THE RULES

I just have to giggle. According to "The Rules" I have been in error by telling him how I feel.. Yes probably so, but we are not face to face. We have built a friendship and it's been safe and he is receptive to know that someone cares about him.

Im done being nice mushy little girl pleeeeese love me. I have to have a strategy here and this has served me well so far but it has to change now... I have answered every message, told him some important things so he knows where my mind is at... Our first date fell through 5 times when we actually had a date down and I do feel emotionally connected to him and he does too but he is holding back. I think he is relieved to know that I understand and he was worried what I thought when I saw him in his colors.

He's gone Tuesday am and August is my annual month to get it poppin off. I always slim down in august and in 1999 I got down to 226 which looked really good for being 5'11. I love this time of year and Sept is my favorite month in the year and I will be on my way and feeling confident and strong and beautiful. I know he likes me and respects me but I want him to need me and love me. I want him to ache for me and long for me and that won't happen until we meet in person for real and he kisses me. That's next and Im going to blow him away. I have the looks and the personality and the charm. I have it all and there is no valid reason why I can't end up with him and love him forever. I am enough and I have a confidence in myself that I would have never knows if I hadn't gone through a divorce. I really am my best at this moment. I just want the shape to go with it baby.

When he gets back it's going to be toned down. No more love letters, what's the big deal- just want to see if there is anything there between us... You didn't want me as a girlfriend and I had to accept that... reverse psychology... I had to let those feelings rest and come back down...all in the past tense... he will go for it.. if it's his idea -- and he knows that it's not going to be some fight off beat down passion thing, if we do get physical it will be only once and I hope more than anything that we do because I will die if he leaves and I can't have him, I don't know how I could cope with that because I would feel so rejected. I need to show him that I care but only after we have lost at all efforts of restraint. I can only do this once and that will be enough to hold on to. Then the song dolphins cry will truly be all about me and him. I'll be his best friend while he is away and the one that he longs for and dreams about. I want that and when he gets home it's the rules-- start all over -- and make this real. There is no one but Steve for me, Mike who I loved with all my heart he turned out to just be practice because he never even crosses my mind anymore. No one in this world is as wonderful as Steve is and no one could ever take his place in my heart now. He is the end all be all in my story and I love him and I want him forever.

Yes Im scared that Im 36 and running out of time and what if things don't work out and then I just lost another 2 years of my life. This could never be a waste of time when I love him and if I don't take this chance and risk everything I would never forgive myself. I will follow him through this war and be his best friend and wait and love him every second. This is where my heart is and he will let his guard down and let me in. I will be so irresistable he won't have a prayer. Im in, and no regrets. He's worth it to me, I never wanted anyone like this, I never saw so much in anyone, I can't walk away now because my heart belongs to him and he knows it. There is alot going on here now and he will open up and let me in. I know in my heart that he will. When he gets back from this tour I will be under 199, he is going to be the love of my life and I am going to be my very best for him, for me, and we will have our day. Yes.

I think we're through

I sent him a sweet letter saying clearly you need to make up your mind and give me a chance because you are more than a friend to me and this is hurtful to be denied something I want. He's not talking to me so much now and I have been sending non romantic emails to offset what I said. I don't take it back and how could I not fall for a big tall handsome soldier who is wild as the wind. He needs to be considerate of my feelings because I have risked everything and told him how special he is to me. Not the big words, I can't say that anyway, but I feel it inside. Im afraid that I went too far when I told him to think it through when he leaves and I am so not kidding. What hurts me is that all of these tender feelings are directed at him and no one else, what do I do because they are there. Meeting someone new doesn't undo them or erase them at all. My baby sister will be home in 3 hours and summer is on starting tomorrow. Im losing the one I love and gaining my sweetest friend all at once. I won't be so lonely especially now and that is probably a relief to him and I don't come across as clingy anyway. Maybe he knows there is no turning back once this gets started because he is going to love the hell out of me. I will never do anything but love him completely. Maybe he's going to reply to my big love letter on his way to the plane and say something sweet- maybe he will say nothing and hope I forget about him. 6 months is long enough to wait for a first date and I can't be just his friend because he is my everything and I think Im in love with him for real.

I just imagine him laying there beside me in my bed. Not doing anything but just sleeping all warm and soft and snuggly. Just close to me and safe and sweet. And when he's so far away I can just escape to my bed and hold my pillow and imagine him right there because he was. I need that to feel connected when he's a million miles away from me. And I dream of his kisses all over me and his hands on me and his sweet sad eyes and how it will feel to be close to him and feel his warm skin on mine and how lost we will be when finally there's no more holding back. I can't breathe when I think about never kissing him or him never making love to me, I can't bear the thought of never getting these emotions out and never showing him how I feel. I'll go crazy. Just melting in his arms and his kisses make me drunk and being together and belonging to him that's all I want. That's all I dream about. And when he's in Iraq and scared and lonely I want him to remember how wonderful it was to be with me and be safe and loved and adored. I want to be that for him if only he would let me in. He just can't leave me here like this I will be so devistated. What I love about this is it will just be me and him. Hand in hand going through the world together. That is my sweetest dream and my only dream. Just Steve, Always.

IMAGINE A WOMAN

The Goddess in you has the power to remember. All things are possible when you claim your Goddess self. Imagine you are an enchantress, now be the one you imagine.

Imagine a woman who believes it is right and good that she is a woman. A woman who honors her experience and tells her stories. Who refuses to carry the sins of others within her body and life.

Imagine a woman who believes she is good. A woman who trusts and respects herself. Who listens to her needs and desires and meets them with tenderness and grace.

Imagine a woman who has walked through her past. Who has healed into the present and authors her own life.

Imagine a woman who is in love with her own body and believes that her body is enough, just as it is. She celebrates her body and the joys it brings to her.

Imagine a woman who honors the face of the Goddess in her changing face. A woman who celebrates the accumulation of her years and her wisdom. Who refuses to use precious energy disguising the changes in her body and life.

Realize you are this woman.

Hun- Im gonna go puke- ok- yeah- god bless OMG

Wild night. Wild man. I love him with no hesitation at all. He is gorgeous, funny, crazy, hugely tall with big ole shoulders and arms. He saw me and I definitely saw him -in all his glory -and everything is good. Thank you Jesus. I found my man.

