My Mr Right?

Im certain that it's over between me and Steve. It never even started and I just got carried away fantacysing over someone who never had any intention of getting serious with me (or anyone) I presume. It was standoffish and reserved from day one and I ended up just getting hurt. I realized that I would not turn back around over these last 3 weeks when it seemed like he was relieved to get away. (from me) That was the pivotal point when I said Im done. I never deserved to be made to feel that way. Sex isn't casual or meaningless and he said the sweetest things and then backed away and left me there to figure it out on my own. It dawned on me today that maybe the friend part was because of the code of ethics they have in the army. Im really pissed and enough to not look back.

I want a husband. I want to get married and get on with my life now. Im going to be 37, it's time to buy a house and I want my kids to have a nice home before they leave. I love our little house here and it is really nice. I want them to see me happy and in love while they are young. I don't want them to see me coping with rejection and trying to hide the fact that im hurting and lonely. I believe in my soul that I never deserved any of this and my love story is out there somewhere. I know I have no business being home alone on the weekends. My focus in life is slimming way down and being the sexy thirty something going on 40 freaking smokin woman that I know I am. I don't ever want to go on a date again and afraid that he will not be attracted to me. I want to know that I've done great and Im the whole package and is he a good match for me. Does he flirt with me, does he go out of his way to make me feel safe and comfortable, Is he interested in my happiness? I did it right with Steve and the answer is yes with him on all those questions. Nothing makes sense except that he drinks and is non committal. He sees girls like a kid in the candy store and I don't see him ever feeling like I was the greatest catch in the world because he surrounds himself with sex objects non stop.

Im doing this Ultimate Relationship cd from TR. Its easiest to describe the mate from hell- then go opposite or what can you live with... Then are you the mate from heaven? You need to reasonably match..
What is hideous or a complete deal breaker for me?

*Short, snide, nasty or rude manners, no class, no refinement, no respect for women, sees women as less, cold and not into affection, Ugly, bad teeth, dirty nails or feet, nasty breath, doesn't like kissing, cold lover, selfish, hot temper and unreasonable, Thoughtless and mean, unsharing with time, deceitful, sneaky, unresponsible, late or careless, not dependable, violent, excessive bad habits that clearly cloud judgement, (who does this sound like?) low self esteem and bottomless pit, never reciprocates positive reinforcement or praise, hateful or excessive baggage, immaturity and more comfortable being irresponsible, easily aggrivated, hostile, too confrontational, likes to feel superior, bullyish, intimitating in a bad way, likes to feel good at other peoples expense, showoff, flauntish, arrogance in an ugly way, coniving, didn't like or have patience with kids, yells alot, uptight and nasty sarcastic personality, never satisfied, never shows emotion or what he is passionate about, mean to his mother, rude or disrespectful to anyone, dishonest, closed minded, compassionless, sloppy and lazy, big butt on a man is a total turnoff, too diciplined and judgemental, too into himself, too much cologne, outright flirting and embarassing. Someone who would put me down or make me feel inadequate in public. Any sign of physical or emotional abuse is intolerable. That is out of the question.. I have described mp and acl outright. They two together have shown me what I hate in people. What I find to be repulsive. I don't see Steve here at all except he drinks way too much and has a irritated side. I don't know that much about his personality, im not waiting around either. Maybe dating will make me want him more, maybe not. I just know that Im just as wrong for staying home as he is for missing out on the love of his life in me. I know that I could make him happy and we could have a sweet future together but I will not chase someone. That means that they don't value me, he is wrong and let him be wrong. I will not chase him period. I am so very proud of myself. I have broken away and not done anything I regret for 3 weeks. He wanted a break so hallalujia baby you got it. I would love him like a baby but I will not turn myself inside out over a guy this way ever again. I will read the rules like my bible. Two times now, I blew it by giving everything I had and getting nothing. I don't know if he will chase me, and if he does can I play the game because im too heavy and not in shape at all after these 21/2 mos of misery. That just proves in itself that you never give up your marbles for a dude. Never Never Never. I am truly grateful that he came into my life, he did a thousand times more good than bad and proved to me once and for all you never ever compromise yourself or give up your power when things dont go your way. Im a better person and for that im happy. Love you- thank you- miss you- over you.

I've had it and these times are changin mama.. I'll be nice, mirror him, no flirting, no sweet kisses and hugs, no staying at home. I don't want to give the wrong impression. Im over this, I was absolutely heartbroken this fall and I don't need this shady cant make up my mind crap in my life. Im over it and I made myself move on.

Sunshine for Nikki

Hmmmm. I was watching some program on lifetime of a total bastard who beat his pretty wife all the time & finally she left. He hired someone to kill her to not deal with her anymore or divorce or custody. Wow. I realized - hey he's not that bad!! I would never have to deal with anything like that. What are his charms?? Sweet, smart, intelligent, tender in person, very attentive, focused on sex and pleasing to a woman, quiet and shy, tender in manners, doesn't go ho surfing at his own house with his family, thoughtful to get flowers, sincere and thinks with his heart and passionate, very sensitive, very handsome, very attractive and magnetic appealing to me, not conceited or full of himself, hard to be assertive and kind of flippit when he has to be, not a good communicator in that he never talks about himself, totally focused on me and surroundings, very clean, good taste, charming, fun, honest, has integrity, he's a good guy who has been single for 37 years and his way is the way..

I would be wrong to have ugly feelings towards him. The man loved me heart and soul when we were together and he is going off to a war. Cut him some slack and maybe our friendship will blossom in 5 years.. Maybe Im the one- maybe when he settles down and can have a life he will think to himself what am I doing?? I can't worry about the future. I need to live in the moment and if I find someone who is good to me and I was willing to leave this behind I would go for it.

What's important to me??
*Being beautiful and desirable
*Happy spirit and not blue and down
*Loving and great mother
*Clean organized house to relax in and escape to
*Dreaming and having goals
*Financial security, good job, savings and peace of mind
*Being sound minded and making good choices
*Being honest and real, not fantasy based and blinded by attention
*Freedom to be spiritual, sexual, confident, a wild woman just for me.

