Total Halloween Breakdown

My life is a trainwreck. My kids ignore me I am not the center of their life anymore, im in the way. Especially Austin. My life is so empty I find myself irritated that he has a girlfriend. He has someone to love and spend time with and here I am alone still. Something is wrong with me. No one is divorced for 9 years with one real relationship that was off anyway. I feel like I should have an R stamped on my forhead. This crap with Steve doesnt help. I kept telling myself that he is so drunk half the time that I dont need to take it personal, but I really think he is talking to more people than just me and im not even as important to him. I would never let someone I really cared about go around feeling like I do. He knows how much this hurts me and says nothing, does nothing, ciao later peace. I would like to jump through this screen and kick him right in his brb fucking head.
He is cold hot cold and he is driving me crazy. No one said I have to care. No one said I have to stay home everyweekend wishing he would magically appear. What if he's not a drunk. What if hes got a good mind and smart and he just doesn't want me. Really why am I even worrying about that. I gained 25 pounds in October well since our date. I was at*92 and now im at *17. No wonder I fucking lost it tonight. I have not cried that hard since i got divorced. I cant go on doing this. I am losing myself. Im not even visable. I dont look or feel like myself. Im negative and hateful and it pisses me off to see people happy because I deserve mine and where is it. I dont want to be searching for someone to love me. I dont want to be alone anymore. I dont want to sleep alone anymore. My life is so empty and the void is like a dinosour sitting here because i want someone and hes not coming through. Hes teasing me and playing with me and im going along with it. I dont want my life to be this way. My mom said she was surprised that he came to get me she thought he would stand me up. Thanks mom. I have been alone so long that its shocking for someone to be seen with me. Im a freak. I am a freak. My body looks like a freak. My mental state is fucking whacked too because I have been alone too long. I expect people to be nasty. Deep down maybe im just not meant for any love in my life. Maybe its my story to go without my basic needs. What is holding me back from telling him to not talk to me anymore. Why can't I just tell him to leave me alone. This is killing me and I get nothing but hurt all the time because Im too needy. He is a - I dont even know him well enough to know what he is. I dont have a clue what the fuck he is like because email is so cold and impersonal. Fuck this I am tired of being jerked around. If he told me the morning of Sept 18th that psyche I wont be coming to see you and its not just you and me I would have had respect for him for at least being straight.Is there any possibility that im the love of his life and his dream girl. I dont know. I dont feel like it. I think i am and I think he is stupid for not being with me. But I said that about MIke and he went on to have a life of his own and here i still am. Pining over the love of a seeming alcoholic. I must have no self esteem or value at all to put myself through this day after day. I need to let this completely go and focus on me. I feel so bad for feeling the way I do I will almost be relieved when he leaves because although he will be gone and out of my hopes for a true love for me, I will be getting my sanity back. Why doesnt he miss me. Why doesnt he want me. What is wrong with me that i am still all alone after all this time. I have yet to even cry on someones shoulders for getting divorced. This was not supposed to happen to me. I have sealed my fate and sealed myself in mud like I always belonged here because instead of focusing on my strengths and developing myself and getting fit and strong, I ate my way through hell and look at me now. It is a pitiful sight. I am a disaster. I have to move forward and leave him behind. Quit thinking about him as a romantic and just let him go. He is killing my spirit, Im letting him because im so vulnerable and sensitive. I need him in my life so badly and he wont come to me. He wont and i dont know why and it hurts like I never knew it could. I dont want to feel this way anymore. I need to let him go and come back to me.

My Prayer

This is a prayer I wrote last night at midnight. I couldn't sleep, just like everynight and I realized that I must be some kind of co dependent. I am not getting what I need from this relationship and so why am I hanging on?? I can think of a million reasons, and they all tie into the fact that my biggest (childhood) fear is of being abandoned... being alone, growing old and dying all by myself, never having my true love, living a wasted life and dying a casualty of love.