MY FEARS

I want to marry this man someday. When I push and put him on the spot he is not receptive to me. Libras can't make up their damn mind and he's going back and forth like a swing. It's time for a heart to heart tonight and Im not calling him because I will cry. I wake up in the morning and Im lifeless and drained because I want him beside me and he's not here. I don't want to be email friends anymore I want him in my life and my heart now. What can I do except put him in the position of being the man and granting my request and take a chance and trust me. It is a matter of life and death, I do understand he can't be worried about me running around and making him look like a fool when he's getting shot at. If his mind is not on his job it could cost him his life and I understand that. I really do and he has heard and seen too many horror stories, he's been deployed for 10 months before and knows how lonely it is and desperate and is probably terrified of opening himself up to that. I would never do that though. I would wait for him forever because he is so wonderful. Maybe he is afraid of his own feelings and he just can't go there. He said in the beginning I just want a pen pal first and then see.. I know he is crazy for me and gently I have to show him that I am safe and trustworthy. I have to see him, I have to kiss him and I have to be close to him or I won't make it. I can't throw him up against a wall because he will run and that's hurtful for both of us because I would be his dream come true. He's going to miss out on the love of his life too If Im not smart and do this right. I have to put my thoughts down sweetly and gently and leave it to him to make a decision while he is away. I understand his hesitation but if he trusts me and knows he is safe with me he can't deny me and he won't be able to stay away.

En Francais...

I love French culture. Don't care for the gov't after 9/11 and not helping us in Afghanistan or Iraq and I don't tell people Im french anymore.. But loving France and French culture is the same as loving my grampa and keeping his memory alive. And their way of life really is wonderful. My family is from Limoges & Limosin, in the late 1700's Antione Coupal sailed to Quebec after losing his wife and child during childbirth, he started a new life and I am a direct descendant.. What I want more than anything is to walk the moonlit streets of Paris along the Siene with the man I love, shop all the cheese wine and quaint little bakeries. I made chocolate souffles today and my kids loved them. I love everything about France and my french heritage. My grampa was one of 7 children full blooded french. English was their second language and they were loud boistrous and loved loved loved new years eve. Love to debate, argued about anything and heavy drinkers and all strict Catholic. Im the real deal and this is something Im proud of.

Things I love: fresh Baguette bread with brie cheese, wine, champagne, beef burgundy over baguette croutons, salad, creme brulee, chocolate a souffle, real truffles, herb baked bread, croissants, blueberries and merangues, mango sorbet, orange marinier in everything, strawberry mousse, blueberry crepes, orange crepes, my homemade bleu cheese dressing and these are just the things I have made myself and all self taught. I love Ina Garten and I have learned so much from her alone. Love it!

Things I want: A country french home... Gardens and lots of flowers everywhere. Trimmed and manicured lawn and shrubs, flower boxes under 2 windows for whimsy, a gazebo to enjoy the sun and summer nights, a terrace with at least one statue of Mary, French blue kitchen with lots of stripes and polkadots, I love periwinkle blue and incorporate that with a darker hue in the kitchen. I love sea green and apricot together over neutral light beige flooring and walls. Lots of dimention and detail in curtains and walls. A 4 post bead to tie up my husband and love him like a french woman yeah!, dust a ruffles and eyelit fabrics, french doors and fireplaces, wine cellar and library. And a greenhouse to grow my own pink and purple flowers in every hue. Plants all over my house so it breathes with life and so clean and well kept it's like walking into heaven. Pictures of everyone I love all over and Steve coming home to me. That's my sweetest dream.

Dinner is served in usually 6 courses: Hors d'oerve, Entree, Plat, Salade, Fromage, Dessert. Very small portions in this particular order.

At dinner, the women are served first by the men. The dishes will go around the table twice so that all women are served before any man is. Even today little children are taught proper table manners. The lady never pours her own water or wine, the man will be chivalrous and make sure her wine a glass never gets empty thus leaving it up to her escort to determine how much she will drink in an evening. It is not proper to take from the cheese plate more than once. The cheese or fromage course is the most important as no substantial conversations can take place until all have been served from fromage plate. Always eat from mildest to strongest and use bread only if necessary.

Conversations are everything. Usually serve the meal at 2 pm and individually served courses will last into the evening. Light topics are for first courses, arguments and debates are for final courses. The entree' is suitable for self presentation goals and relationship goals conversation. French are interested in health, good or bad news until cheese is served! French women may often appear rude and stuck up but they are truly not. Just like their famous baguette, slightly crusty and tough on the outside but warm, soft and full of flavor on the inside. Perfect hair, perfect make up, perfect nails, perfect style, perfect manners, and perfect environment is the image of a french woman.

Love Tea: Rosewater, Mint and Orange.

LIMOGES French Tour

IS HE BLIND?

I sent all those pictures and he didn't say I was pretty. He didn't say anything except he didn't like it when I said I was going out for drinks with friends. I would drop everything and everybody to go milk a cow with him. Damn where are you baby? I love the fact that we message back and forth and talk every chance for the last 4 months today... I just fell in love a little bit because he is so gorgeous and sweet and smart and everything I could want. Ahhh, God please make him love me. Im so totally sprung and it's safe to flirt over the internet and tell him sweet funny things but Im ready to be together and next month when he is at Ft. Polk for 30 days it will be so lonely without my baby. I will be on my boot camp power 90 mission so it's all going to work out and I want to wait for him, I want this man so much and Im not going to push or give an ultimateum. Denise is hell bent on making me feel like an idiot and not demanding he come to me- I was wrong to share anything with her -she turned it around and pitted it against me as usual and finds fault with everything in sight. This is precious between me and him and no one else and I won't divulge anything again. He's my dream come true and I don't have to explain or share anything , I know he cares for me and it will only get better and this is a real foundation and he won't leave me like this, he won't. Im sure of it and I will be ready full of confidence and strength and love just for him. He's not blind. Yesterday said alot when he was protective of me and he has to be the man and test me and be pleased and trust me and then love me forever. Being demanding will ruin this and he will need me and love me. I will be the only girl in his heart if Im not already and I think everything will be fine. I want to be the woman standing there at the field running to him with tears in my eyes when he comes home and tell him that I love him. I want my happy ending, and no one but Steve will ever do. I'll wait forever and he'll be so in love with me that nothing can keep us apart.