What do I want in a man?
*Tall, kind, sensitive, strong inside and confident, good hearted, good character now, attentive to me, makes me feel valued and cherished and no one else will do, sweet friends who make it exciting but not afraid to call it a night and be a one woman man, sexually giving and passionate, focused on me, kind and protective of my kids, thinks they are precious and wants them included as much as I do, loves nature, loves adventure and travelling, good saver frugal and smart, lets me be a girl and shop without flipping out, very smart and dependable, no out of control habits, spiritual and easygoing. Good natured and sweet. Stable.

HURT vs HAPPY

I just had to make up my mind how am I going to process this??
Im really mad because had I known that he had no intention of seeing me again I sure as hell wouldn't have put myself through so much torture. I cried like a baby wondering what was wrong with me and missing him at night because I thought -- no he told me we were going to be together. 3 times a week and more if he could get away. Why didn't he just tell me the truth instead of dangling me along letting me go on like that. He did it this summer too and said nothing when he went on a date with someone else stringing me along. Im mad because im mad at him. I wanted him to be special and something to believe in. It's not. I am brokenhearted - again- because I made him out to be some gift from god and he was just a guy rolling along with life playing the field. Im humiliated to be just another sock in his drawer and nothing special and lasting. No one ever made me feel unvalued like this. He didn't- we talk everyday when he was here and I know we're good friends but I wanted more. In my life right now I need a man. I needed him to be that for me. I needed someone to show me that I was a woman, desirable, special, dreamable, lovable. That is such a void in my life and has been for so long and I needed him to be that for me and here i am once again with nothing. I drove him up the wall with my emails and finally broke his shell and he cracked and said what he should have said 2 months ago. My confidence, self esteem, self image, all of it was devistated by this because I ended up with nothing and he told me to my face that we were a done deal. You cant get to know someone unless you spend time with them in person and I will never have that chance because he is totally comfortable hiding behind a computer. Who would rather chat and get drunk on line than be in the arms of a girl. Makes me think he's weird. Im tired of all of this and I would never want someone so unattached in my life permanently. I hate the fact that im making all these assumptions based on one date and 8 months of online friendship, but I can't put myself through this anymore. I wish I could take back all the things I said. I wish I could go back to March and not even go down this road because I ended up devistated with my hopes stabbed and killed dead. I resent being led on and I feel laughed at and like im amusing. Just keep her around because she makes me feel good but I get nothing out of this at all. Thats not fair. And he was relieved to get out of KS and no messages for me thats for sure. Not since last Saturday. Im hurt that he shows no interest in my kids, im hurt that he seemed to be the greatest boyfriend and attentive and everything I wished for and can turn cold as ice just like that, that scares me because ive been frozen off before, im hurt that he doesnt miss me or call me just to hear me, im hurt that we had such a sweet time and it really was the best date of my life too and then just like that he bricked himself off from me and why? im hurt that he said any and everything to get my guard down and then he turned his back on me. Feel like I was tossed aside like trash and hey how are you doing? IM not casual, I don't think he has any clue that this was so hurtful to me. I dont think it was his intention to hurt me at all. But I am hurt. And I turned on myself and now I weigh 12+ pounds more just eating to comfort myself. Thats us I eat to feel better and he drinks to feel nothing. Together we'd be a fat drunk nightmare so I just have to laugh. I know this is not right for me. I just wanted to have a little love affair together with the one guy that I really love, just something sweet to tuck away in my heart forever. I didn't want to marry him, I just wanted to love him before he went off to Iraq. I wanted to be the one that he missed and dreamed about. The one that kept him going and spirits high. Im not going to get that chance and it really hurts. Who knows what he does. He could be having sex with anyone and not thinking about me at all. I cant even say goodbye to him the way I wanted to because who knows what he has been up to. Im angry because we didnt get to share everything that I wanted to anyway because my body was all goofed up and the thought of him being with someone else and doing things that he didnt get to do to me makes me cringe. If he wanted to totally get rid of me forever, let me find out about him bagging some girl while I cheered him on and luuuved him to pieces. That would do it. That would creep me out so bad I wouldn't even be mad, I would be disgusted. Like sex is meaningless workout for a monkey in the jungle. Please let me be so so so wrong about him. Please do something to change my doubtful and fearing mind. Please don't be what my 6th sense tells me you really are. Please make me be totally wrong. Why can't I just let go? I didn't hang on like this with my own husband? He keeps me at arms length it seems just to have around for an ego fix, but far away enough to not be obligated to me in any way. No phone, no weekends, no dates, no sweet hello's, no flowers, no poems, no miss you, no massage my shoulders, let me kiss your worries away, absolutely nothing that is meaningful and good for me. Nothing. Hurt doesn't even describe how I feel. He was everything I waited for and hes not going to be what I needed him to be. Devistated. And I told him if I saw him and girls were all over him and why wouldnt they be- I would be destroyed. Thats when I knew it was time to back off and walk the other way. I need someone real in my life, someone who will love me and I have to stop and love me and turn this all around first. Turning it around means getting him out of my heart so that I can love someone back when my chance comes again. I tried everything I could think of to turn his affection to me and he rather got drunk everynight and left me here cold. All I can do is turn away and walk. Save myself before I end up hating him and saying ugly cold things. Its time to let go and just walk away with no romantic hopes at all. Thats all I can do.

Million in one -GET REAL

The chance is one in a million that we are going to have a future together. I had to come to the reality that this is not what I thought it would be. I thought he was going to be with me- and the very next day when he didn't come see me I knew that something was wrong. The man is impulsive, talks from his heart, sweet as can be in person and hates confrontations. This would have gone on forever as long as I didn't put him on the spot. I can't be mad at him because I know he likes me and who knows maybe he is the greatest boyfriend in the world and totally attentive and committed to a girl when he wants to be. I truly dont know and I have no way of knowing.

Im just tired of getting my hopes up and dashed. Im depressed and undeniably downed and sunk over this. Its devistating to want someone so much and they just wont be what you want them to be and still be friends so they dont have to feel bad. I sure am nice and say so many compliments. But what really has this brought to my life. Just another guy that I talk about non stop that has no interest in me, meeting my family and kids, my kids are hurt that he hasn't come to meet them. Its become irritating and disappointing and he shows one little sign of attention and I think omg finally he is going to crash through and love me forever. Im just seeing the negative hurtful side because thats what I feel. IM tired of loving someone that doesnt love me. Hes leaving but how else can I feel except rejected. I hate the fact that Im feeling lonely and hurt all the time and all I wanted was him. Two times now in 9 years did I find someone that I really liked.