Dear God,
I need you in my life. I really truly do. Im failing my kids and myself. Im depressed and sad all the time over Steve. I love him with all my heart but he is driving me crazy. I have destroyed my body comforting my hurt with food and my spirit is low because I need love in my life and he I fear has a serious problem with alcohol. I give over this situation to you because I can't handle it. It is destroying me. Help me to see the gifts in my life today and not wait for someday when its all perfect. Someday is some elusive fantasy and help me see the gifts in my journey and not just the destination. I want my true love, I want to love someone because I believe you heal the world two by two. And when two people love each other that is a beauty and goodness that can't be measured. I give this worry to you. If he's the man for me please turn his heart towards me and bring him to me. I give this situation totally up to you. And watch over him too because he is good and he loves you. Please watch over my boys and my sweet parents and family. Open our hearts, make us stronger, to focus on the good and make uis flourish in strong healthy constructive lives with you as the center always. From my heart Nicole amen.

I want him to leave

Just saying those words makes me feel sick inside. Nothing makes sense at all and I am so lonely. Crying already on my way home from work yesterday just knowing that I would be all alone again and all I want in this world is for him to be near me. All he cares about is getting drunk. How can we be friends like this and be completely in love the one time that I actually saw him face to face- yes we have spent one night together face to face in over 7 months. I would never marry him like this, my happiness is not important, he says im sorry and whatever else nice when I tell him I cant do this anymore, he doesnt ask about my kids, he doesnt care when i tell him how i feel. I feel drug through the mud and humiliated and devistated. I even told him I thought he didnt want me and just didn't want to hurt my feelings. He says im sorry its been so crazy on post and he didn't mean to not give me enough attention. Im like WTF is this. What do i do. Do I wait for a year and end up with nothing. Iam compulsive in nature and when i feel lonely i overeat and shop to feel better. This is toxic because i dont know where i stand. im tired of being friends, im tired of talking on email, thats for when hes a million miles away. not right here. I want to be closer and together and i want him around me and all he cares about is getting drunk every weekend. Thats the focus of his life it seems. This is no good and im heartbroken. I wanted him more than anything. And this is killing me. I have gained 20 pounds i think since our date just feeling abandoned like some little girl crying for her dad to come back. I cant do this and i need to break away and let him go and quit thinking about him as a romantic interest. I dont want to say this whole thing, this whole year, all this stirring of my heart and emotions was a waste of time but im afraid it was. Im still here all alone, hurt and short with my kids, feeling isolated and unwanted and confused, i cant do this anymore. I just want out. I want to be happy again and focused and take good care of myself and a happy clean home and good times again. I have turned myself truly inside out hoping to win his heart and his affection and here i am with nothing. He is an alcoholic and I have to accept that. I would never marry him and its time to let this go and get back to me.

I dont want him to go, if something happened to him in Iraq I would just crumble. But when hes not around to make me feel unwanted, I can be happy. That breaks my heart, wanting him means I have to be alone and miserable. Why cant I just let this go. Because I have to start all over again and this time im almost 37 instead of 27. I have been single and slept alone every night since Oct 22, 1996 and i want my life back. Im a good person and sucessful and strong. I deserve a happy ending and a good guy who would love and cherish me and be good to me. I love everything about Steve but his drinking controls his time, not him, and I cant live with that or accept that. He could never be my husband. I am truly disappointed in myself for letting this go so far, and in him for not having goals and plans of his own. It seems that nothing matters besides being drunk. What about holidays and family events and special things? How could I ever have someone around my kids like this. I couldnt and so i need to let this go. There is no happy future with a man who drinks non stop and I in my heart I know it.