I LOVE STEVE AND NO ONE ELSE WILL DO

How in this world could I ever go out with someone else or kiss someone else. There is only one place I ever want to be and that is warm and safe in his arms. I lay there in my bed and imagine him next to me and I just shiver. How is it going to be when he turns to me and kisses me soft and tender and I start to undress him and he whispers no and I take his hand and kiss it sweetly and move it away and do it anyway. How is it going to feel when we're warm and undressed and all over each other. I want him so bad, how could I ever love anyone now but him. Who else went and joined the army in the middle of a war and who could ever be my knight in shining armour but him. Who has those dreamy sad blue eyes and his full tender mouth that is going to kiss me until I melt. His big shoulders, his big strong hands to hold mine with, his long strong arms to hold me tight. And I'll be looking up at him with my blue eyes and long hair and hungry wanton body just aching for him and he will take me to his heaven and I will be so lost and happy and dizzy. I love him, I love everything about him and there is no way in this world I can take up with someone else. I would be wishing it was Steve every second and I couldn't do it anyway. He can't leave me like this, and he won't. Drinking makes it tolerable for him I know it and he can't run from his heart. We will have our day and it's coming and I won't let him get away. I want to be the woman in his heart and I think I already am. He doesn't know what to do and my pushing didn't do what I wanted. I have to convince him that he can trust me. This is between me and him and divulging everything to my friends is wrong. This has to be intimate and personal just between us and now I know what to do.

DENISE- NOT A FRIEND TO CONFIDE IN

I have to keep my guard up around her. And whatever I tell her about anything personal I always regret. She is vindictive and negative and a man hater. She even says she is a snake and this is not someone I want representing my side of anything. I will tell her something as a friend like .. we email sometimes 3 times a day and last night she used that against him. If Steve was running me around that is between me and him and not something I have to defend for myself. She confronted Rob while I was upstairs changing and told him what do you think you are doing, you are not meeting her needs... he was so furious for being called out that he never came back. She sat there and asked him 50 literal questions, insulted him by asking questions that she knew he would say no to belittling him infront of me and he was angry with me for not stopping it sooner than I did and throwing her out of my house. She told my husband - one time I made the comment at 19 that I had these levis on the first time.. she told Marty in front of her family that I said that. It's like no one is allowed to be happy because she is not happy and she oversteps her bounds. Denise is hard and a man hater and loves to confront people and those qualities are what is barring her from love and from ever being a mother. I realized that I can't share anything about Steve with her because she will turn it around and use it to make him look bad, sabotaging me so that I won't have any happiness and therefore leave her to be single by herself. I have my doubts about Steve, but he always comes shining through and Im not ready to push him into an ultimatum. This is my choice and my business and whether we are platonic or lovers it's my relationship and not hers. This is not something I want to share or discuss with anyone so just hush up about it. All Im doing is defending him because everyone thinks he's leading me on. We're not together or having sex, we are friends over the internet so he is not doing anything wrong. I don't want to explain something that is only my business and Crissy is the only one I can talk to about Steve so I just have to get it straight that I don't discuss Steve with Denise because she really isn't a confidant and she isn't looking out for me- it's just fun meddling in my business and I leave myself open for her to insult Steve with what I say. I don't ever want her around any man I care about because in 5 minutes she will attack him and undo anything we have together. She's a know it all and took joy in telling me the first engineers had a 4 day holiday furthermore pitting me against him so we can hate him and all men together. She is not a friend I want to confide in. I have to lay the rule down that this is between me and him and Im not dragging everybody in the middle. Good or bad this is something that I don't want to share with anyone except my sister because she understands and I can trust her knowing she genuinely looks out for me and can keep a confidence.

What do I do now?

So Denise is telling her friend Chris all about me and he wants to meet me and go out and have margaritas all together. What do I do? I have to talk to Steve, get a feeling of where he is coming from. Is he receptive to me, is he just leery knowing he will be gone for so long. I would wait for him forever if he asked me to. I would because he is an angel from heaven. How can I put my whole life on hold for a year and a half and miss out on maybe my happiness and what if he came back here after this war and didn't love me and I ended up with nothing and my youth was gone as well as my chance to have a baby. Because by the time I started something new all over with a new person I would be too old to safely have a child. I want Steve, I want him more than anything and I need to know what he is thinking. We need to meet so I know what to do. I don't have to feel trapped like I do. I could throw up my hands and forget about him and move on to someone new now. But what if I threw away the love of my life. He could be that to me. How I want to kiss him and make love to him and be the woman that he is closest to. I want him to dream about me and miss me and take comfort when things are hard knowing how much I care. I want this so much and I don't know where I fit in to his life at all. He says sweet things and he seems sincere and is slowly letting me in and I don't want to do some wrecking ball and threaten him love me or Im gone. I don't know what to do. I have never cheated on anyone. I couldn't do anything with anyone until he was totally out of the picture because to me that is a lack of character and low rent. Im not that way at all and I don't know where I fit in here or even if I do. How can I spend time with someone else and love on some other guy when the only place in this world I want to be is with Steve and he won't let me in and it's not that he is rejecting me because he's never met me in person just seen 20 pictures... And I look good too. I am gorgeous and there is no way he could resist me. I can't give up yet. My heart says no one else is ever going to do, no one at all. Do I tell him how I feel, do I reassure him as best as I can to give me a chance and from what he says of course he wants to meet me. And when we do get together I am going to put a smack down on that man so good he won't even know what day it is. I have to there will be no holding back and I don't care what I said before. It might as well be the last day the world is spinning because he's not getting away from me. I will charm him and leave him so breathless and dizzy he won't be able to see past his Nicole and that will be it. What else can I do, I have to show him how I feel and no regrets. No matter what happens he has to know how much he means to me. I need to show him and get these feelings unbottled and out of me. Here I have all these friends trying to fix me up with people and Im feeling embarassed and making excuses because I seem to love someone who won't give me a chance to prove that Im trustworthy and for real. All I can do is pray on this. And it didn't help me to find out that the first engineers had a 4 day training weekend either. It hurts me to know that he has time to see me and makes no effort at all. Im worried that he drinks to escape, I know he does. He doesn't miss me at night and ache for me like this because he is either lit up or exhausted.

FIRST LOVE..

i found god in myself
& i loved her
i loved her fiercely

-Ntozake Shange

Be not ashamed, woman...
You are the gates of the body,
and you are the gates of the soul.

-Walt Whitman

One is not born, but rather becomes, a woman

-Simone de Beavoir

I will not compromise myself to keep the peace any longer. It would be wise to avoid attacking and laying traps for me at this point in my life. -Nicole

It takes courage to push yourself to places that you have never been before...to test your limits...to break through barriers. And the day came when the risk it took to remain in a tight rosebud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom. -Anais Nin

Life shrinks or expands in proportion to one's courage - Anais Nin

I stopped loving my father a long time ago. What remained was the slavery to a pattern.