God this sob story sucks. The truth is what possiblity is there that he is going to come home from Iraq and suddenly smother me and love me and propose and make all this happen. Hes going to get out, go home, get a job and set up, go out and get together with all his friends, get somewhat established and on his way and settled in.. then hes going to send for me and well be together forever. No.. it will never happen. He'll meet some local girl and young and worship him and forget all about me. I will be 38 1/2 in fall of 2007 when he's back home and no man and not had sex but once in five and a half years. Yeah from Dec 2002 to Sept 2005 no love. How horrible is that 2 years and 8 months with no love. and im in my prime. This is my time and what am I doing loving someone who wont stand by me in a relationship. I have to let him go. I hope we can be friends, im not mad, I understand that he doesnt need this right now before leaving for a year tour but the chances of us having a happy ending are just not realistic. I want to have a nice night together in Dec and then let him go. Just be friends and no romantic ties at all. I need to be dating and having a social life and not depressed and crabby and bitchy everyday because im not receiving what im sending out. This is not what i need in my life. I need a man who will stand by me and love me and be a partner. I want Steve but its not going to happen. I could be wrong and maybe he will totally shock me and sweep me off my feet but Im not willing to take this chance and end up with less than nothing. I just can't do it. I need closure and I need to say goodbye and get on with my life. I love him with all my heart and I would do anything to make this work out but hes not right for me. No one said I have to hold him so high in my heart. I love Billy and no one would ever take his place. He never did anything but love me and I love him right now and he has no bearing on my feelings for Steve. I can keep him close in my heart and tucked away safe, but I need to be out looking for a partner and a love for myself and taking good care of myself and living my life. I know this is the right thing to do. It will be easier to be his friend and be supportive when hes in iraq if im not totally in love with him. The only way to do that is to say goodbye and start looking for a long term love somewhere else because this is not going to turn out the way I dreamed it would.

I need to make this happen when he gets back. I need to make a nice memory and nice dinner and fun night and say goodbye in my heart. He doesn't even need to know about it. I need closure and relief from this because it is killing me to see exactly what I want and need so badly and can't have it.

So lighten up, be cool, be safe to talk to and not so mushy and crazy over him and flat out flirt and shower him with complements, just back off and know that once it's done it's over. I only have so much time because after the first of the year i will be out of whack for 6 weeks while my body gets used to stopping this hideous shot. Its a month from now or not at all so I need to get it together. And I need to get back on Atkins for 30 days so I can be confident and pull this off.

Wanna play with me :o)

Im just chillin out right now. I made a completely french breakfast (Orange Marnier French Toast) which was so very yummy and everybody loved it. Then made some cajun shrimp and sausage jambalaya. Made a carrotcake from scratch on Friday. Just taking care of my guys and being a mom. My focus has been elsewhere for some time and it got unnerving. Im doing incredible on my new way- dont overdo it at all and I will be doing my power 90 tomorrow. 6 days a week plus walking whenever. I love the way I feel when Im healthy, mind body and spirit. My romance became cumbersome and a downer most of the time because I wasn't getting what I needed. Felt like I was slamming my head against a wall and just felt confusion and nothing else because I know hes crazy for me too... I realized that I do understand what is up. It will be a long time if ever that we will have something real. I spent the night last night playing the what if game in my mind... what if ....

what if tonight when the whole world is quiet and sound asleep, what if I could tip toe out of your closet and under the sheets next to you. All warm and soft and dreamy. I would kiss you so sweet a million times all over. Mmmmm his soft chest and big arms all around me, shivers and tingles just to feel him kissing me all over like he did. I like to get down and dirty and he cought me by surprise and was so incredible. I want to hold his hands above his head and make out like a madwoman. Kiss him and lick and tease him until hes breathless and then when we cant stand it one minute more, give it to me like I want you to baby. Like only you can. I want us to have the most wonderful night, just me and him, and I know we will. He doesn't know im a bellydancer, he doesn't know that I cant wait to feel him behind me with his chest against my back and hold me tight and kiss me and make me scream. So dizzy and spinning and seeing colors and stars. I can't wait until he loves me down like a wildman. I need that, I need to show him how I feel and get it out and let him go do what he has to do. I know there is no guarantee of tomorrow. I want to make another night to remember. When he said this was the greatest night of his life, when he said that our date was the best date he had ever been on.. He said those things from his heart. It meant everything to me.

We're gonna play the what if game most definitely when hes on vacation and far away. Oh yes. Im giddy and feeling sheepy because this is a first, but he's my baby and ne needs to see that I have a wild side too. Just for him. Look what you do to me! No matter what he'll never forget me. I will make sure of that. Im backing away and focusing on my own needs right now and I know it's the best thing for me. I love him like a psycho, but I need some space too.

I needed a welcome break too!

Funny! We both signed on to yahoo at the same time and then got off and went invisable. He took his laptop with him this time which is cool and it meant everything to me that he said hello last night. He didn't have to and I would have never known... Love ya baby, but i need some down time too. This break is for me as well and I needed time to get my own life and goals in order and thinking positive and strong.