Magic Man

Cold late night so long agoWhen I was not so strong you knowA pretty man came to meNever seen eyes so blueI could not run awayIt seemed we’d seen each other in a dreamIt seemed like he knew meHe looked right through meCome on home, girl he said with a smileYou don’t have to love me yetLet’s get high awhileBut try to understandTry to understandTry try try to understandI’m a magic man.Winter nights we sang in tunePlayed inside the months of moonNever think of neverLet this spell last foreverSummer over passed to fallTried to realize it allMama says she’s worriedGrowing up in a hurryCome on home, girl mama cried on the phoneToo soon to lose my baby yet my girl should be at home!But try to understand, try to understandTry try try to understandHe’s a magic man, mamaHe’s a magic manCome on home, girl he said with a smileI cast my spell of love on you a woman from a child!But try to understand, try to understandI’m a magic man!

Same old bs

I cannot stand this anymore. I sent him an honest letter not too heavy but it said what I feel and how important he is to me. That I wasn't sure what to do now and do I wait or what? This man doesn't give an inch. He is cold one minute and then sending hugs and we can talk and email and call on the phone while he is gone. He might as well be gone now because its the same thing. I hate the fact that I will feel relieved when he is not here because I wont have to feel rejected. I dont even know if I am being rejected because we talk everyday and he sends hugs and this is so fucking annoying. I wish I could jump through this screen and smack him- if he says lol one more time I am going to throw something. I told him I missed him and I wished he was near me he says lol. Thats not funny. And hes not dating anyone. I dont think hes talking to anyone- well yes I do. He was cold like this in July and then I found out he was on some date and I was too horrified to even ask about that. Im literally sick to my stomach when I eat anything and all I do is comfort myself with the wrong things. Im so afraid that Im going to give up and walk away and lose something I wanted so bad. But how could someone that cared about me let me go around feeling like this? Hes not stupid or from some other planet. He knows this is hurtful to me and yet does nothing. And he throws some little flake of kindness to me and I go off the deep end and act like nothing at all is wrong. I am so foolish and gullible. I dont want to be looking for a husband when im 40 and right now im too dejected to take care of myself. I need to go out and just feel good and attractive. He makes me feel ugly when im begging just for a little glimmer of anything and nothing. This is so toxic to me and its just like my dad. I idolize someone to death and when im not quite enough and always seeking affection and love and turned away. Its a horrible cycle and never in my life have I gone in circles like this and just felt so empty inside. He has made no effort at all to come crashing through and make it better and I dont understand why. I dont want a friend, be in love with someone and get my hopes up and end up with nothing. I need to let this go. It is killing my spirit and I cant because I love him and I want him to be everything I need. At times he seems so sensitive and easy to talk to and normal, but this isn't enough. Im tired of watching the bad guys win and being alone and sleeping alone and no happiness in my life at all except for my family and kids. I want it all a home and husband and fun career and high heels to work everyday and look good and happy and healthy. I can't even remember the last time I felt really content with my life. And what bothers me is the night that he left here I thought to myself damn there are some screws missing but he is so attractive and turned me so on. When we were face to face I didnt think he was husband material, but now that he hasnt come beating down my door he is my whole world... thats me that has some screws loose. I don't want to rock the boat, I need to but he only has 6 weeks left before they take off. I can hold on and just see what happens. And my negative feelings about him and not even founded any more than good things- I don't even know him. Just stupid little chats everyday and once in awhile we talk about something insightful. He seems like he was raised to be very decent and good manners and very gentlemanly and polite. But he turns into a wildman when hes drinking which is anytime after 5. I honestly dont know what to do. I dont want to lose him but he is driving me crazy holding on.

Anniversary today

Yeah one month ago tonight was our wonderful night. I have gone totally off the deep end because we talk all the time but thats all. These next two weeks he's gonna know something is off. I have broken every rule ever made. All of them and I thought I was special enough to pull it off... I am and I know it. I do understand, a year is a long time and right now is not the time to be making promises, but I would make a promise, I would wait forever if he was sincere. Im the one in love and I have to accept that.