I postpone death by living, by suffering, by error, by giving, by risking, by losing.
There are many ways to be free. One of them is to transcend realty by imagination, as I try to do.
What I cannot love, I overlook. Is that true friendship?

Throw your dreams into space like a kite, and you do not know what it will bring back, a new life, a new love, a new friend, a new country.

The dream was always running ahead of me. To catch up, to live for a moment in unison with it, that was the miracle.

Life is truly known only to those who suffer, lose, endure adveristy, stumble from defeat to defeat.

Life is a process of becoming, a combination of states we have to go through. Where people fail is that they wish to elect a state and remain in it. This is a kind of death.

It's alright for a woman to be above all, human. I am a woman first of all.

- all Anais Nin

AUGUST BOOT CAMP 299

Here is the truth- Worst last summer in Chicago after steroids for hives I can't even bear the sight of that miserable photo, huge, lost and broken spirited, current which is fat and after graduation at 180 and normal..

My goal is to lose 30 pounds by the end of August and I know I can do it. I have fucked around for so many years and now I have to get some results because at 30 pounds I look like me and there would be every reason for a happy ending. I need to do this once and for all and the main reason is that It is ugly and unhealthy. Im ready to do this for me and reap every benefit I deserve. And then Im going to go all the way down to 172 and that is who will meet him at the field when he comes home from this. I want this man and I am not going to go through the no confidence bullshit that I did when I was married the first time. I was with the absolute wrong person and he did nothing to assure me I was acceptable and loved. It was damaging and it's over. Steve is everything I have ever dreamed of and he deserves a happy confident healthy woman. I deserve that too and this is something I must do for myself once and for all. If he can look beyond the physical weight now, I want his reward to be the best I have ever been because I will know that his love is real.

He didn't have a lap dancer, internet was down for 2 days for all of FTR and he emailed me at 5:03 am this morning to say hello. Today was a good day and I emailed him 14 pictures of me and some were recent so he has a clear idea that I am heavy right now. I want to be honest and I want him to know me from the inside as well as physical. So there are no surprises now. I think everything will be fine and I feel good tonight because he knows who he is talking to now like never before. I love this man and I want a second chance at love and if I ever ended up being his wife I want to be the absolute love of his life and I can't be that woman unless I am confident, healthy and happy and that isn't possible at my weight now. It erodes who I am as a person and I don't chose this life for myself anymore. I want more and I deserve more and I love him.

I weigh the same now as I did in this picture. This is it and I was 30 pounds heavier than this last summer so I have already done really well. Im doing power 90 in the mornings and walking 2 miles at night every day through the end of August. Taking a vitamin, no phentermine, totally low carb under 20 per day and I am not fudging and fucking that all up by going over and having no progress for that too. Then Im doing the 48 hour cleanse once a week too and that really cuts the weight down and feels very very good. I can do this- these next 40 days are going to be the pivotal point in my life where I draw the line and get my ass in gear for a happy future. This is it and Im die hard serious now. I will not fail. I will weigh 269 when I meet this man, and then 249 and then 229 and fit into all my good clothes and then it's heaven from there. I looked really good and sexy at 229 and Im not settling for anything less than my all time personal best because Steve is my lifetime personal best. Im worth this and he deserves me happy and self assured and confident.

A LAP DANCE & A HOOKER FOR ALL I KNOW

There is no telling what went down Saturday night and it's none of my business I guess because we're not together, he's not mine. But if I found out that he has kissed another woman while making me wait for a fucking date for 5 months I would be destroyed and that would be it. Im so disappointed and why is this happening? I don't know what to think. Does he just want a pen pal and string me along until he leaves? Does he have feelings for me that he is running from because of being deployed for 14 months. Im tired of analyzing everything and it's draining my confidence and my spirit having to guess all the time. If I just walk away what if he is the love of my life and I throw it away. I don't know what to do and I have told him too many times that I don't like this- he says *maybe* we can meet... in hell and then I wait after being reassured and the day never comes. I am better than this and I don't deserve this. All I can do is just tell him how I feel and let him go. I want to be together. Why do I have to be lonely now when he's here? I understand not wanting to lose your mind in love before deployment and then risk your safety worrying about what's going on back home.. I understand that. But he doesn't know me, he needs to trust me and come to me. There is no one I would rather be with and no where I want to be except in his embrace. Im ready for something real and my heart tells me I would marry him tomorrow. My husband proposed after 5 weeks and that was a disaster- that's not the answer. He doesn't want any surprises-- I already took care of it when he was in the field in May. There's nothing to worry about and Im going to tell him I WANT to see him when he gets back from reservist at the end of Aug.. I have to tell him how I feel and good or bad this is it. I really do understand his hesitancy and going back and forth, but Im sucessful on my own, it's his heart that I want and nothing else. It's a chance that I want to see if he is right for me. Do I want to put my life on hold waiting 14 months for a promise that's not there. NO. I want him and I have to know he loves me before I would do something like that. I'll wait for you if you ask me to and that's the only way. I have a life to live and I want a husband someday and I want the real thing and a happy home and a man who loves me and only me.. I deserve that and I have to have it. Im guessing how he feels and trying to make sense out of why in the hell arent we together? Maybe im right and maybe Im totally wrong and making a fool out of myself throwing my heart out there to be kicked right back to me. I would rather lose and get over something than miss it entirely and I want to be able to respect the people I care about because they are honest even when it is hurtful to me. Don't play with me like this, I want the truth.. I want him and I want him in my bed and beside me in every way. I think Im in love now and if he leaves me without showing me how he feels I won't get over it. That will be the end for me and Steve. I can be patient but this is worrysome to me now and I wonder if he is an alcoholic. Even if he was 14 months & 10 months before would fix itself. I just don't understand this. The time to be lonely and blue is when he's gone, not when he is here and could make it better.

What he doesn't understand is I am the greatest woman in the world. I believe that. I have every talent, every skill, and what I didn't know I sought information and learned it. I can do anything for him and fulfill all his wants and needs. I have to love someone though and know that I am loved completely before I can open up to him that way. Heaven is whispering in his ear and he won't hear me. And when he sees me Im going to blow him away. Im beautiful, Im every good thing and no reason in the world not to love me like I want him to. Maybe that's what's wrong because he feels like when he makes his move it will all be over and no turning back. He's afraid to surrender because there's no going back. That could be it. He's afraid of falling in love and being vulnerable and open to devistation while he is dodging bullets in Iraq. I would sooner believe that and that makes me feel like things could have gotten way out of hand on Sat night because his needs are not filled.