Just to stay grounded...
46 Lessons my girls must know...
46 lessons that MUST be learned in relationships:
1. If a man wants you, nothing can keep him
away. If he doesn't want you, nothing can make him stay.
2. Stop making excuses for a man and his behavior.
3. If you have ANY doubt in your mind about a man's character, leave him alone.
4. Allow your intuition (or spirit) to save you from heartache.
5. Stop trying to change yourself for a relationship that's not meant to be.
6. Don't force an attraction.
7. Slower is better.
8. Never live your life for a man before you find what makes you truly happy.
9. If a relationship ends because the man was not treating you as you deserve then heck no you can't "be friends." A friend wouldn't mistreat a friend.
10. Have faith in God regarding your relationship, but don't let faith make you stupid. God does things decent and in order.
11. Don't settle.
12. If you feel like he is stringing you along, then he probably is.
13. If he keeps changing his mind about the relationship--take that as a BIG sign that he is unstable. Do you really want to be with a man like that?
14. Don't stay because you think "it will get better." You'll be mad at yourself a year later for staying when things are not better.
15. Honorable men take care of their business and
aren't involved in a whole lot of mess.
16. The only person you can control in a relationship is you.
17. There's only one 'reason' a man dumps you; he doesn't want you.
18. Avoid men who've got a bunch of children by a
bunch of different women. He didn't marry them when he got them pregnant, why would he treat you any differently?
19. You really do have to kiss a few frogs before finding the prince.
20. Always put yourself and your happiness first.
21. Always have your own set of friends separate from his.
22. Maintain boundaries in how a guy treats you. If something bothers you, speak up.
23. Like from the show Sex and the City, if he doesn't call, he just isn't that interested.
24. Be honest and upfront.
25. Know when to cut the cord, don't be strung along.
26. Don't fall for the "I'm confused role". Remove yourself from the situation to let him figure things out (but don't wait for him, move on).
27. If you want to have a clue as to how he will treat you, watch how he treats the WOMEN in his family (not just mom).
28. There's more than physical abuse, there's emotional and mental abuse. If he causes any of them...flee.
29. You cannot change a man's behaviors. Change comes from within.
30. Don't let him place rules on you that he is not willing to follow himself -- double-standard.
31. Don't EVER make him feel he is more important than you are...even if he has more education or in a better job.
32. Do not make him into a quasi-god. He is a man, nothing more nothing less.
33. Demand respect and if he can't give it, he can't have you!
34. Don't compete with other woman, but be aware that men are attracted to what they see.
35. If you think he is cheating, he probably is. Confront him right away and if you feel he's lying, let him go.
36. Actions speak louder than words.
37. Never let a man define who you are.
38. Never rely on a man for compliments, look to yourself for that.
39. Never borrow someone else's man.
40. If he cheated with you, he'll cheat on you.
41. Just because he says he loves you, doesn't mean that he won't hurt you and it doesn't mean that you are meant to be with him.
42. To use painful hard-won wisdom -- 'get it right' the next time.
43. Know that you deserve to be the number one person in the life of the .1 person in your life.
44. Love is a verb ...
45. Learn to give up your lifelong task of trying to make someone unavailable-available, someone ungiving-giving, and someone unloving-loving.
46. A man will only treat you the way you ALLOW
him to treat you.

Im all smiles!

He just sent me a message from Rhode Island. Thinking about me on his vacation and letting me know he has internet access. Sweet sweet sweet. But this is vacation so no big stuff at all. Just hi and hugs :o)...

*I love this man* Forever and Ever and Ever!

Dreams

My italian soldier is on leave and far away. I needed some time just as much to get in touch with myself and what is going on in my own world.

Love my life
Love my kids
Love my family
Love my job
Love my health
Love my hair
Love my personality
Love my charm and class
Love my whole world.

Everything is good. Doable. Im so lucky to be living such a sweet life. Im always thinking about more. Why can't we be together. Why can't this be for real and forever and totally devoted to me and a done deal and hand in hand together until the very end.. Im impatient and want what i want right now and everything sucks until I get exactly what I want. Then when I do, I start on something new. Never really content or satisfied... That's my old way. Never happy about anything, never enough. Never able to just hush and enjoy something for what it is.

What's up with me?? I've given up the Atkins circle of hell forever. Even thought about doing a week just to get back to where I was on 9/17 but no. That is not the right thing for me and if it worked I would be at my goal.

It's about eating what you love, not too much, and healthy good for both your mind and body exercise. I absolutely love the high I get from working out. Just walking makes me feel so alive and on and gorgeous. I resonate from the inside out how sexy I feel and I love it. Making time for me and getting the first things done first. I love being outside and just being a girl and looking really good. I have some real goals and plans. Im young it's not even over. Not a wrinkle on my face and no one would ever guess im 36/almost 37. I love my life and i want to live it the best way I can.

If I had my way, he would be here with me every weekend just for sex. I need it and I want it, I found the one who just flips me out and I want to be close to him in that way. No one makes my skin tingle like he does. I just dont want anyone else - thats it. But I can't drag him to my dungeon and have my way with him. Just wanna be mistress nicole but... im 36 and i need my man. That speaks for itself.

But I have all my free time, can do what I want, learn what I want. Have all kinds of crazy hobbies and answer to no one. I will miss this someday when I have a husband to take care of and a house that can't go unkept. Hell I clean whenever I feel like it and sometimes not even enough. I will miss my freedom when it's not available to me like it is now. It's a nice exchange though. I want to spoil him rotten and do a fun life together. But I also know that I have sometning really good to enjoy right now. Just to stop and realize that I have it really good now even if its missing the very best part named steve :o)

It's just fear of getting old and having no one. Of this part of my life passing me by and ending up with nothing. Sacrificing and doing without should certainly be rewarded later on. When the scales come back to center. What if it doesn't and I end up losing the thing I wanted most. What if he doesnt say goodbye to me and I never see him again. What if something happens and we only shared a night together and hes the one I loved most in my life? These things are what scare me. I dont want to miss out on my love story. But it's not my life story, its our love story and hes the man, he's the lead, hes the one who proposes, hes the one who says i want you to come up here and meet... hes the one who picks me up at the airport. I cant conduct this whole thing by myself or its only mine. If its only mine its a fantasy and not real at all.

Its time for me now. Time to get back to what I love. My faith, spirituality, health, bellydancing, being a woman, being gorgeous and someone to dream about and miss. Loves music and ND, a good mom and neat housekeeper, doing what I love so that im happy on the inside and not just focused on the one thing that I dont have. Im the shit, even right now today, I really am. Im special enough to end up with the one man in the world I love. He needs a friend right now, and I need me to be my friend. My battery operated fun park is going to be it for awhile because until this is over, he is who I love. Thats a risk I will take and not be bitter if it turns out differently than I hope for. I love him and he is my dream come true and I want to be his wife someday. Now is my time to be a good friend to myself and meet my needs and develop the intersts that I have. Now is the time to be a great mom to my kids because the don't have to share me at all. Now is the time to get my figure totally back and look like myself again so when the time is right he will see the real me. Who could resist her? I want this, I want him, but I want me more. I have real work to do and now is *my* time.

My baby loves RI and I do too!

He didn't tell me goodbye, for the 2nd time..