I can't go around being blue and trippin every day. I wanted him and he took good care of me and we still talk all the time. Its just not what I planned on, not what he said. But it makes me happy that the person in this world that I am closest to is someone I love and admire from my heart and someone who cares for me. I needed that so much, I just don't want it to be over. Who knows how this story will end. I have had such a crush on him since the first time I saw him on messenger on nye 03. I can't believe that this is the same person, and it went this far and we are cool. But when I saw him walk up to my door to get me my heart stopped and I loved him. OMG so handsome, but not too much or in an arrogant way, he was sensitive and sweet and so attentive to me. Our date was the best one in my whole life and I just want him around. I was me, and I was happy when he was right next to me.

I always want what I can't have. That's not a good thing, and that was learned as a child with an emotionally distant father who I worshipped. I always felt like my dad was ashamed of me because I wasn't short and petite and perfect. Even though he is 6'7. Only as an adult after I had my own kids was he able to really relate to his kids and show us how much he loved us. My dad is the sweetest guy in the world and it just took him a long time to open up and be available to us. This thing with Steve pushes all my buttons and that is about me, not him. Not even something he needs to know about.

I can't be freaked out over him and neglect my kids and be less of a mother to my boys. I was so bummed today I didn't even go to work and that is rediculous. This house is a mess, I am a mess and I have put on some weight, I feel isolated and blue, I don't have any friends except for family because I have trust issues, I am a mess. I can't fall apart when things don't go my way.
I can't wait for everything to be 100% perfect before I allow and agree that I can be happy. I went off the deep end when he didn't spend that first weekend with me. I was truly devistated and off my rocker. Whatever his reasons might be, and it might not be anything more than he drinks way too much and not sure what to do about me, and what does it matter? I have to stay level and grounded every day of my life no matter what is going on because I am a mother to my kids before I am anything else. They aren't going to see a depressed going in circles mother anymore. They already resent him and who wouldn't...

"LIFE WILL DEAL YOU MANY DISAPPOINTMENTS, DON'T LET YOURSELF DOWN TOO"

Those words mean so much to me. To me from my grandmother who I loved more than anything. She had so many heartaches and she always carried herself with grace and class. I strive to be like her but im not her.

These next 30 days are about me getting my ass together. My tummy - can't even feel my hips I have been so sugared up and this is wrong. Im not even worried about overweight- Im worried about heartattacks, blood clots in my legs, diabetes, blurry vision due to the sugar river of glue in my veins. I can't do this anymore. I dont want Steve to go, I want him in my life but until I have a ring, proposal, commitment, promise-- I am single and i need to be out dating and socializing and keeping my options open. I can't risk being 38 and starting from the ground again. I want him but I am living my life and he shouldn't expect anything different...

It was only 6 months...

Me and Steve are done and I know that in my heart. This whole thing seems so disfunctional and now I am past the point of no return. I don't like being ignored. I made it too easy and now Im taken for granted. The only time he was really attentive to me was when I was nasty to him. That's weird. This whole thing has not been good for me. Im embarassed when everyone asks me have I seen him and the answer is no. What is this costing me? My self esteem, confidence, image, happiness and good spirits, direction and peace. He is looking for the woman of his dreams apparently and that is not me. Im so compulsive, if someone teases me and strings me along I take the bait every time. Except for now. Im not going through another Mike and ending up devistated because he is indecisive. If a guy is not sure about me he is history.

Last night under the full moon we were walking along the witchy trail and I was irritated seeing husbands and wives holding hands with their kids doing something fun as a family. That's when I knew enough was enough. I don't like being toyed with, I have told him how I miss him and it bothers me being away, I didn't shove all the things he said back in his face but I think that is really not cool to make it seem so certain that I was the girl for him and then I havent seen his face in a month tomorrow. I killed my diet comforting myself in total despair. How mean and selfish to say those things and then nothing. I know he is leaving for Iraq in Dec for a year. Part of me understands that not wanting to get involved. Part of me feels rejected because if I was in his heart he would be here regardless. I feel ugly and abandoned like a girl left on the side of the road. This is no good and I need to get out of it. My heart and head are going in opposite directions and I just don't think that he is the one for me.