I love this guy, enough to just let him go and see what he does. I have told him openly how much I like him. Im not going to contact him, he will email me and I will keep it short and to the point. I m going to focus on me and take care of me so that when we do meet and I really do feel like it will be in Sept I will be ready and I will have him on his knees. I want him to be so smitten with me that it's all over now and nothing more to say he's mine. He has to trust me and let me in. Quit running Steve and I know he needs some reassurance. Im going to call him late Thursday night because Im going to make him realize that I am real and he will hear my emotion in my voice. I want him and I think he needs a little shove and then some love :o)

THE GODDESS WORKOUT

NECK ROLLS
ARM CIRCLES
ARM WEIGHTS: CURLS, SHOULDER LIFTS, FRENCH PRESS, BACK CURLS
SIDE STRETCH
100 HEEL TOUCHES
100 BACK KICKS
100 TAE BO FRONT KICKS
20 CALF LIFTS
40 SQUATS
60 CT STRADDLE STRETCHES
40 LEG LIFTS EA
20 INNER LEG LIFTS EA
50 BICYCLES
100 CURL SITUPS

POWER 90

& PICK ONE
TAE BO WORKOUT
BELLYDANCE WORKOUT
FIT TO STRIP WORKOUT
MOONLIGHT WALK

Working out is my sanity and I love the way I feel. Long and sexy. Nothing makes me feel as good as the high I get after a workout when everything is calm and I feel 100% alive. This is my saving grace- when I feel sad or lost or frustrated -this is where I turn and it makes me feel in control again.

Im so confused and Im in love with him

I love him. How could I not love him. He is receptive to me and he understands what I am feeling and where Im coming from. He wants to meet me just as much. He sent me the sweetest message yesterday and I know where he is coming from. He's leaving maybe as early as November for 14 months and this is about self preservation. I think he doesn't want to fall in love with me and we are almost there now, we are, and then be over in Iraq for a year wondering if I am running around cheating, making a disaster out of this and a fool out of him. This is not the time to be starting a romance, but he wants a friend, someone who will be there for him. I understand his hesitation because it's hard enough for married people to stay together in the middle of a war and deployment, let alone openly get involved.. It's the mice play when the cats away thing.. I understand that. But if we love each other and I think it's possible he is going to have to trust me and take a chance. I would never handle his finances and all the nightmares that his friends probably tell him about. Im not like that at all and I have my own money anyway. I would wait forever for the right man and if this is where his head is at and Im sure it is. I can't hold back for another 5 months and not completely love him and want him. I want him next to me and I want his body next to me and Im afraid that this will turn physical and very sexual because we are dying for each other. I understand his hesitation but I think it might be hurtful too. I want to love someone I like and enjoy being together. I don't want to mistake love for lust and that's what is going to happen if this goes on. All I want is what I can't have and right now all I want is to feel him wrapped around me and protect me and love me. I need that, I don't want to be just friends. I want to be lovers too and how do I show him and make him see that he is safe with me. I have never cheated on anyone and if I loved him I would wait forever. Im so ready and ripe for this and it's killing my spirit being denied when the man I want is so close to me now.

It's all over now, there's not going to be an us..

I can't hang on anymore. He says to me yesterday regarding our meeting lets play it by ear.. what does that say except he's blowing me off now. When I read that yesterday I had to read it again I could not believe he said that to me after all this time. I was so choked up I couldn't think or breathe. Maybe he didn't mean it like that but this is how I interpret his actions now. What more can I do, I was honest and I told him not elaborately that I liked him and Im attracted to him and I want him. I did everything I could do, I offered him everything I am and now what do I do with all of this that I feel inside. I would rather not meet him now because if he rejected me I would be so devistated. I would rather be friends and meet him when he gets back. It's better for me that way too. It would be different if we met in April and had our summer together and were intimate and knew each other, but it didn't happen and I have to accept that. These months have been so lonely because I opened myself up to love and he never came for me which I don't understand.

I do understand his holding back after talking to my army neighbor yesterday. She made the light come on bright for me. He's a soldier and he doesn't know if he'll be alive in 6 months and he is alone and doing what he has to do and there is no doubt that he wants and cares for me, but this right now is about self preservation. She said I completely understand where he is- they hear stories about their girls back home cheating and cleaning out their bank accounts and it's hard enough to stay together in the military when you are married, and he can't be worried about me when he's over there trying to stay alive.

The things that we have said and shared are true. I know that I am important and special to him . I know that. I can't put my life on hold and be blue and crashed all the time like I am now. I offered him my love and my heart completely and he was receptive to me. If this were 15 months from now and he was coming back after the fact this would be so different and I know it. What can I do except let him go. No matter who I might be with, this torch won't go out. What I feel is real but this is not the time for me and steve. It's not and I had to accept that. All he can offer me is friendship right now and it hurts but I do understand. My heart is broken just knowing that we'll never kiss each other, we'll never have each other. I wanted that so much. I wanted to be close to him and love him and show him how I feel. Keeping that bottled up inside until forever just hurts. And I feel like no matter who I might be with I will always wish it was Steve. Tears are running down my face right now because I feel so much and now what do I do except play it off and hide it and just be friends. I don't want him to go off to a war and never have me. If something happened to him I would always regret not being together because this is where my heart is. I don't know how this will end or if it will. I don't know anything except this is all we can be for right now and it hurts and Im hurting and how could I not love him. Maybe he feels exactly the same way.

Dreams

Silver sheets sprinkled with moon dust
Our clothes lying there on the floor
Your scent, your arms around me tight
I could never ask for more
Your body pressed so close to mine
I can feel every move you make
Im lost imagining you loving me so sweet
From this dream may I never wake...