The last time he went home he didn't tell me bye bye either. I called him the night he was leaving for La and he was so happy and sweet and excited to talk to me. He wouldn't have called me then either. I do feel sad but because of that I don't. The last thing he said to me was 16 smiley face hugs on yahoo messenger on wed night. Doesn't he know how much I love him? I feel sorry for him, the man has to make it back from a war. He wants me in his life but not close enough to where I will feel misled. He's leaving in his own words and hates it here and wants to go home. Im blue because I just don't see us married or together forever in the future. It's just too much of a gamble to wish for that and I absolutely love him. He's my perfect match, I couldn't be more attracted to him and his shy sweet way just melts me. Some drinks later he is a wild man and I loved every moment. Its scary, its a sign, its a warning. Im a ding dong. Hes tall and blue eyes and huge shoulders and catholic and good and strong and integrity and sensitive and funny goofy very intelligent, hes everything. If I could ask God to make me someone to love it would be Steve. He made the sun come out again in my life. No matter how this story will conclude, he's the one. I love him and I always will forever. He said to my face maybe i'll take you back east with me.. I know it was just a drunk guy talking, he was talking from his heart though. I know that im special to him but if we ever would have a life together its going to be years from now and that just freaks me out. Who knows but it's 6:45 in RI now. He left here at 12:30 so his plane must have taken off at 1:30 minus and hour atlantic time so he's getting there just about now. Flew over NYC and back home right now and happy. How it feels to be all alone in the world and then at home safe and loved. I know how good that feels and I hope he has a wonderful time.

The long goodbye

It's coming and I could barely breathe today. Im looking forward to this little break for the next 3 weekends I need time to myself and get to my goal by the end of the month. Too much pressure I know he is relieved to get away from here too and probably me as well because I say what I think and it's flattering sometimes and it's awkward sometimes.. Im a big girl now and my common sense tells me that there's a good chance that this is it. The day I have wished for imagining us together always may honestly never come. He won't want to start anything serious when he gets back here because he is leaving and not coming back. I have to look out for me. Keep my options open and date and be a single young woman. I have to take good care of myself and put me first. Ill feel guilty im sure having fun and being safe when he is off in this war, but he had every night to come to me and he didn't. I have to see that for what it is. He behaved exactly this way before he ever saw my face, so it's not personal. Its saving himself from drama and heartache. But hard as he tries, he can't do without me too long. It will be easier to talk when he is gone and that makes me sad. I won't feel so blue because he couldnt be with me if he wanted to. I will see to it that we have our goodbye night and I will talk a good talk and get him where I want him. I will have my closure and send him off with the sweetest thoughts of me and my kiss on his lips.

That's why he's stayed away because he's helpless around me. I didn't do anything or really come on to me and he was all over me and saying the sweetest things. He was sincere and that was his heart talking and that is precious to me. I will look so pretty he will flip out. Im looking more like me everyday. Its going to be fine. Maybe we can pick up when he gets home but I really doubt it. What I do see though is him going home and getting settled in and him flying me up there to see him. I can see him picking me up at the airport and im tan long gorgeous hair, long sexy legs, my baby blue bib shorts on and a white t with lots of skin and just the way he likes it. He would melt. And thats the normal me.

But that is a long long time away from now. He has to make it home from a war first. My poor sweet baby. I can't bug him anymore about oh god im so flippin broke down why cant i see you?? I can't do it anymore because he said for the first time that what he is most concerned with is getting home in one piece. So that's the end of my boo boo pleazzze come love on me!! When he's back hopefully the weekend of the 15th of Dec 16th after my concert I want to make the nicest dinner. IM off that day, I will spend the whole day getting beautiful and making something so yummy for him. That will be our night and that will be it. I want him to be having the time of his life and partying every night and being wild and living it up before they send them off on that plane. We get on the messenger and im hurt, thats my vibe because i wanted us to be for real before he left but it didn't happen. I don't want to be a downer, make him feel bad or awkward. I need to say goodbye and have my way and get this out of my heart and distance myself and back away. I need to get out of the loop and let him be a soldier. I need him to do that for me and then leave me be for awhile and get over this. I need that from him and Im certain I will convince him of the same. He can't be worried about me and whats going on here. He needs to be thinking only of himself and being safe and alert and conscious of everything around him and just self protect and get home. I need closure and a stopping point so I can be what I need to be for him too and that's just a good friend that he can count on but whos not in it for self serving reasons.. I know he will understand me. I would rather have him be alive and not with me than cloud his thoughts and cause something awful. I can't even think about that but the focus has to be on him now and he has no room for a boo boo baby girl back home. I know that and Im cool with it. Just need some love.

Diary of a mad woman- no a bad woman!

I know we had a bridge or an understanding yesterday, but I will never be satisfied being someones friend when I really love them. I need love in my life, I need connection and passion and hugs and tenderness. I can't wait and put my life on hold until Feb of 2007 and then he leaves and I am left with nothing but a broken heart. I can't gamble my future like that. My heart says wait and love him and be patient and see what happens. My head says I can't do it and I shouldn't do it because I don't have a promise, or an i love you please dont love anyone but me. I know how I feel about him, If he asked me to wait I would with no hesitation, but that is not going to happen. Im tired of being negative, Im tired of being down and crying at night time because I want him close to me. Its not fair to me or my kids, none of it to put all my eggs in this basket. I want him more than anything in this world, I would marry him tomorrow and I don't know if that is me just loving him because I can't have him or me loving him because of who he is and his character. It's a strong both. Im in love and he knows it and he is being cautious for me and for himself. He doesnt want me waiting for him expecting him to come back and marry me. So here's my plan. I just want to get this over with as soon as possible in Dec and say my goodbye. I want to have the most wonderful night and plan something special for him. Have our night and say our goodbye and I need closure and then I can be his friend. I want him to come to me and sweep my off my feet and love me forever. That's not going to happen. So I do need to smartly and non chilantly make my move. I need closure for myself and then be friends and do whatever. If he comes home and we pick up that will be great but my common sense says it will be more distant than this because he just wants to go home.

He's leaving on Friday for 3 weekends and that will be a big relief because he knows im hurting and he doesnt like being the one doing it. Im tired of all this drama. I feel like I have banged my head against the wall one time too many and im tired of it now. I just want to say goodbye and move on. I love him but ive done everything I can do. And he needs to worry about his safety and getting home staying alive and safe and not worried about me and whether im having a breakdown. We need to say goodbye and understand that this is it and let him go. I know what I have to do and we will both be better off because of it.