Good:
Tall and very attractive to me
No Kids
Handsome
A gentleman with good manners, brought up well
Sensitive and Emotional
Sensual and very attentive and sweet
Works Hard and doesn't complain
Loves books, museums, travel, learning, adventurous like me
Cares about his family
Tenderhearted
Vulnerable and hides his hurt about his dad
College, educated, smart, honest, goodhearted
I fell in love with him because of these qualities


Questionable
Never married
Excessive Drinking
Doesn't open up about his feelings at all
Doesn't answer or divulge any committal questions
Do you miss me...
Ok to be causal and non committal
Im not casual at all- its all or nothing for me and I resent wasting my time
I have an extreme personality- I dont like things half way or up in the air
I give 100% and I can't respond to someone who won't do the same
No effort to reassure me or calm my questions
He didn't answer Jordy on messenger or ask about Austin this weekend after his fall
He was looking at other girls at CO'K
Ladies man and its ok to him to let me stir and be unhappy
At 37 it seems weird to not want something serious, to not want something true
My biggest fear is that I would wait for him in Iraq and he comes home and leaves and we arent together after all. I would be almost 38 years old then and starting over from zero.
That is too big of a gamble and I need to be dating and going out and being sociable and keeping my options open, my heart says I don't want anyone but him.

I have to get over that and not love someones potential- love people for the way they are now-

distant-alone- drunk-casual-not attentive or concerned- Im hurting and its not an issue with him. This is over. Im ashamed of the way he has treated me and more ashamed of what I have allowed. I deserve something real and a good guy who will adore me and be my friend. I am heartbroken right now because I wanted it to be him more than anything else in this world but if he was the one for me he would be here. I will get over this and I know how to be positive and constructive. I won't let myself end up emptyhanded at 40. I just really wanted him to love me and all this could be finally over. I didn't want to be a casualty of my first husband and I sort of feel that way now. Im tired of seeing the bad guys win, being nice, being for other people what I need them to be for me has gotten me no where. I want a nice guy who will let me love him and be sweet and happy together without taking me for granted and treating me like crap because he can. I want a guy who will appreciate something special and thinks im an angel and would never hurt me. The blinders have to come off because that guy is not Steve and it hurts. I feel like someone took a shovel to my chest. This is our time and he is throwing it all away and its not fair and I dont deserve to be treated like that.

I want to be happy

I went and did it again! Now Im sorry. I didn't message at all today and so tonight I sent a hello with song lyrics that reminded me of him DWB. It was funny and I put an angel demon and blushie on it too so it was funny, no drama no nothing. He was on there for half hour and didn't send me anything not even good night. Num Yo Ho Rang Gay Quo. I feel like someone beat my heart on the floor until it quit moving. Im searching for some sign that he wants me and there is nothing.

*Im making excuses for him, he is distant and not attentive to me at all and when ever he does anything here I come running like a fool.

*He is not what I need, it's not natural to not want to be with the one you care about. Its been almost a month since our date and who knows if I will ever see him again.

*I dont know if he just doesn't want romantic ties with me while he is gone for a year and feel obligated to pick up when he gets back or if he just doesn't like me.

*I feel like I have lowered myself and exposed my weakness and fear of being abandoned by allowing myself to be treated like this.

* I hate being negative, thats not who I am and this whole relationship has caused me to doubt myself and feel defective for some reason because he is with me but hes not with me for real.

* I want someone to love. I want something special in my life and something to look forward to and he is not there for me. He doesn't talk about his feelings at all and so Im left guessing every second. He was totally crazy for me when we were together and even before we even kissed he was up in the clouds so I dont know what to think, what to feel, what to hope for, what to do, what to expect, what to nothing. He is hot one minute and ice cold the next and its pissing me off more than anything. Im just not feeling like Im special or that i even matter and im afraid to ask for fear he will cut me off. This is not fair to me so I know what I have to do.

