too tolerant and understanding and I have to go about this differently now. I want him to want me and dream about me and ache for me and no one else. Being too avaliable and offering my heart too easily has not won his heart. He's not here and that's what I want more than anything in this world. Does he hug his pillow tight every night and imagine me there? Does he think about what we will be like, does he want me and need me and long for my touch the way I want him. He will! Once he sees me his heart will be on fire and when will that day finally happen? He has to go to a war and make it back home. Im scared for him and I worry for him and I already love him. I could never tell him that but I do. Because he's sweet and sensitive and into me and he's got this devilish grin that just sets my heart spinning. That's what excites me and scares me and then makes me so blue...
*Negative people and situations and sources of sadness have got to go
*I will not email him or call him unless he contacts me first. I won't do it!
*Im going to go out and be young and have a good summer even If I have to do it without him and I don't want to but I will.
*Im going to go to new places and make new friends and cherish the good ones I have
*Im going to get my VA Cert and shove it in that bitches face and pull 100% at work so I can get out
*Im going to learn the fit to strip routine and have that one ready under my belt Yeah!
*I promise to be myself in everyone's face and not back down or hold back
*Im not going along with the bullshit anymore to keep the peace. This is the only life I get and not everyone deserves to be in it.
*I believe that I deserve a wonderful man, I deserve to be loved and cherished.
*I won't tolerate disrespect from anyone. I deserve to be happy and valued.
*MY JOB HAS GOT TO GO. Mgmt is hopeless for positive change and I deserve better. I just say to myself .. the first lateral opportunity I get to leave your sorry ass you can bet your last breath that I will... and let it roll off. That is a paycheck and not worth upsetting myself. They aren't important enough to hold me down.
*Im not going anywhere or doing anything that I don't wholeheartedly want to do. I understand that my happiness comes first, I can't give to other people what I don't have in me first.
*Im going to be real and true to myself from this moment on and focus on what I like and skills that I want to develop: French, travel, savings, no debt, good communication skills, skills in dealing with difficult people and situations, class and eloquence, being a lady, yet being wild and fun, being a great wife and lover, being a great mother, charm, faith, music, relaxation, fantasy, art, poetry, dance, exercist and total health, love and affection, and holding out for someone who loves and cherishes me completely and unabashedly.
*I will exhibit pride and confidence in myself, being ON and in control of my emotions. People will see what I want them to see and I respect myself and believe in myself so much that I don't have to react to negative situations. I believe that I am too worthy to be rendered spun by insignificant things in my life. I have lost my composure 3 times now once with each of the leeches of my life. Never again will I hand over my power. NEVER! It's not whether or not things will go wrong, it's how they are handled that conveys character...
*I will always think well of myself and never feel inferior or intimidated by anyone. I have a results based attititude, I have a results based drive, and I never waste my time. I AM ENOUGH. Even if I fall I am full of courage, strength and grace and I will get right back up and carry on... that's my best quality...Resilience.
*I promise myself to live an elevated life and give and expect only the best.
*I don't offer my love or loyalty to anyone who doesn't deserve it. I don't love people who don't love me.


Don't let Them ...
Define your being
Dictate your pace
Decide your fate
Defer your dreams
Derail your goals

Dare to succeed