Better get my whip and chair out giggle and plan something so wonderful. It will be. How could it not be, it's me and steve. God heals the world two by two, there is nothing wrong with two people making love and I know this is the right thing to do.

Why does love hurt so bad?

Well I did it. I sent him a note saying that i'd had enough and couldn't deal with the internet friends and all that bs. Didn't understand why I hadn't seen him, maybe i misunderstood... I love this man. He just told me the truth finally straight away and I knew it all along. Hes going away for a year, next month, and then if he makes it back hes getting out and going home. He didn't want to start something and hurt me, hurt him. Of course he cares. Im scared of the way I feel and all i want in this whole world is just to be near him. Hes not mean, not inconsiderate, not a drunk fool, not a hoe man, not all of those things that I thought. Hes just a guy going off to a war and doesn't want either one of us to end up devistated so why even start it. He said point blank he doesn't want anything going with anybody. Its not me and it never was me. I felt so relieved just to say it out loud. We both knew what was up, what was wrong. I took it like rejection and nothing else. So now we can just be friends and see what happens. And when I make him his going away dinner im going to serve him up a plate of sex so hot he won't even know what hit him. Send him off across the ocean with a smile and know he is loved. I have to play this down and quit being so focused on him. I have to focus on me now and be strong and happy and let this go because there may not be any future for us together. But when he sees me there is no way in hell he could keep his hands off of me. I remember everything and now I feel like me again and this distance was not him rejecting me at all. It was just being smart. I love this man and my sweetest wish is that he will marry me someday. I love him that way.

And damn Tom Brady is fine. I never even knew who in the hell he was or the Patriots. He's brought so much into my life, good things, funny things and most of all he taught me the meaning of .... lust! Im 36 and i need my man.

What am I so afraid of?

I don't like being so serious and uptight all the time. Again tonight, nothing, not a word all day. I was smart and had a fun day and didn't worry about it. Im reading a book for the third time what smart women know. Im not in love, that is not realistic, im in an obsession because my needs are not being met at all but when I speak up he sends something reassuring and then its back to the same thing. Im being toyed with, played, manipulated, strung along. For the eleven hours of whatever happiness I felt, there have been months, nights, lonely weekends, misery and self doubt and drained confidence. I want something special in my life that I can count on, that is strong and stable. I want something real, and one minute he offers it and the next takes it away. No one ever said I have to play along with this. To ignore me again tonight and not even a hello, I think is so mean. I think he doesn't know what to do and is just wanting out because im not happy like this and he doesnt want to hear about it or have a relationship together before leaving for a year next month. Or Jan now supposedly.

When he walked out of this door, I had no idea that this was it. I thought we were a couple, that he would be around and go do fun things together. I was wrong. He can't be angry at me for having a reaction to that. My hopes went from heaven to hell and what does he expect? I want him to know that Im totally fine (because I will be) and let this go. No one is worth being so lonely about. We can be friends and thats cool because I know in my heart that Steve is not the guy for me. He's not my type at all and I thought he was. I don't see any future at all for us together and I realized that about two weeks ago. I was just so caught up in the disappointment part of it that I didn't even pay attention to his character. Hes a good guy and loving and sweet and very intelligent and charming. He is a dream. But the drinking, the flirting, the ladies man that I am not going to spend the next 20 yrs of my life trying to make him my man in haste, I can see the writing on the wall. I need someone who would cherish and love only me. Something here just doesn't add up and I would never want to be with someone who picked me because nothing better came along. I am beautiful on the inside and outside, good and strong and special. I know that and no one can shake that out of me. I don't want to be with someone who can't see the real me. He is blocked off for some reason and I don't understand it and I don't care anymore. I can't say that I wasted these 8 months of my life because I made a friend and I do value that. I just know that there is no romantic future here for me and I need to let him know that Im fine and tacitly let this go. Im so over this and Im so thankful he was himself and let me see the things that I question, that I know I could not deal with on a permanent basis, I don't want this instability in my life. I want a guy to hang out with and be boring and stable and normal and cook together and love together and spend our time together just being goofy and silly and having fun. Forever. I want something I can count on to be there, someone to cry to when the day is over, someone to protect me through the night, someone to receive love and tenderness and return it to me with no hesitation. I would never marry someone who made me feel like I have to earn or trick them into sharing their time. That is too selfish and inconsiderate, insensitive. I would never invite that into my life because I have been there before.

I feel like I just got my brain checked back into my head finally. Thinking with my heart only got me devistated. I knew when he was here that something was off. He has just as many emotional issues as I do but he won't talk or give an inch. I can't save someone or help someone who won't let me in. Im tired of waiting, tired of reasoning, tired of crying and feeling like what did I do wrong? Tired of telling him sweet things and playing along in this game. Tired of giving every thing I can and getting absolutely nothing in return. Tired. This is not for me and I have already cried it out. No one deserves to be treated this way especially me and why anyway? I'll always care and hope everything is going good for him. I'll pray for him when he goes away. If he someday marries and is a wonderful husband and is suddenly what I wanted him to be now I will be destroyed but that is a chance I will freely take. I can't make that mistake for a third time. I love people too much and dont protect myself. I thought that if I just showered him with affection and attention that he would need me in his life, that I would be essential, that he would ache for me and be what I needed him to be for me. It was true and I want to love someone like that. I dont want to hold back and play games and act like an evasive bitch so he will chase after me and some crazy on/off chase. This isn't high school, I want a love story, I want my true love, I wanted him but now I realize that I ignored the signs that were there all along. Im curious to know if he has ever been in a long term relationship. Im sensing that something is wrong and just curious to know why and how has he managed to stay single all this time? It doesn't matter I guess. Im not turning myself upside down for a man ever and this is where I stop and walk away. He is not the one I am looking for or need in my life. He's just not and im sad but I will go forward and love someone from my heart still. I deserve every good thing and I believe that down to my core. Im not even close to over yet and it's so wonderful to take good care of myself and walk and tan and eat healthy. I feel so good because every day is a sucess for me. Next year at this time I will be so totally different. Good days are coming and I do cherish my friend. I do love him i guess in a way but Im really certain that this is not a road I want to travel anymore.