Putting me first...

I just bought a VIBRATOR. I am so happy and excited, I broke my last one. I might be blue broken hearted without my baby but hey I'll be feeling really good first. I have to put myself first* I have to be healthy* I have to feel good about myself, my body and my life* I have to feel like Im not missing out on everything just because im single**. When Eva Longoria said the best sex of my life was with my vibrator I just laughed - I know what you mean. Those endorphines are too far gone now. Dr Ruth said it is totally fine and healthy and good for you and so from that moment on I was good to go. Nothing compares to the real thing, I want a real husband who will be good to me and love me forever and be my man and be my baby. I am not going to sit here like some nun for another 9 years and wait. Im going to get out in my life and participate and the first thing I am getting straight is myself. Im not healthy weight wise and I need to feel good about me. Im making some positive changes, no more binging and dying of desperation - im fucking pissed off because he is everything to me and he is leaving for Iraq in 2 months for a year. This is our time and I want to spend it witih him. Who knows what he is thinking, or if his crappy non actions were intentional or not, but im not sitting here feeling so sad and blue all alone anymore. Im done and he can get on the wagon, or he can watch me stroll on by.

It was all about Steve

Up until today this whole blog was about Steve. I love him and I must have said too much, I must have gone too far, I did something wrong I guess because he ignores me. We go from hot to cold daily and I can't take it anymore. I feel deceived and less now, taken down a peg, kicked off my pedistal and really really hurt. He was my dream come true and everything I wanted for myself and I missed the fact that he has a real drinking problem and evidently a major ladies man and no intent on loving just one. What I thought at the time to be the night of my life and the best date of my life, was just apparently a walking disease executing his game. I am devistated in my heart and I am so turned off right now I don't care if I ever see him again. What is it costing me to be in this relationship? The answer ... Everything. I get nothing but hurt in return because I told him how I felt and he laughed lol. This is negative and hurtful every moment and I think about how much I wanted this when I lay down at night and the first thing in the morning. One more night without him and he should be with me. He is not going to be what I need, and I have to accept that and let him go.

I have wrecked my body eating non stop to comfort myself because I felt so lonely here. I have gained 20 pounds since our date 3 weeks ago. I cant be a part of this anymore and I hate the fact that Im wishing he would just leave so I wouldn't have to feel isolated and alone. He is avoiding me now, maybe not knowing what to say, not wanting to hear it, not wanting me. I never deserved to be treated this way and he is stupid, maybe moreso than I was because we could have had everything. He is shut off and cold to me so what can I do but walk away.

This is so over

I havent spoken to him since Friday night- its monday morning. Same thing every weekend. Steve is not the one for me and I would not be surprised at all if he has a girlfriend. Football was on yesterday so thats probably where he was but no message for me even this morning. And I told him thursday night that I missed him and I wished he was here with me. I cant to this anymore and I need to get him out of my heart and my mind. I tell him how I feel and he either says nothing or he says lol like its funny. Its not funny? I would have never said anything, or slept with him if I had known this was how it would be. He said everything under the sun to reassure me that we were for real and now im really hurt. He was just being a guy I guess and I bought it, its my fault too. But after 6 months of talking first I was in love with him and I wanted him with me, just close to me. And that was our plan, just to be together and dont let anything happen.