I took a huge jump today and maybe not good

I can't hold all this in and act as if everything is wonderful when Im so blue inside. I don't know what he does or why he doesn't come for me. I don't like being negative and low but damn I want to be with him, I want to touch him and kiss him and be close. Why isn't he here I don't understand. I can't cry because he's not coming to comfort me. I told him how I felt and how I didn't want to go on with this and everything else. Not being ugly but being honest. I feel something here and I want to share this with him and I don't know where I stand. Im tired of wishing and hoping and coming up with nothing. I might love him and I know I would if he loved me but we won't know until we meet in person and when will that ever be. I felt like I had to speak up and draw a line or he would not respect me. I don't want to be without him, I don't ever want to hurt his feelings or make him sad for something he can't control. I want to comfort him and take care of my baby before he goes off to this mess. Let me be a little bit of heaven before he goes off to fight a war. He did come back and tell me he apologized. He could have been short or did nothing but what does that mean. I feel like I had to do that I didn't have a choice - I don't want to lose him but he has to come to me. I have laid my whole heart out there for him to do anything with and what I was most afraid of is this: The first time I really spoke up and made *** mad after over a year of dating he was so angry that he never came back. I wouldn't put up with his nonsense and he took off. Please don't do that to me. Be every wonderful thing I think you are and come get me. Steve is everything I have ever wanted and maybe this is me testing him. There was nothing and nobody before him, he makes all my boyfriends look like total clowns and I want him to love me and be there for me and be my man. That's what I want. I don't know how this will turn out. My whole body is just screaming out for him so maybe we do need a little break and he can make up his mind if he wants me enough to do something about it. I will be so devistated if he doesn't come for me.

DID GOOD TODAY

Well I lasted until dinner on my 48 hr liquid diet. I had to have some chicken after work so went to KFC. All I had was meat so it shouldn't hurt my progress. I did 2/3 of my VA training so that is good. I have the last third plus the test to do over the weekend. I told Steve one more time the same thing. He has to make his move pretty quick because Im ready to give up. My feelings are strong and real and he is not receptive to me. I don't understand what he wants. I don't understand what this is. I feel like I just can't be teased anymore I want him and how is he going to be a man and not want to throw me down. I want him and where is he? What is wrong? I don't understand what is happening. He doesn't even know what is on my mind and I want to be with him and no one else that is what's wrong. I feel like I need to walk away and save me from myself because Im an open book, I love someone and I tell them not him but not far from it, I want him in my bed loving me loving him I want him and I don't understand this. I don't want to give up I want to be with him tonight and every night and I don't know what to do. Im so far gone- this has been drug out way too long and now Im almost afraid to meet him because I won't be able to hold back. Im tired of imagining and dreaming.. I want to be in love with the one that I love.

And all I can imagine and dream about is us together saying goodbye when he has to leave. I want to be physical and emotional and beautiful and tears and romantic. I want it all and only with him. I will die If I never get the chance to show him how I feel. I am so full of emotion and I want to share this with him. No one is going to do except for Steve and everything I feel is for him. I want to make love to him and belong to him and send him off knowing that he is loved. He is loved and wanted and needed by me.

IT'S A NEW MOTHERFUCKIN DAY!

I need to watch the Queens of Comedy BADLY. That's the plan for later tonight. It's 5:30 on day 1 of the 48 hour liquid cleanse from hell. It tastes so nasty but it will undo the partying from this weekend...

God I want I want I want --I want to look really cute and confident and self assured when we hook up and I don't know when that will be because I have games tonight and then the demolition derby on Sat night. Im going to that so... it may be next weekend or maybe never who knows. If I knew where he was and I had a green light from him I would hunt him down tonight just to get it over with. I feel like being bad and it's gonna be a long night. Im here all alone left to my own vices and who knows what that might mean. I want him here with me more than anything and the longer we drag this out or he does.. it is going to be impossible to behave and that makes me angry. Yes I want him so bad but not like that. That is just begging for a brokenheart and how often will I ever see him. I want us to be together and yeah Im freaking all out wondering if he will love me or not.

Hell yes he will. What is there not to love. Yeah Im not skin and bones anymore like I used to be but Im pretty enough to pull it off. I have goals and If Im not the yummiest thing he has ever seen I sure will be. All my boyfriends were fine but I can't broadcast that. I feel like I have waited forever for someone who I could love from my heart and he's here I think and I don't want to wait anymore. And something happens to your whole auora when you are in love. It's an intoxication that is so obvious, nerves on fire, heart is pounding, your whole life is a marshmallow. When I know that he is into me and I know Im safe and wanted I will be beaming so bright. It's wonderful to be in love and I want to be in love with this soldier. I adore him and I want to know that he feels the same way. I wonder what goes on when he lays down to sleep at night is he going crazy like I am does he imagine what it will be like. I can't sleep I can't think I can't hardly breathe without thinking of him. And I just ache to have him near me. Come to me and kiss me and wrap yourself all around me and love me. I don't want to go through my life without someone I really care for. I want to make a difference to someone. I want to be essential to someone. I want to know that his life was kissed and made better by me and no one else could do for him. Maybe Im wrong and I won't feel this way when we are together but that seems as outlandish and crazy as I could imagine. I want him and how do I make him need me and really love me...

wannakissyou yeah that's what I said :o) finally

I absolutely am out of my mind over this guy! He is so sweet and handsome and smart and tall and sexy and funny and serious and charming and he's everything to me. And I spilled the beans today being pretty feisty like I am. I was more myself today than I really have been with him before. I was a little shit today and it felt good. And caught his attention too which made me giggle. So Steve if you want a chick who's not afraid to show her ass once in awhile you just hit the jackpot hahaha.

Who knows what the weekend will hold but Im doing the 48 hour thing and then right back on my normal low carb life. It works and it's consistant and It makes me feel so good. When I've od'd on sugar like this weekend I just feel slow and sluggish and really irritable. It doesn't work for me so Im sticking with what works... I wish I could drop 70 pounds overnight and be absolutely gorgeous when he sees me but it's not going to happen. I think Im pretty enough to pull it off and I will be sticking hard to my plan through Xmas so I will be ok anyway. I want this man more than I want air to breathe and if he doesn't think Im absolutely wonderful I will be devistated. I have thrown my heart right out there for him to do whatever he wants to with it and who knows how this will play out. All I know is the only place in this world I want to be is in his arms safe and warm and loved. That's what I want.

Im reading how to unleash your inner sex goddess.. and it's just what I needed. It's wonderful and perfect timing. Just to be warm and sweet lying next to him and feel him kiss me tender and slow I would just melt absolutely melt. I have never wanted anyone like this and to risk everything and put it out there and trust him to be careful and be sensitive to me. I know he is something really special and I can tell he is trying to be so calm on the outside and bubbly on the inside just like me. He's got alot of time invested here too and I don't want to let him down. I know he is passionate I can just tell and I am so turned on and hug my pillow so tight and Sunday night on July 3rd when it was raining and I was here all alone I wanted him with me so bad I could have cried.

Got my pretty smile back just now after 26 years..

Unbelievable. It looks good and I think I will get a white tooth and look gorgeous. He did it right and it did not hurt at all. Just ate dinner and no pain nothing. I can't wait to show the boys and my mom.