He doesnt need some big notification or explanation. Just be friendly and aloof and nothing implying that we are romantic at all. Just friends. Move on. Go out. Talk about it. And Im busy.. If he asks me point blank what happened like I have so many times, tell him I tried everything and just realized that this was not for me...

Just have to laugh/no more tripping

Im feeling like I need to just completely turn my whole thought process around. He is not the one for me. For one reason. He likes to chat with women all over and for what who knows. I would never want to be married to some man who has a private life away from me on the internet. That's exactly what I would get. He told me today about some woman in England wanting him to send him money and some model in africa wanting him to cash her paycheck. All this time- this week I was really blue and stubborn waiting for him to contact me and nothing. I was wrong this morning just saying hello. I was crushed to hear that he talks to other women although I knew it. Something was off all this time and why would you rather spend your time in front of a computer talking to people you will never see. When he knows how I felt. FELT. Im so turned off. Just cold. He is not what I thought he was. He drinks non stop and totally has this computer passion that I don't understand. He's looking for his dream girl I guess. Arent you a little too old at 37 to be living your life in windows world.

When you love someone you accept them, good and bad and you don't make them change. I could never live my life with someone like this. I just had to step back and laugh. I think that is a waste of time and he's a fool. Im not going to be waiting around anymore. Im done. Im so hurt that we will not have a goodbye. It would be humiliating to me because I know he doesn't really care for me that way. I would just feel used and I didn't the first time because he said we were a sure thing and it didn't matter if we did or didn't that night because it was just me and him from now on. How many times has this been said? How many times has this happened. I feel yucky like he's kinda man hoeish and that is a total turn off.

I want a husband who thinks im the greatest catch in the world. Who loves me from his heart and who misses me. Who can't wait to be near me. That's the way every boyfriend I have ever had in my life felt about me except for him. It hurts and it's confusing and I feel stupid for making this into some love affair when really im just some chick in a long line im sure of one night love you forever bs. He ruined my night, now our date night seems cheap and dirty. Just some handsome insecure drunk soldier running his game. I loved every moment we had but I realize now that im nothing special to him. And even if I was it's too late now.

I saw him on and off the page ignoring me and if I hadn't said hello today I bet he wouldn't have sent me a hello anyway. Im glad I got a huge kick in the face of reality today and put my intuition to rest because I was right all along. If someone came on to him, he would not resist. I don't trust him and I don't think I ever could. Not after all of this. It's just over. I almost have to laugh because he is acting like a 20 year old and this is normal for him. He loves it. What a weird way to be. I guess women = sex and nothing else. He sure doesn't need me.

What have I learned here in this whole little drama. You never put someones needs above your own. You never neglect yourself or the people you love because someone isn't being what you need them to be. You never trust someone before they earn your trust. Don't sleep with a guy on the first date. Just dont do it. Make sure the man always loves you more. Be a bad girl. Be snooty, conceited, nervy, bold, audacious, sweet, feminine, prissy, girly tease. Be yourself and dont ever compensate your self or integrity for what if. If the man isn't taking the bait, move on. Only love people who love you....

Im not mad, I just was wrong. He never asks about my kids. He doesn't ask about me my dreams nothing. Its just lol brb im getting drunk... thats stupid to me and pointless.

I found myself being negative all the time, feeling like what is wrong with me? Nothing is wrong with me. I was in my boat paddling so hard on rocks going nowhere, not even in the water. I do care and I hope he finds what he is looking for, im not wasting another minute of my life on this crap. That's what it is. How would my life be improved if we were together? It wouldn't, not in any way that would be different from any other guy. What I loved about him are qualities I can find in someone else. Back to the Marty thing. I learned alot about myself, I never knew I had a jealous streak. I never had to compete for attention or long for affection. I never knew how compuslive I really was until October when he didn't do what he said but still talked to me everyday to be the good guy. My whole identity and self confidence went away because rejection was the main emotion that I felt day after day nonstop and why? I still don't know. Im beautiful and I really do need a devoted and sincere man who adores me and loves me for real. Someone who feels that my happiness is his happiness. I feel that way. I want to love someone and make him so happy and be his angel and devil too... I want to be closer and intimate on a level that I have never known. I want to be comfortable and free to be uninhibited and wild with my husband. I could never feel safe with Steve now knowing what I know. I wish him happiness but it won't be with me.

The most important lesson I took away from this is knowing that I am the only thing in this world that I really own. No one and nothing should shake me. I am the most important person in my world. I take care of me because there is no guarantee of anything else. I love me and respect me and honor me because I know im a wonderful woman who deserves every good thing. Life will deal you many dissapointments, don't let yourself down too. Those words have never been more true. I love you grama. Nickie

WHAT A JACKASS

THIS FUCKING FRUIT LOOP. I'LL GIVE YOU A VACATION ALRIGHT.

What the hell? Im not crying today. No tears running down my face at the stoplight today. No message no nothing for 3 days I think. Tuesday he said i dont let things bother me anymore. Well good for you. Jerkoff. Im so angry. I would never in a million years treat him this way just flat out ignore someone. I haven't sent anything either except for yesterday just to say hello. And nothing. I can see he is on the page mornings and night and why all of a sudden is there no communication for me. I don't need this. I have never in my life been treated this way and its shocking like I can't believe he is really doing that. WTF? Could he really purposely just ignore me and why? What did I do except love his drunk stupid ass. I do not need this. I can do much better than this. I was wrong about him. There is clearly something wrong with him. I might be chubby but I really am the best catch in this town and I do not deserve to be treated this way. My feelings are so beyond crushed. I don't feel the same and I don't think I could get that back now. I hate the fact that im angry with a soldier. That makes me feel bad inside. But how could he be so cold to me and what the hell for, why? I made such a mistake flipping out last month and gained and just lost it. I was devistated. I thought ( because of what he said to my face) that we were going to be together. That I would get to see him and just hang out.. what is the big fucking deal? He acts like some freak towards me. I don't know what in the hell he does, or fearingly who with. I can't even say goodbye like I wanted to because I don't know what in the hell he is doing. Hes not with me and thats all I need to know. Im so hurt that I trusted someone like this, he knew that I didn't want to be the only one in this, he knew how I felt and here goes just like a typical weasel and disappears. No real man would behave this way. And towards me of all people. He'll be in for a big surprise when Im so turned off I don't even want to talk to him. Im 99% there now.