I don't think he is the one for me. He ignored my son when he said hello on messenger. He is drunk constantly and he honestly probably doesn't even remember all the things he said. That would be his excuse Im sure. Its just that i dont want to start over and have nothing and no one. Im 36 and I dont have all the time in the world anymore. I want something real that I can get some happiness from and as much as I want steve, I realise that all I am getting is hurt and frustration and constantly wondering what is so wrong with me that he would rather do anything than just come and see me. What is the big deal? But he won't have any part of it. I cant let a drunk control how I feel about myself and cause me to have such self doubt. I thought that we would bring so much happiness to each other, I really thought when this all started that he was the one for me. My heart says he is, but my head and common sense says no way. When we were together I saw a little boy who has done without a lot of love, it tears him up that his dad let him go. I could see the pain on his face, and maybe that has a lot to do with his drinking. I can't rescue him and love him so much and fill the emptiness in him and hope he will do the same for me. I need someone to count on just as bad. I don't know--something in me says just give him some space and dont let go, and then the other part says dont waste your time on someone like this because even if you win you'll lose.

I still think that backing completely off is my best solution. Its not even strategy, I need more than this and more than he is willing to give to me. Hes going to miss me on that long plane ride over the ocean when his mind is clear and his heart is hurting because he had something wonderful and promising in his hands and he messed it all up. Im starting to come back around now and I know that there is nothing wrong with me and I dont deserve to be treated this way. There is nothing else to do except just walk away so that is what I have to do.

Even if we did spend time together now, what would that mean. Feel like this all over again when tomorrow comes. No thanks. He left me alone too long and now Im done with this.

Who am I kidding?

Im ashamed of the way I have allowed myself to be treated. He must think I am a total doormat and no matter what he doesn't do I will let him right back in. Hes been online today and no message for me. Not a word, and I asked him to be at Coyotes last night to see me and no... This is not someone I would ever marry. What am I doing? The guy has strung me along for what 6 plus months and one night we actually spent face to face and the other days were all miserable. He has teased me and played me and he must think im completely desperate which I probably am and this is no good. I am so lonely and unsure of myself, wondering what is so wrong with me that he would rather do anything than be with me. What kind of man would let someone go around feeling like that. I feel like a co dependent and im not even married to him. Hes an alcoholic and nothing matters except getting drunk. I can't do this anymore. Its too hurtful. He treats me like im nothing and it hurts. During the week when there is nothing else going on its all fine but on the weekends there is no contact at all. Im tired of being treated like im nothing. I dont deserve this. He doesnt deserve me. Is not even a strategy anymore I just want out. I want him more than anything in this world and he is not going to be what I want and need. And I can't continue to allow myself to be treated so badly. I dont even know what to say, I will probably say nothing and just move forward and let this go. I don't want to attack him and make myself look ugly and negative. I want to let him know that he has hurt me and I can't take anymore of this. I just dont know how right now.

Getting back to me

I have to be more clever, I don't like strategic thinking when it comes to love, but I really do need to save myself from me. Being sweet and available and totally devoted to Steve hasn't brought him to my door to kick it down and be my prince. In fact he was online this morning but didn't send me any message. This is not working out the way I wanted it to. I love being his friend and talking every day but I want more from him. Maybe hes doing his laundry this morning who knows but I feel very neglected. Maybe its just his way and nothing personal towards me. Who knows. All I am certain of is when we were together he was very sweet and sensitive to me and a total gentleman and everything I wished for. He said this was the best night of his life and the best date he had ever been on and that he was done with dating and it was just me and him from now on. We talk everyday but i havent seen him since that night! WTF?? Hes a soldier and drinking and partying every night but dont you want to be with me, dont you miss me? I don't want to ask him those questions, thats weird and sybillish... but its hard to understand. Hes my total price charming, the one I have waited for forever and I love him but i dont know where i fit in and i dont know what is going on. Hell be gone in 60 days and i can hang on and hang in there, i know i will see him again, i know we will have a goodbye together and i just dont want to be mad when that night comes... me and unresolved anger do not go hand in hand and I dont want to spoil our night even if he is spoiling every single day for me right now because im confused and really upset honestly because he slept all sweet and safe next to me after our first real date and I loved every moment.