Steve really pissed me off this weekend and I don't know if I feel the same now. Yes I understand but if it was me I would have moved a mountain to get to him and all I wanted was for him to walk up behind me when the fireworks were going off and surprise me. After all this time yes I really hoped we would spend some time together over the weekend. He didn't communicate with me at all after Thursday afternoon and I let him know today that I didn't like it. I had fun but he should have made some time for me. It was insulting and I don't know if I want to meet him now...

But I did see John Payne and Tim and Chuckie. It was so nice to catch up with them and Tim is bald now. They were teasing me about my 80's rock star hair and how good it was to grow up when we did. Nothing beats the 80's. Van Halen and old school and we had the best of times. They had a fit when I introduced Jordy - Tim asked him do you play football- yeah he plays everything.. To see Jordy there confident and shaking his hand and grinning ear to ear. I was so proud of my baby. It was sweet. And Craig was on duty and checking me all out. Damn he is fine but he really is too old for me. And all I wanted was my Steve and nothing but a total let down. I mean I wanted to cry because it was a perfect night and I looked good and where is he? Next year it will be the same thing because he will be gone. And Im just like what are you doing? I can't go flirt with other guys when I have something started with him, and then I feel like why not why did you let Craig slip the first time because Steve doesn't give a hoot about me. He doesn't or he would be here. Im just waiting around for someone who won't give me the time of day and he even knew that Craig had asked me out. WTF?

Times are changing because as soon as Crissy gets home I won't have time to stand here and ponder this nonsense. He better make his move becasue I just don't think I am anything more than an internet friend and when will we get to see each other anyway even if we did hit it off.

The glamour of being a french girl

The death of Luther Vandross has affected us all and made it clear to me that overweight dieting up and down is so dangerous to my body. He was 54 that's only 18 1/2 years away for me. 19 years ago I was 17. That was yesterday. Im not going to yo yo anymore. I don't like Atkins because all the soy and fat can't be good. I don't like phentermine, I don't like medicine. I have to eat less and work out more. It's back to the food mover which is constant balanced diet including sugars and breads but limited and healthy quantities. We eat too much and we eat out all the time. These bad habits have to stop. I want to enjoy food and make it enhance life and make it magic. I want good chocolate, good wine and cheese, good bread, and just a little tiny bit and really gorgeous desserts and fancy special dinners. I want to change and do something I will live with and love.

French is it. French is me. I hate the french people because of sticking it to us in Iraq but I like the culture and I love my heritage. Loving french is loving my grampa, speaking french is keeping my grampa close to me, drinking wine and fun times and new years eve and being catholic is loving my french background and keeping the faith.

My love of France and my heritage will always be strong and something I cling to. It's safe and reminds me that I am special. French women are classy and slender and confident. Im on a journey and discovering this french girl in me and developing her skills is my goal now. I love to work out, I love discovery and walking and passion and romance. Im not going to continue living the way I was. I want a better life, a better body, a better outlook and more charm and purpose. More confidence, more audacity, more internal strenth and more external beauty. I don't want to be so aware of myself, so self conscious, I want to be beautiful and totally in the moment. I want to exude prettiness and charm and confidence and strength. When I speak to someone it's sweetness and totally focused on us. Unaware of anything else going on around us. I want to develop this part of me that makes me happy and confident. It's about drawing good and right people to me and being on and sexy. Men like curves, men like big women, men like long hair and pretty eyes and clean fresh sweet air about a girl. I have the whole package, and exercise makes me feel long and lanky and sexy. My day is coming and I will be ready and confident. The french call a gorgeous vision a goddess. I was born for this discovery and Im so happy to be here. It's not about Steve, it's about me. I deserve this and becoming every wonderful thing I was born to be is happening right now.

It's the walk of a goddess, the slow clear sweet voice of a goddess, it's her soft touch, her sway in her hips, her long tan legs, her pretty fingertips, her sweet perfume, her long shiny hair, her air of confidence and glamour, her coquette glances and sweet shy grin. Her tender kiss and soft touch, her unshyness in bed, her awareness of love and passion and sexual love.

Can he handle me? That's the question. Im a wink away from her now. And I will test my charm tonight...

I CAN'T BE THE ONLY ONE IN LOVE

He's going to let this whole weekend pass without any contact with me. I can't accept that. That's mean and selfish and there are fireworks tonight and tomorrow night. I think I deserve some time after I have waited so long and tried to not give him a hard time. I feel almost insulted and it makes me think that he might be an alcoholic. How can you be a man with a sex drive and normal healthy emotions and rather be with your friends drinking on your free time instead of a woman who cares about you. That doesn't make sense and shows every indication of having a drinking problem. I have to accept the fact that Im not a priority to Steve, if I was he would move mountains to get to me. Two and a half months have passed since we first decided to meet and that is just not acceptable. That is insulting. My heart is broken I can't believe we won't be together on the 4th of July, that is all I have dreamed about. This is the last disappointment I can't do this anymore. I don't want to walk away from this, I truly don't and I feel so much inside it hurts to give up but I can't continue to wait around for someone who won't give me the time of day. He didn't save one day of his leave time for me and here we go back to nothing again. I am hurt and this isn't fair and he is everything I ever wanted and now I think that maybe he's not everything I have built him up to be. I thought he would say what if we met this afternoon and go from there.. After I told him yesterday that I didn't have my boys on the 4th.. Don't I deserve that-yes. But he's going to ignore me the whole time and then ask me how my holiday was next week when it's all over. What do I say. I could just break down and cry all day- he won't make time for me and that hurts. And even if we went out and had the greatest time and fell madly for each other the first minute when would I ever see him? Im feeling ignored every minute that passes and how would I know if they have pt in the morning, if he works all day or has army stuff to do and then has 2 hours to relax at night. I have no idea what he does except that I feel deliberately ignored and I just can't take that from someone that I have feelings for. I don't know what else to do except give up on me and Steve being together. I need more than just 2 sentences a week. I can't do this anymore.