Lived and Learned for the LAST TIME

I don't have names or dirty words to say. I have a wound on my heart. To wait for months to meet someone and finally face to face and everything was more than good. I feel like im 13 again and broken hearted over some boy who said all the right things and then left cold. I feel dumb for buying such a load of crap. Take you back east with me, from now on its just you and me, will I see you again hell yes... and as the days pass peeling away from me backing up on his words and taking my secret wish and watching it fall away like the leaves on the trees did at the same time. I see bare branches and I see my raw emotions. Left all alone to cry like some little girl with wounds running so deep that I can't share but hoped to. I wanted someone to turn to, to show me that I wasn't damaged or unlovable. That I wasn't just some faded little flower in the dim light. I can't think of words to explain how I feel. To be ignored flat out and time for anything but me. I have never been treated this badly by anyone. I must be crazy to have gone along with it and bought it all, read into it and my radar must be off the chart, searching for some little clue some little hint that I am important and nothing matters but getting drunk, flirting with any girl who looks his way and soaking up all the adoration from some idiot like me. I feel like a total fool. Throwing my heart out like some schoolgirl just to get it tossed right back no thanks. But tell me how much you love me first... Yes it bothers me very much, he was in my bed, I was the one that took care of him and this is what I get, to have to witness all this and apparently its not a reflection on me, harmless innocent flirting. I must be not worth the hassle, the love of one girl isn't worth giving up all his pointless hobbies. Who would rather sit behind a computer screen than be in person. Thats weird like emotionally crippled weird. Im done with this. I need this man like I need a bag of stones to pull behind me every where I go.

I offered him my love, my heart, my trust, my friendship, my adoration, my life, my kids, my family, everything I had was up for a chance and he would rather walk away. I feel insulted and humiliated and after seven and a half months of talking everyday yes I sure did think it was safe to tell him how I was feeling. By some minute chance that Im taking this all wrong, is it even worth hoping for? NO. Seeing him in person one time in all those months. He lives 5 minutes from me. He makes Rob look like the greatest guy in the world. Driving 3 hours one way every week to see me and then turn around and go back. The gas it must have cost to get here and just the effort. I knew that I was precious to him. It wasn't right for me, but he made me feel normal and not destroyed by divorce. He was open to me and he tried, even if it was in the wrong way and I didn't trust him, he tried.

Im done with this now. Im back to me- and only me- 100%. I have no one in my life, no ones love do I possess at all and Im open to every magical thing that is possible. Im free and available and I won't sit there and cry and wish it was Steve. Steve had every possible opportunity to crash through and be the love of my life and as much as it kills me to realize and say I was so so so wrong, he never gave me the time of day. Im just another one night stand that meant absolutely nothing. Hes cold and empty and that is not what I want or need. I wanted to rescue him and love all his hurts away and he would not let me in so here Nov 1st is where I got totally off. It's over and it doesn't matter if he comes around or not. I dont want to be friends with someone I slept with, someone I wanted to love me and rejected me, I don't want to be friends and secretly wish I was his instead of who im with. It's time to walk away. I have said everything possible, I did everything to please him because I wanted to, I wanted him close to me, I loved him and I loved his body and I adored him and he left me just like every disappointment before.. Im done I can't handle this and Im better than this.

I have kids who need me, I need me, my family needs me, my job needs me, my body and health need me, my dreams need me, my goals need me. Steve doesn't need me at all so this is where I say goodbye. In my heart I know this is over, he jerked me around too long, and now im not warm to it anymore. I don't feel the same and he smashed my affection down until it was dying on the floor and now its no longer there.

The one person in this world that I really love is married with a new baby now. Im not going to be left emptyhanded again. This is not going to happen to me again. I love too much and I give too much and look what has happened. Where do I say enough, Im not going to deal with this. Im not a doormat, Im not something to take for granted. My love is worth gold, my love is worth heaven, my affection and trust are not given freely, it's a gift. I loved his potential, I fell in love with what I needed him to be for me. I ignored all the signs,drinking non stop, secretive, went on a date when i was waiting for months, im sick in side I wouldnt see the truth because I wanted him to be everything. My concerns were all validated last month and I will never let myself be so destroyed over some guy again. And we didn't even have good sex. It was just a moment of passion unplanned and avioded until the last second. Thats what makes me mad. Dude I dont want to marry you I just want some sex. I can't even sleep with him now to say goodbye because who the hell knows where hes been. I saw first hand how he goes and every encounter probably goes like that. He took my sweetest date of my life and made it dirty by ignoring me and treating me like a piece of trash and I hate him for that. I do, my love has turned cold and ugly and now I just want peace and move forward.

My Horoscope 11/1/05

AQUARIUS The fear of losing will keep you from gaining. Uptight energy can only hurt your chances at romance. Be easygoing and sweet- your usual self.


I love this. It says it all and so relevent right now. I need peace in my life. Its getting close now and nerves are wild and my tummy hurts all the time and I have a non stop headache. I took 2 tylenols today and it really did make it better. Love hurts. I am feeling ugly emotions and its because I feel so bereft. In a way it seems like he's playing a game and then I think what is he thinking. Does he have a bunch of girls to say goodbye to. Am I really the one closest to him. Does he keep to himself or have I been played for an absolute fool. I would be so destroyed, if that were true. My chest hurts, I put on some weight in Oct staying home and bawling and overeating. My heart has palpatations and im too heavy. It scares me. I decided that enough was enough and I would only focus on me from now on. We haven't even talked today. This is the first weekday ever since we started this on march 21-thats weird. Im sad that he hasn't sent me a hello and it makes me feel like he would like to break away. I would never ever let someone I cared about go around feeling this way full of doubt and feeling isolated and abandoned. I thought we were going to be together. He said we were, that it was just me and him from now on. I can't believe he turned out to be just like a normal guy. I bought it and I feel like a fool. I want something real, someone who truly wants a girl, hes an idiot because im a great catch. I really am and im ashamed of the way Ive allowed this to play out, the way I have accepted being treated. Im tired of it all, I wanted him more than i wanted air to breathe and now I just feel empty and tossed in the trash. Im so hurt but this is just another chapter that I can end at any time. Im a cat too and i gotta lotta lives left baby. Im still Nicole. Might be sad baby blue nicole right now but i still got it baby. Who needs this shit... Not me.