But now after all the high of it all is wearing off, hes distant from me it seems and im sad because his face and my memory is fading. Im really tired of analyzing every little thing to death and then comforting myself with the wrong things. My house is a mess, I dont have the energy to overhaul everything because im sad and my whole world revolves around him because i can't seem to have him the way i want. This is not good for me and to let myself be so directed internally by outside things. I cant keep doing this and i have to change my strategy.

We have time for a big falling out and a bigger get back together. Its time to get out the ammo and play this game. I love him and I want him to marry me someday, he is my knight in shining armour but my l0ve and affection came simply too easy to him, he didn't have to earn it and that goes against nature. Men are warriors, hunters, and savages. Women like me love them just for being that way. I gave him my heart and soul on a big fluffy pillow saying please love me. Duh! When I told him to go to hell and I really meant it thats when the challenge started and he did everything to get me back. I dont like playing these games, thats not me, I just want to love someone and they love me in return and we are happy and together forever. It doesn't work that way though. How do I capture his heart and affection? By being what he cant have. We have to start over, he has to win the girl. The man picks the girl, loves the girl, courts the girl, marries the girl.. He has to be the man and i loved him before he asked me to. I broke all the rules and somehow it was ok because we talk everyday but I don't want to talk, I want him for my husband because i really love him and i wish i didn't but i do. I could never tell him that or say it out loud but thats how I feel in my heart.

So here is the plan. Get busy, do your own thing, dont email him, dont wait around for him to contact me. Get out in the world and do fun things, go out, have fun, have him see me doing ok without him and when he asks what is wrong because that would be a total 360 from how things are now.. I will just tell him that I didn't feel special to him. I thought we were going to be together and we werent. I was hurt and I thought he wanted me to not care about him and just go away so I did. It was so hard to get over you but I did... Poor little wayward girl with the big broken heart. I just dont know if I could ever get those feelings back.. thats it! Thats the game right there. How could he love me, how could I be the girl of his dreams if he didn't have to fight for me and win the girl. We have to start over. He deserves a love story as much as I do so we have to break off and he be the man and come after me.

No more heart to hearts, no more sweet talking, no more nothing. Im hurt and Im backing away because I thought he didn't want me... And maybe he wont come after me, maybe he really does drink too much and that is the only thing thats important to him, and if so then he is wrong for me and I really do need to do this permanently.

All I know is I can't continue to do this to myself being obsessed with someone who wont love me the way I deserve to be loved. My heart says send him a message and tell him how I feel and how I adore him and how much he means to me. I have already done that though and he has not come running. My head says turn around and start running the other way and if he is the man I think he is he will come after me because he really does care.

Woops!

Jeez I am such a dork. I was so crushed with big alligator tears going down my cheeks ready to sprout horns and a tail and I was just looking at it wrong. Hes not on there, we are both still unsearchable. Who knows, he might put it back up there for penpals in Iraq but he is not on there and I feel like the sun came out in the middle of the night. I should not care about him the way I do, I should not have deep feelings for him but I do. I just love him a little bit and I don't ever want to be without him. Jesus that was a trip around the world in 10 minutes.

This is just like Marty

I can't believe he put his ad up on the personals again. Why does he email me 3 times a day then? I cannot do this anymore. My worst thought was that one day I would look on there and he would be back. Maybe its for penpals who the fuck knows. He probably went on a date this weekend. Did he put that on before or after we went out. My little heart is about to crack open and I just want a nice guy that I can trust. I wanted it to be him more than anything in this world and here I go again back to zero. He's gotta go. This is fucking rediculous. Its just like with marty I start thinking whats the worst thing that can happen and boom there it is true as the sun coming up. He said he was done with dating and for now on it was just me and him. He said I was his girl and that was it. He said he would come and see me on Fridays and maybe more if he didn't have to work. I havent seen him in two weeks since he said all that crap. Why am I so gullible and get sucked into everybodys bs. Why can't I just find a nice man who will be good to me and just get on with my life. I don't deserve this, I really dont.