THIS SITE IS ABOUT MY JOURNEY

Sometimes I believe that I have the lowest self esteem and no confidence in myself. I am 36 now and I feel like a child on the inside. In need of love and acceptance and emotional shelter, I want to share my life with someone. I want my love story. I want something that is precious and all mine. It's not necessarily low self esteem. My problem is I was always a pleaser especially with my dad for fear of being abandoned. That fear drives my personality and I understand that completely. I don't fare well all by myself. I miss having someone on my side no matter what. I feel like Im so wounded on the inside and I can't let myself get close enough to anyone to undo this. I love people heart and soul like a little child does full of trust and seeing only the good and it has not always worked out. I make people my heros and I fluff them up and hope that they will give me what I need. No one ever has yet. I mean the things that I say and I genuinely do love people but I need to save me and love me first. I have spent my entire life in a circle chasing after a mans love and adoration for me to feel good about myself.. First with my dad who left us and was I felt always embarassed of me because he was vain and I was a plain looking child, plump and not petite and perfect. I did everything I could think of to please him to win his love and devotion and I always felt rejected. I had a horrible self image of myself as fat and unlovable because I was identical to my mom and that Is what I heard from them non stop.

My weight was a problem to my dad so I felt and I didn't feel like I deserved to be loved unless I was bone thin and perfect. I still have that sad belief im afraid. I have work to do and I can use my strength to heal myself. I don't feel worthy of love when I look in the mirror and see a plump face and unperfect body. Im afraid he will look at my stretch marks from my babies and think Im already used.... Me loving someone heart and soul and them not reciprocating is normal for me. That is what I seem to be comfortable with and that has to stop. My first love ( my father) rejected me on every level. He was ashamed of me or so I felt my whole life when I needed his approval and love he gave it to a witch. When I was a woman and didn't care anymore he then started being a loyal proud father. This is my perception of it he may have never felt that way but it's how I took his attitude. I remember all the hurtful gestures and comments and I was a young woman in need of security and a safe place to grow up. No one offered me that except for my grampa george and grama lillie and aunt Jan. With them I felt total acceptance I felt perfect and flourished but to this day I reduce back down to a little girl with no confidence or appeal when I get around my dad. I feel like no one knows me, no one cares enough to look beyond my physical shape.

I felt loved with Billy, with Chris Heller, with Mike and with Rob. I felt adored and cherished with them and I am so grateful to have known how it feels to be really truly admired. I felt confident and special and like I could do anything and do it right with them. What I want most is to feel that way with Steve. For him to accept me just the way I am and see inside and love me for me. That's what I need in my life to grow and surpass hurtful times. I need the love of someone good and kind and right. I need that to be complete. You're not supposed to say you feel incomplete without a man, but at the basic level I sincerely do. They gave me what my dad didn't or couldn't and so I felt whole when in love with someone who adored me. I need that from Steve and I just don't know if I am important to him. I don't feel hopeless or damaged or less when I understand how this all works. I am very emotional and I think with my heart first and I don't want to change. I want to be me on purpose and I want to be loved. I want to love him and make his dreams come true. I want what I have never had and that is a safe place to fall and arms catch me and love me no matter what.

This shows me that the defect was not in me. It was in an unsupportive environment and selfish parents. I love my dad and alanna but I don't like them. I dont mean that to be ugly or negative- we just have different values and don't mesh very well.

I love Steve on a sweet honest level, not physical or emotional, I love what he brings to my life possibility of a happy future. He is a good person and I would be so proud to be his. my affection is honest and real and that is a level of love. Not passion or compatiblity but an honest affection and gratitude. I can say that because it's real to me. And it could become all of those things and that tells me that he is worth trying. I love him on a friendship level now not Im going to die without you...

My purpose for this discovery is that I need to become a confident woman now. It's time to drop the school girl disease to please persona and live a healthy and productive life. I shrivel when I get around strong willed people, I hate to quarrel, I am modest, shy, get tired and yawn when confronted as in an escape mechanism, I defer to authority too easy, I am just now learning to be assertive and defend myself when Im attacked and I am alot because people know that is my weakness and prey on it.. yes they certainly do. But it is getting better and I am getting better and I know that I am on the right road. Could I be confident enough to strip in front of my husband or take a bath together? No I would shy away and not do it if I could get out of it. That is honest, that is the old me and I want her OUT. I want to live and experience every wonderful thing and it is me and my lack of confidence, my lack of believing that I am ENOUGH RIGHT NOW that would appeal to me to run if I could...

I don't want to be that girl anymore. She will always live in me and that's beautiful, there is a whole adult grown up world that I haven't participated in yet and I want to live the best and fullest life I possibly can. That is why I am drawing out the goddess in myself. She is here, she is hidden and covered up by fear. Fear is what is holding me back - afraid of my own potential and my purpose is to uncover and kill the fear so that the goddess can finally fully come to life.

I dreamed we were together

I woke up so happy this morning. I dreamed that I moved over to hug my pillow and Steve was lying beside me on his side just watching me. He was there and I layed my head on his chest and closed my eyes and just listened to his heart beat. My head was laying down between the pillows and he kissed me so perfect I was on fire slow and full and mushy and I was in heaven. and then we were together and it felt so good and I was going crazy under him and he was so strong and confident and just right. I woke up feeling so alive and I was happy that my dream was so real but then I was sad because I don't even know him yet. I went from a total high to a total low when I realized it was a dream and now it's July and we still haven't met each other yet.

I feel so sad right now I could break down and bawl. It's Friday night and nothing. I will cry like a baby if I watch those Fireworks on the 4th of July without him. This is summer and it's almost over now and I have been waiting so long and Im so scared that I already love him because I know who Im talking to and he's sweet and very appealing to me and what if he doesn't want me. What if Im the only one in love. I won't get over this, Im scared and I just want to know that Im safe and he cares for me and he wants me more than anything - then I would be ok with waiting like this because it's torture. What if at the end of all of this waiting I am rejected. That devistation would just rip me apart. And I am beautiful I am everything but I am fat and my body is big and not sexy right now. I am trying so hard to lose weight and do Atkins and it doesn't work that well for me. It doesn't register because I guess I go over.. So tonight in my sad little fit I comforted myself with food. And now that it's over Im like what did I do that for? Please please spend the 4th of July with me. How could you not. That is the most romantic night of the year and how can he do anything without me? I will be so destroyed if he doesn't ask me what Im doing and want to be with me this weekend. I don't want to give up because I care I have honest attraction to him and I don't want to let go, I just can't be this miserable. It's more than friendship for me and I feel like we have made a start and I want to move forward. I don't understand how all this time has passed and he hasn't made time for me. That just hurts and Im back to wondering what are you doing? Do you like being so miserable? Why are you doing this to yourself. Because of love and being with the only one I want. I don't know how I could hang on after this weekend if he doesn't save time for me. I will be embarassed like I settle for someone who won't give me a crumb of his time. I want something real and I want him so bad. Please make this happen.